My Dearest Daughter

Dear Daughter,

You may never know how hard it has been for me to write to you. Maybe when you become old like me now, you will understand. Maybe you will not. That is okay. Maybe you will understand my fears when you become a mom or maybe you will get it way young when you mature at tender age or make a bad decision. There is a chance that you will be someone who will live to laugh at my fears. I do not know. Right now, I don’t know. I just want you to know that I am scared for you. I am really. I am a woman but I am really scared to have, raise you and see you turn out into a blessed and successful young woman.

You see, when you are born as a woman, it is like a mission you have been sent on; to accomplish a herculean task. You will be a woman, the vessel that ensures continuity in the generations to come. It is not that easy my girl. At day one, your dad will look at you and tear up because after his mom, finally, he got another true love. It works that way in most cases. A stereotype that somehow many confess to. He will look at you and see the “thing” he needs to protect always. He will in turn, but never says it loud, expect you be the daughter he wants. Maybe your dad grew up screwing anything with boobs but you know what, he will not even imagine that there will be another man who will do the same to you. He will imagine walking you down the aisle a virgin. As your mom, I will not be any different. I will not want any man take advantage of you before “the one”. I will pray and fast for you, to make mama proud. But you know what, we will not know but you will.

When you start school, your parents and the society will expect you to excel. Good grades, nothing less. When this happens, we will always want to argue if you took after mom or dad. Here, even your grandparents will claim that you took after them. Funny huh? You will get all the advantages that come with “good brains”. But if this won’t happen, we will dig so much to know what talent you have. We will explore the options and ensure that still, our lil girl shines. We will cheer you on. Even if you act in a soap opera, I will ensure that I forgo a world cup final match to watch you. That is what mothers are for.  If you fail at both, maybe your dad and I will constantly fight over who you took after. I don’t know what will happen here, but just know mothers will stick no matter what. I will be there, always.

When you become an adolescent and all the curves are showing, I will start a lot of the “uncomfortable” talk. We will talk about puberty and sex. The curfew will still be very strict. I will watch you very closely like mother hen (That is what my mama calls herself). I will pray that you go through it unscathed. It will always be scary to watch you have a boyfriend. However one thing I assure you is that I will be there to teach, correct and punish you but I will not make decisions for you. You will make choices. My daughter always remember that choices have consequences.

Then will come college like, the semi-independent life. You will be away, mostly on your own. You will meet men and women, boys and girls. Here, you will see the rich and the poor, the bookworms and the don’t care. Here you will learn what it means to be an adult. I don’t know what you will choose. However for me, Church was a savior. There are things I did not do just because I was in church. It was not okay that I did not do them because of what was being taught at church but again, if being in the Christian union helped me evade a lot of bad things, it is a choice. Some students partied Monday to Monday and turned our more successful, some even got jobs while in school. Some went to Church with me and ended up so bad that the church had to take the shame. Whatever you choose, even away from church and partying, make is something that will always make you a better choice

Then will come the love life. If you stick with your high school sweet heart, good for you. If you meet a good man in college, it is okay. If it’s at work, or later in life, still it is love. But I cannot guarantee that you will not be heart broken. If it happens, allow yourself to grieve over it but don’t allow it to take you down the drain. Some people are meant to only come into your life to teach you a lesson. Dust up and rise always. I know this may sound weird but there are moments you will take the initiative to go for love. Some doors cannot be knocked gently, kick it, walk in and introduce yourself. No harm.

Then one day, you might sit somewhere like me now. You will be so scared. You will question as to whether you will be a good mom to your daughter. Whether your daughter will turn out good. Whether your husband will always appreciate of the great mother you are. Or maybe, if you will be okay being a single mom after a douchebag leaves you after getting pregnant or maybe, you will make a choice to be one. You will see a rape story and you will be scared. You will look at your past and maybe cringe. You will walk out of you marriage with your girl. Either way, you will question if you are being a good role model to your girl.

Maybe you will reread this while on vacation. You will raise your head to watch your precious girl play maybe with shore sand. You will stare at the little happy soul and forget everyone else. You will be happy of how she is turning out to be. You will sigh, turn off your gadget and join her. You will be at peace because deep down, it doesn’t matter what the society says but what you and her share. You will be a great daughter with a great daughter.

