“How beautiful it is to love yourself without inhibitions. To recognize the season you’re in, adjusting your sails- thriving in and out of season. Trusting that God has placed in you a beautiful tapestry of his Grace, interwoven with the lessons life keeps teaching you. Taking it all in stride, inhaling, exhaling…still here, and still breathing. Understanding your worth, not needing anyone’s approval to step into the light accorded to you. How humbling it is to think that the Creator of the Universe believes in your ability to influence your space. You are not insignificant. You are chosen. Get up. Take your place. Shine your light. Water your petals. Have faith enough to know that one day it will all make sense. You will blossom in every way that you ought to, and in every space that you desire to.” – Kambua
When I read that, I felt something like liberation rise in me. I felt loved, I felt free. I don’t know why a simple post can sometimes awaken the fire that for a long time burned like still embers of the dying fire. It got me thinking about the things I have feared for yet they are very insignificant. The things that don’t matter at all. God made me, he knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb, so why do I keep on making myself inadequate? Why do I limit myself?
I guess it happens to men too but its more profound in ladies. The insecurities we have with our bodies. There are so many things that we have wished we could change. Yes we should worry about the bad fats, the peeling skin or the brittle hair. But you cannot change how God wanted you to be. Urefu na Ufupi, ni maumbile lakini utambi na mimba ni jitahada zako mwenyewe.
“I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are your works, And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14
This may come as a surprise to those close to me and a bit controversial to those we have known each other casually. I have two extremes. I get attached very easily and at the same time I am very unavailable. This is funny, even to me and always confusing .
Firstly, on getting attached easily, it a weakness. Mostly comes with people who at a moment of vulnerability, take charge and take care of me. That I can’t help. I am a madam “do it myself” guru. However, we all need someone; or some people. In some instances, we have had to ask for help and its okay. I have begged for help and I know its okay because I needed it. But there are days when help has come when I least expected it . It has come from the people I least I expected of . Those days, I have just sat back and let someone else take the lead. Those are the people I have lived to automatically qualify them in my “treasured” friends. They have reminded me of the human me. Those people have made have a moment to let people take care of me. They have been so scarce in my life but I am grateful that God has sent the selected few my way. As for the emotional unavailability, I think it’s because I attach deep with no reservations. That’s why I try to avoid the attachment. I think I am not unavailable but I strive not to be unavailable. Nothing prepares you for the pain of a betrayed loyalty and connection. Be it from family, friends or who you think is the love of your life. I may not wholly control the circumstances but I try to .
It is a beautiful thing
Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
I don’t know why I have written close to 20 pieces in the recent past but I felt none good enough for publishing. However, I think I finally felt this one,,,,
In a month, I will be turning 27. It is a big deal. I acknowledge that I am soon getting to thirty, the most anticipated age for most ladies. At the same time, I have had one of the most amazing years of my life. 26 has been a year that I think I have had very personal challenges that have stretched my abilities, especially physically. In the past, it has been about other people wholly or partly but this one has been mine. I am so grateful because I have always prayed that I get these moments. They are not as easy as I thought. There are things that I may have been running away from by taking care of other people and facing them left me scared, sometimes scarred but there is no single moment I did not fall in love with
Amidst everything, I have learnt something important about setting your own timelines. When to buy something new, get a new hood, go on holiday take up a new job, get married or have kids, let it be at your own time. I know there are scenarios that may not happen according to plan, however, plan them. If they work out, it’s okay, if they don’t, it is okay too.
Work is one thing that causes many people want to change everything for. Let’s face it, I would want to drop everything for a $10,000 job . I need the money. But, does the money compliment the long term plans I have. It is funny that nowadays, I pick opportunities not just for money. Even a one day job. I want something that I will be happy about. I have at times done jobs that have been so painful to execute because I struggled. They never added anything apart from the money. I would then end up spending the money on useless things just to feel good. That is one thing that I have picked up big time.. I am not saying money is bad. No. It is a good thing and we should wish, dream and work to have a lot of money, become rich and finally wealthy .That is actually basically why we look for jobs. But if your friend or former school mate has a six-figure salary job, do not be desperate to get a similar one. You might never be happy and even quit. That is a wasted effort and time you cannot afford. Back in 2011 when I was in college, I was convinced to vie for a sports rep position. I was a lady known to love all sports so everyone assumed that I would do well. Yes I did vie, but of the few times in my entire life, I was so glad I lost. I actually voted for the gentleman who won and he did an excellent job. We worked together for a year and I appreciated why I was glad I did not win. I know my abilities, I know I can push the limits so much, however, with time, I know the fights worth fighting. I have started to discover when to pause, when to sit and watch and when to kick that door and invite myself in.
Another aspect that has been a big part of my interactions is about love. I am no love doctor but in my not so little world, there are things about love that I think should not be bent. Never ever. See, I have grown up in church, lucky to have been an extrovert and exposed to the world at quite a tender age. So I think I have a basic feel of the Christian, Muslim and secular world. My dad never went to church though his dad was a church elder. He would be sleeping as we left for church every Sunday he was around. He only woke up to give us offering. I was too young to get anything but I always admired the dads who brought their children to church and especially Sunday school. I was a Sunday school “prefect” so I would be by the door to see them hand the kids to the teacher. The little girl in me knew that as I grew up, I wanted the father of my children to take them to know God. Decades later, it is still my prayer. A man who loves God first. A man who seeks God. Definitely, you can’t say am looking for my dad in a man with this one.
Still on love, I don’t know why people think that by a certain age, one has to be dating, settling down or having children. See, I know there are women who are okay with not getting married, and it is okay. Some get married and do not want children, and that is okay too. We can’t live on standards set by the society. That it’s date get married and have kids’ kind of set up. What if you meet a man, have sex on the first day, get pregnant, then agree to date thereafter and end up not getting married? What if you date, have children then get married? Everyone has their own timelines, I have mine. I remembered when I turned 26 and told someone that I was single and not ready to date. The look on his face was as if I was an outcast. I DO NOT let the society tell me when I should date, when I should have children or when I should get married. I have my wishes, and every day, I take them to the Lord and let his will be done. Love is a beautiful thing, I know. Whether you date a man twice your age, a younger one, a dark or brown, one with a potbelly or one who has muscles even on the fingers, whether you love someone of your religion or another or an atheist, whether it an individual of the same sex or not, love is so pure that it knows no differences. Whoever I choose to love is personal, when I choose to love is my wish and God’s will. I have learnt that a partner does not make you complete. I have lots that I should work on within me to attract the person who loves what I am. I do not change to make me likeable, no. Not even to my family or friends. If someone genuinely cares and loves you, they will love you for who you are. They will not change you. And I know that someone loves me genuinely, I will not do stuff to hurt them even if they were my favorites. That is why, we have heard tales of mothers lying they are full just to see their kinds have enough. Why? True love. You will give up basic things that you really need to see someone else happy. Pregnant women give up alcohol . Why? True love . I have learnt that love is about sacrifice that I will not struggle with. At my own time, I will know how dating, marriage and kids steps worked out for me.
My last timeline is about work. Especially if employed. There are times I used to work up to 14 hours a day six days a week. I did it because I thought, that is how careers are built. Until i did a one month challenge to attend business forums and concerts. Career growth does not happen behind a computer and papers. Networking does not happen by sending emails and chatting on Whatsapp. Almost all the people who have come through for me are those that I met on football pitches, concerts or on social media. You might need to put in a lot if it’s your own business because you have the global perspectives of the inputs versus the return on investment. But if you know and understand that you cannot do it alone, get out there, drop the grey and navy blue suits. Put on a sundress and hat, or those boots and jeans. Go have a good a time. I have had so many lone adventures and dates that in the process I have learned a lot and met amazing people. It is no different as I get older. With my own timelines, I go out because the world is beautiful people filled with some amazing people and best opportunities !