Dedication you you : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxPnAOMpbqA

Lots of Love,

Mummy

Madam Stoolie

I’m sick and tired of hearing all about my life
From other bitches with all of your lies
Wrapped up so tight, so maybe you should shut your mouth, shut your mouth
Shut your fucking mouth

-Kesha Rose Sebert

One sunny morning, I cannot really  remember if it was sunny but I want to assume it was sunny. I am certain though it is the day I met you and knew that you were special. I knew we had unsaid connection that would grow into a bond that would last forever. Though we had bumped into each other over few years, that day was different. You easily opened up about you. I had never had such intense conversation with you and that definitely got me hooked. You are not only a good listener but also very candid with your pieces of advise. I liked that.

I hold back a lot and would take ages for me to open up but things were different with you. It took a very short period of time for me to trust with you with a lot. It was vice versa so there was no cause of alarm. Everyday I promised myself that I would speak less of me but you gave me every reason to want to tell you more just as you did. I fell in love with what we had,  I believed you more and more. I became comfortable and careless with what I thought only belonged to the selected few. I thought that was the best thing that had happened to me in the recent past. I made my biggest mistake yet, I trusted you .

One day, I stay up late at the office . I am going through whatsapp and your friend who has only a “hi “ kind of relationship with me asks me a very private question. I am taken aback. I know only three people know about it. Me, you and God. I stop, my world stops, it spins. I sit down and for almost an hour, I am repeatedly saying “OMG”. The security guard is concerned and when he cant take in anymore, he asks what the matter is. I come back to reality and realize that I am actually crying. I feel the pain in my chest. I am suddenly craving sugar and I feel like talking to no one. The two years I have known you seem eternity and right now am not sure I know you any more. On my way home, I reread the message over and over again. I am tempted to call you but something, that I appreciate now stops me.

Two days later, I have been able to recollect myself and get more details of the much you have shared. I simply cannot get myself to even look at you. I hear your voice and suddenly I am suffocating. You are in my space so I cannot avoid you. You make me pain in a way I thought I could not over betrayed loyalty. You killed part of me. The trust being.  I reminiscence all that we have shared and just how much the your secretes meant to me. How I always avoided talking about you with my friends lest I end up saying something I should not. I loved you like a big sister I don’t have. I trusted you like I trust my optician and gynae ( They are like my foster parents 😉 😉). But here, I was so broken that at times, the bile in mouth was so real. I was so hurt that to date, I cannot bring myself to ask you why you did it. And that is almost a year later.Maybe you had your reasons. But looking back, I should have seen the signs. All the tale-a-tell signs were there. When you said somethings about some of your friends that I thought were too deep to share. I should have known. I ought to have known that it is who you are. With a straight face and deep gaze as you told on your friends, you would tell on me.

I have had some of my very important friendships betrayed and I think yours is among those top of my list. Maybe I thought age comes with a bit of sworn allegiance, but I was very wrong. I thought it comes with defending sisterhood. I thought friendships at some age means defending what you share and keeping promises. I thought friendship comes with responsibility.

One day, when I can no longer feel the pain when I see you. When I stop seeing malice written all over your face, when I stop hating the biggest betrayer in you. That day when I stop smelling sinister motive like your body spray, when I see more to the fake smile, when I read in between the lines and lines of lies you share. That day when I finally know that you know what responsibility friendship carries, I will then tell you how much you meant to me love. I will tell you what pain you caused what I thought was sisterhood. I will tell you to tell your kids that it is best to respect friendships.

Until then, I see you, I feel pain. I see you and feel disgusted. I see you and wish you would have sieved what to share. I regret knowing you because the cost that came with our friendship was and is still too much to bear.

Regards,

Dee

Nothing Just Happens….2016 Review

1st John 2:9– They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.


Am so grateful to 2016. In the most recent years,its one year that God has answered almost all of my prayers. There have been grumpy days, sad ones and honestly the “I quit” days but God has been so faithful. I have seen him come through for me in so many ways that I cannot even find the right words to use as description.