Am on phone. Dimmed light and disabled anything that could produce a sound. Am supposed to be asleep but my mind has other ideas. I am reading random posts on Undefeated.com. They are very deep pieces. Those about rags to riches defeat to triumph or befitting nostalgic flashbacks are my favorite. Am moved and once in a while, I sigh and a tear here and there. All along, I am so engrossed in that world that I cannot feel my limbs. . I stir a bit to get into a more comfortable snuggle position albeit subconsciously. It feels so good. He purrs and continues to peacefully enjoy the deep sleep. The even light breaths hit the top of my head and can’t help but smile. I finish the article then turn to Twitter. It is like a ritual. See, there is nothing validating about this life. The money is good , mostly. However every time when the other one is happy and contented, my thoughts run deep to my sibling’s fee arrears that I have only managed half. That is not really the hard part. It’s the dreams I let down the drain that haunt me. That executive office that I always wanted. The perfect family that I envisioned and above all , the dignity that I worked so hard to maintain until unlike what a woman should be, I broke. I was too stiff to bend. Back to twitter, there is nothing much. It’s a Saturday night or Sunday morning depending on what you want. I can clearly tell that it’s a beautiful sky from the shears and suddenly I have this overwhelming feeling to go and watch the sky. When growing up, we were always told that the sky is the limit. Sometimes I think this is relative to my happiness. The only time I am genuinely happy is when watching the clear sky, the moon or the stars. It is not what I wanted.
I manage to escape the snuggle and tiptoe to the bedroom balcony. And suddenly I have this deja vu.
See, this is a stranger’s bed. I love stranger’s beds. They have no ties. You don’t get into the sheets and suddenly you remember that smell. No. You get into a stranger’s bed and all it gives you is the warm and comfort. If you are lucky enough to get silk sheets, you will feel the heavenly caress on your skin and in that moment, you will live that moment fully.
Back to the balcony, I stare at the beautiful crescent moon. It’s so beautiful. I get lost in it. The almost empty bottle of wine is still on the table and the throws that served as seats earlier on carelessly thrown on the rails. I bring the bottle to my lips and for the first time that night, I feel something. The wine slightly burns and kind of churns my stomach. I sigh heavily and outcome hot tears. I can’t stop. I know not if it’s relief or pain but I gulp more to empty the bottle. I hardly notice that I have been out for more than an hour until I feel a tug. My feet are too heavy to move. Just like the previous one and the next one, I cling onto the only hope I can cling unto. I feel safe. I feel needy. I know the script too well.
6:30am on Sunday morning. I am starving and lucky enough lady luck brought a bonus culinary skills. I try to inhale the sheets deeper; I desperately need something to remember this one for. Nothing. I dab my clothes in the new cologne, nothing.
I take photos but delete all because they all seem so wrong
At noon, am back to my bed. It’s all very familiar. The signature smell of the house, the bed sheets, even the washroom. And just like that, I probably will be venturing to another new bed, my office .
A little human part of me dies again. And another empty one is created. Ready to bid the next goodbye without a trace of the smell.
You may never know how hard it has been for me to write to you. Maybe when you become old like me now, you will understand. Maybe you will not. That is okay. Maybe you will understand my fears when you become a mom or maybe you will get it way young when you mature at tender age or make a bad decision. There is a chance that you will be someone who will live to laugh at my fears. I do not know. Right now, I don’t know. I just want you to know that I am scared for you. I am really. I am a woman but I am really scared to have, raise you and see you turn out into a blessed and successful young woman.
You see, when you are born as a woman, it is like a mission you have been sent on; to accomplish a herculean task. You will be a woman, the vessel that ensures continuity in the generations to come. It is not that easy my girl. At day one, your dad will look at you and tear up because after his mom, finally, he got another true love. It works that way in most cases. A stereotype that somehow many confess to. He will look at you and see the “thing” he needs to protect always. He will in turn, but never says it loud, expect you be the daughter he wants. Maybe your dad grew up screwing anything with boobs but you know what, he will not even imagine that there will be another man who will do the same to you. He will imagine walking you down the aisle a virgin. As your mom, I will not be any different. I will not want any man take advantage of you before “the one”. I will pray and fast for you, to make mama proud. But you know what, we will not know but you will.
When you start school, your parents and the society will expect you to excel. Good grades, nothing less. When this happens, we will always want to argue if you took after mom or dad. Here, even your grandparents will claim that you took after them. Funny huh? You will get all the advantages that come with “good brains”. But if this won’t happen, we will dig so much to know what talent you have. We will explore the options and ensure that still, our lil girl shines. We will cheer you on. Even if you act in a soap opera, I will ensure that I forgo a world cup final match to watch you. That is what mothers are for. If you fail at both, maybe your dad and I will constantly fight over who you took after. I don’t know what will happen here, but just know mothers will stick no matter what. I will be there, always.
When you become an adolescent and all the curves are showing, I will start a lot of the “uncomfortable” talk. We will talk about puberty and sex. The curfew will still be very strict. I will watch you very closely like mother hen (That is what my mama calls herself). I will pray that you go through it unscathed. It will always be scary to watch you have a boyfriend. However one thing I assure you is that I will be there to teach, correct and punish you but I will not make decisions for you. You will make choices. My daughter always remember that choices have consequences.
Then will come college like, the semi-independent life. You will be away, mostly on your own. You will meet men and women, boys and girls. Here, you will see the rich and the poor, the bookworms and the don’t care. Here you will learn what it means to be an adult. I don’t know what you will choose. However for me, Church was a savior. There are things I did not do just because I was in church. It was not okay that I did not do them because of what was being taught at church but again, if being in the Christian union helped me evade a lot of bad things, it is a choice. Some students partied Monday to Monday and turned our more successful, some even got jobs while in school. Some went to Church with me and ended up so bad that the church had to take the shame. Whatever you choose, even away from church and partying, make is something that will always make you a better choice
Then will come the love life. If you stick with your high school sweet heart, good for you. If you meet a good man in college, it is okay. If it’s at work, or later in life, still it is love. But I cannot guarantee that you will not be heart broken. If it happens, allow yourself to grieve over it but don’t allow it to take you down the drain. Some people are meant to only come into your life to teach you a lesson. Dust up and rise always. I know this may sound weird but there are moments you will take the initiative to go for love. Some doors cannot be knocked gently, kick it, walk in and introduce yourself. No harm.
Then one day, you might sit somewhere like me now. You will be so scared. You will question as to whether you will be a good mom to your daughter. Whether your daughter will turn out good. Whether your husband will always appreciate of the great mother you are. Or maybe, if you will be okay being a single mom after a douchebag leaves you after getting pregnant or maybe, you will make a choice to be one. You will see a rape story and you will be scared. You will look at your past and maybe cringe. You will walk out of you marriage with your girl. Either way, you will question if you are being a good role model to your girl.
Maybe you will reread this while on vacation. You will raise your head to watch your precious girl play maybe with shore sand. You will stare at the little happy soul and forget everyone else. You will be happy of how she is turning out to be. You will sigh, turn off your gadget and join her. You will be at peace because deep down, it doesn’t matter what the society says but what you and her share. You will be a great daughter with a great daughter.
I’m sick and tired of hearing all about my life From other bitches with all of your lies Wrapped up so tight, so maybe you should shut your mouth, shut your mouth Shut your fucking mouth
-Kesha Rose Sebert
One sunny morning, I cannot really remember if it was sunny but I want to assume it was sunny. I am certain though it is the day I met you and knew that you were special. I knew we had unsaid connection that would grow into a bond that would last forever. Though we had bumped into each other over few years, that day was different. You easily opened up about you. I had never had such intense conversation with you and that definitely got me hooked. You are not only a good listener but also very candid with your pieces of advise. I liked that.
I hold back a lot and would take ages for me to open up but things were different with you. It took a very short period of time for me to trust with you with a lot. It was vice versa so there was no cause of alarm. Everyday I promised myself that I would speak less of me but you gave me every reason to want to tell you more just as you did. I fell in love with what we had, I believed you more and more. I became comfortable and careless with what I thought only belonged to the selected few. I thought that was the best thing that had happened to me in the recent past. I made my biggest mistake yet, I trusted you .