There are so many lessons I have learned this year. One of them being about relationships especially with my girlfriends. I have lost more friends this year than I have done in the previous years. I thought I would be so mad and broken for cutting them off. But surprisingly, I am so happy not that they left, but that they served their season in my life and taught me so much. I have grown to try and not be attached to human beings who are no longer part of my life in the recent past. It is really paying off. Initially, I would be so hurt by losing contact with someone but right now, I savor every moment we spend together because we are not guaranteed to be friends the next morning. Whether you met your friend in church or club, in the gym or hospital, In a Matatu or at plane, in a mall or market, just know that we are all human being beings. Our seasons in each other’s lives is not forever (death is also very cruel). Each day God blesses you with an opportunity to share it with someone, do not hold back. Give them your all for you will be living your life to the fullest

Let It Go
by T.D. Jakes

 

Colleague Flings

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Image Courtesy.

Fresh from campus, probably a size 8 or 10. The curves in the appropriate places. Your parent/s or guardians have sacrifices a little to get you the correct attire for this opportunity and that your mother has had the longest fast for since she turned 40. You are excited too. You can already picture a studio apartment in the next few months, complete with all the basic fine things. Probably in a year or two, a mini cooper will come along. You just bid goodbye to your campus flame. The Tall, Dark and Handsome lad who got a master’s scholarship to the UK and you don’t do long distance. You are still you, 23 and sure that very soon, you will get a classy 28+ working middle class guy to spoil you, not just with a trip to the cafeteria but at least an Easter weekend in the bush or white beaches. It is your first day at work. It is not a big company thus the induction begins with meet and greets. Everyone looks so happy to see you, especially Charlo wa finance (😝 borrowed from a tweep). The only unwelcoming person is the new receptionist with a skirt shorter than her nails length and designer handbag that automatically lands on your to-buy-list.

No harm to get treats as a new employee. Kevo brings you tea; Charlo drops a KFC pack on your desk at lunchtime. Brian, the pot-bellied boss gives you a lift to bus terminus in his fuel guzzler. You are so happy that you cannot wait to chat with your gal on how your “colleagues are so good”. On the 2nd day, an elderly lady will call you aside and give you THE TALK. She will warn you of the hit and run genes all the men colleagues carry. You know it; it’s now a new gospel. So you will sit there, almost wishing to pull out a pen and paper just to show her how serious you are taking in the piece of advice.

Two months later, and you realize that you are struggling to pay your bedsitter rent, let alone rely on 2nd hand designs. A piece or two that came after a lot of bargaining. You can’t even send your folks cash. You are not a faithful tither yet even the thanksgiving offering is so hard to come by. Charlo wa finance balanced his books and your lunch could not fit in any more. Mr Big Boss has been a little consistent with a lunch here and there. You have also gotten a new crush. Denno wa marketing. He has this polished accent, oozes everything in your male ego list and knows that not all blue hues can blend. You like him. He is likable and you really wish he could notice your new weave and now a much tighter skirt is.

It isn’t long before Denno hits the coffee houses with you in tow. His Nissan Dualis, still very new is a topping on the already cooked meal as you no longer have to jav. You like him and even remember to thank God for him. He is slow and careful, and you like it. MR. BIG BOSS is not pushing either. He knows what Denno is up to. He is an old dog with loads of experience. He knows when to bite, so he takes his time. The first bait? What about a work trip out of town? It’s the four of you so no cause for alarm. He openly talks, about how hard you work, which of course is true. You remember to mention to him how grateful you are for the trip because you needed the extra coin. He plays a concerned father and you open up about your struggles. He buys all meals during the trip and even pays accommodation. He does not ask for anything. He does not give cash. Again, down on your knees, you thank the lucky stars. You can’t wait to be back and run into Dennos’ arms. During the trip you can’t stop telling yourself that you are ready to take the relationship to the next level.

Fast forward, five months later, a few bras and panties have a new home, at Dennos. Mr. Big Boss has promised you bigger and better if you spared a few hours for him during the weekend. See, you will always have that one gal in your clique who will tell you why not? She is not your favourite but this time, you have nothing to lose. You start plotting. You learn to buy a few packs of condoms and pop family panning pills like nuts. You can finally afford to save, go for coffees on your own. Your folks are getting monthly stipends and your mom cannot stop praying for the company for paying her daughter so well. You can afford a designer handbag and human hair. Finally, you are almost living the dream you wanted.