One day, I stay up late at the office . I am going through whatsapp and your friend who has only a “hi “ kind of relationship with me asks me a very private question. I am taken aback. I know only three people know about it. Me, you and God. I stop, my world stops, it spins. I sit down and for almost an hour, I am repeatedly saying “OMG”. The security guard is concerned and when he cant take in anymore, he asks what the matter is. I come back to reality and realize that I am actually crying. I feel the pain in my chest. I am suddenly craving sugar and I feel like talking to no one. The two years I have known you seem eternity and right now am not sure I know you any more. On my way home, I reread the message over and over again. I am tempted to call you but something, that I appreciate now stops me.
Two days later, I have been able to recollect myself and get more details of the much you have shared. I simply cannot get myself to even look at you. I hear your voice and suddenly I am suffocating. You are in my space so I cannot avoid you. You make me pain in a way I thought I could not over betrayed loyalty. You killed part of me. The trust being. I reminiscence all that we have shared and just how much the your secretes meant to me. How I always avoided talking about you with my friends lest I end up saying something I should not. I loved you like a big sister I don’t have. I trusted you like I trust my optician and gynae ( They are like my foster parents 😉 😉). But here, I was so broken that at times, the bile in mouth was so real. I was so hurt that to date, I cannot bring myself to ask you why you did it. And that is almost a year later.Maybe you had your reasons. But looking back, I should have seen the signs. All the tale-a-tell signs were there. When you said somethings about some of your friends that I thought were too deep to share. I should have known. I ought to have known that it is who you are. With a straight face and deep gaze as you told on your friends, you would tell on me.
I have had some of my very important friendships betrayed and I think yours is among those top of my list. Maybe I thought age comes with a bit of sworn allegiance, but I was very wrong. I thought it comes with defending sisterhood. I thought friendships at some age means defending what you share and keeping promises. I thought friendship comes with responsibility.
One day, when I can no longer feel the pain when I see you. When I stop seeing malice written all over your face, when I stop hating the biggest betrayer in you. That day when I stop smelling sinister motive like your body spray, when I see more to the fake smile, when I read in between the lines and lines of lies you share. That day when I finally know that you know what responsibility friendship carries, I will then tell you how much you meant to me love. I will tell you what pain you caused what I thought was sisterhood. I will tell you to tell your kids that it is best to respect friendships.
Until then, I see you, I feel pain. I see you and feel disgusted. I see you and wish you would have sieved what to share. I regret knowing you because the cost that came with our friendship was and is still too much to bear.
1st John 2:9– They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.
Am so grateful to 2016. In the most recent years,its one year that God has answered almost all of my prayers. There have been grumpy days, sad ones and honestly the “I quit” days but God has been so faithful. I have seen him come through for me in so many ways that I cannot even find the right words to use as description.
There are so many lessons I have learned this year. One of them being about relationships especially with my girlfriends. I have lost more friends this year than I have done in the previous years. I thought I would be so mad and broken for cutting them off. But surprisingly, I am so happy not that they left, but that they served their season in my life and taught me so much. I have grown to try and not be attached to human beings who are no longer part of my life in the recent past. It is really paying off. Initially, I would be so hurt by losing contact with someone but right now, I savor every moment we spend together because we are not guaranteed to be friends the next morning. Whether you met your friend in church or club, in the gym or hospital, In a Matatu or at plane, in a mall or market, just know that we are all human being beings. Our seasons in each other’s lives is not forever (death is also very cruel). Each day God blesses you with an opportunity to share it with someone, do not hold back. Give them your all for you will be living your life to the fullest
Fresh from campus, probably a size 8 or 10. The curves in the appropriate places. Your parent/s or guardians have sacrifices a little to get you the correct attire for this opportunity and that your mother has had the longest fast for since she turned 40. You are excited too. You can already picture a studio apartment in the next few months, complete with all the basic fine things. Probably in a year or two, a mini cooper will come along. You just bid goodbye to your campus flame. The Tall, Dark and Handsome lad who got a master’s scholarship to the UK and you don’t do long distance. You are still you, 23 and sure that very soon, you will get a classy 28+ working middle class guy to spoil you, not just with a trip to the cafeteria but at least an Easter weekend in the bush or white beaches. It is your first day at work. It is not a big company thus the induction begins with meet and greets. Everyone looks so happy to see you, especially Charlo wa finance (😝 borrowed from a tweep). The only unwelcoming person is the new receptionist with a skirt shorter than her nails length and designer handbag that automatically lands on your to-buy-list.
No harm to get treats as a new employee. Kevo brings you tea; Charlo drops a KFC pack on your desk at lunchtime. Brian, the pot-bellied boss gives you a lift to bus terminus in his fuel guzzler. You are so happy that you cannot wait to chat with your gal on how your “colleagues are so good”. On the 2nd day, an elderly lady will call you aside and give you THE TALK. She will warn you of the hit and run genes all the men colleagues carry. You know it; it’s now a new gospel. So you will sit there, almost wishing to pull out a pen and paper just to show her how serious you are taking in the piece of advice.
Two months later, and you realize that you are struggling to pay your bedsitter rent, let alone rely on 2nd hand designs. A piece or two that came after a lot of bargaining. You can’t even send your folks cash. You are not a faithful tither yet even the thanksgiving offering is so hard to come by. Charlo wa finance balanced his books and your lunch could not fit in any more. Mr Big Boss has been a little consistent with a lunch here and there. You have also gotten a new crush. Denno wa marketing. He has this polished accent, oozes everything in your male ego list and knows that not all blue hues can blend. You like him. He is likable and you really wish he could notice your new weave and now a much tighter skirt is.
It isn’t long before Denno hits the coffee houses with you in tow. His Nissan Dualis, still very new is a topping on the already cooked meal as you no longer have to jav. You like him and even remember to thank God for him. He is slow and careful, and you like it. MR. BIG BOSS is not pushing either. He knows what Denno is up to. He is an old dog with loads of experience. He knows when to bite, so he takes his time. The first bait? What about a work trip out of town? It’s the four of you so no cause for alarm. He openly talks, about how hard you work, which of course is true. You remember to mention to him how grateful you are for the trip because you needed the extra coin. He plays a concerned father and you open up about your struggles. He buys all meals during the trip and even pays accommodation. He does not ask for anything. He does not give cash. Again, down on your knees, you thank the lucky stars. You can’t wait to be back and run into Dennos’ arms. During the trip you can’t stop telling yourself that you are ready to take the relationship to the next level.
Fast forward, five months later, a few bras and panties have a new home, at Dennos. Mr. Big Boss has promised you bigger and better if you spared a few hours for him during the weekend. See, you will always have that one gal in your clique who will tell you why not? She is not your favourite but this time, you have nothing to lose. You start plotting. You learn to buy a few packs of condoms and pop family panning pills like nuts. You can finally afford to save, go for coffees on your own. Your folks are getting monthly stipends and your mom cannot stop praying for the company for paying her daughter so well. You can afford a designer handbag and human hair. Finally, you are almost living the dream you wanted.
One morning, you wake up and there is a hot Caucasian intern. You are forgotten. Worse still, she is in the marketing department and Denno is inducting her. He tells you not to worry until one day you see the texts. Mr. Big Boss gets the Caucasian on his trip. You remember the hot receptionist eyes on your first day at work and you can almost swear that it is the look you have on. You imagine your journey and can’t help crying. To prove that you are not hurt, you go out with Martin from sales, Richard from HR, Fred from the office in Nakuru and even a one night stand with Bill, the IT guy. It is only one and half years and you are “SCRAP”. Used by so many men that you can hardly wait to get another job. The men warn the new men against you. They even discuss you with the females and send them to “talk” to you. Your dignity is gone. Mr. Big Boss blatantly declines your promotion because your values could hurt the brand. You can no longer land the candy eyes because hey, even rubber failed on herpes. You have a few good things and countable trips to 3 star hotels to your name, draped in a very ugly reputation. You may stay to take all the humiliation but if the heavens are merciful, you will get a new chance at a new work station to redeem yourself. If the gods conspire against you, one day there will be memo about redundancy that you will see circulating. You will not understand. Then will come an email to meet the Human Resources Manager. He/she will be short and clear. Your services will no longer be needed. You will start the hustle afresh, broke, broken and either with a lesson learned or no esteem left that you will just pick up from where you left .