One morning, you wake up and there is a hot Caucasian intern. You are forgotten. Worse still, she is in the marketing department and Denno is inducting her. He tells you not to worry until one day you see the texts. Mr. Big Boss gets the Caucasian on his trip. You remember the hot receptionist eyes on your first day at work and you can almost swear that it is the look you have on. You imagine your journey and can’t help crying. To prove that you are not hurt, you go out with Martin from sales, Richard from HR, Fred from the office in Nakuru and even a one night stand with Bill, the IT guy. It is only one and half years and you are “SCRAP”. Used by so many men that you can hardly wait to get another job. The men warn the new men against you. They even discuss you with the females and send them to “talk” to you. Your dignity is gone. Mr. Big Boss blatantly declines your promotion because your values could hurt the brand. You can no longer land the candy eyes because hey, even rubber failed on herpes. You have a few good things and countable trips to 3 star hotels to your name, draped in a very ugly reputation. You may stay to take all the humiliation but if the heavens are merciful, you will get a new chance at a new work station to redeem yourself. If the gods conspire against you, one day there will be memo about redundancy that you will see circulating. You will not understand. Then will come an email to meet the Human Resources Manager. He/she will be short and clear. Your services will no longer be needed. You will start the hustle afresh, broke, broken and either with a lesson learned or no esteem left that you will just pick up from where you left .

I Was a Wreck

I don’t know what men expect when they meet a woman. I really don’t know but I think one thing they are afraid of is physically hurting the woman rather than cheating. Mine is a different case. I loved being abused physically. See, I know this sounds unreal but let me break it down for you.

I have dated three men before and I had never had a “real” connection with any of them until this fourth time. I discovered that accidentally. It was the first time we were making out. It was his place and as expected, he was bit clumsy. Many women love it gentle but I am in the realm where I define masculinity in a very weird way. So when he pinned me on the chair so hard, I did not feel uncomfortable, it was funny how excited I felt. Was short lived because I felt a sharp pain on my back. We stopped and on turning, I was bleeding thanks to a broken nail cutter. His first instinct was to get me all cleaned up and nursed but the blood turned me on in a way I have never experienced. I am a religious 90 day rule observer but this time, it only lasted 32 days. It was magical. I embraced how careful he seemed after the accident.

A week later, we had a fight because I did not want him to go out one night. He hit me, I know its bad but I always say I pushed him to the wall. He hit me and I think the shock on his face was the best thing I had ever seen. I had a broken lip. But he stayed and we made up and again, I realized I was connecting. The following day, he was a smart man to ask why I was not mad and why he thinks I enjoy being hurt. We talked and decided to explore if indeed I enjoyed being hurt. I bought chains, whips and needles. I had blades and knives on stand by. All was well. I enjoyed the near death chocks. I always wanted to be sad so that I could see him desperate and vulnerable to make me happy . The worst bit however is that with time, it got more intense that at times I would walk from our bed to cut myself so that he could make love to me. I turned him into a monster. A sad and desperate one who passed my initiation. He withdrew from the social life and spent most of his time nursing my wounds. I can’t tell who became another’s slave. I lost all my friends and almost never spoke to my family.

One day, I fell ill. I needed a proper hospital. We had to get a private doc because I was a wreck with fresh, healing and healed wounds. I needed help. Good news I got. We were expecting a baby. I was okay but he was so scared. For the first time in almost a year, he told me that he needed to broker a business deal late in the evening. At home, I felt nothing. Cooked diner and readied myself for a night of “celebration”.

He came home around 9pm, but not alone, with his friend and sister. I did not see it coming but I cared less anyway. There was enough food so we ate and drowned a few glasses of wine. In mind, I am trying to thing of the trashiest of things why he had company. I was happy that for the first time, he had taken the initiative of new things.

While tipsy, I started being at ease and he talked. He opened his heart and never hid what we had gone through. I was not shaken. I still thought that it was a way to make the others comfortable . I only started being alert when he said he could not hurt his child anymore and he wanted it safe so bad. He was leaving, at least until I healed.

I finally became human and begged him to stay . I wanted him because I wanted his torture. I wanted him to harm me more. I wanted him to feel that he owned my body and everything I could offer. The net thing I remember is waking up in hospital with no one but the doctor. Moments later my brother showed up. He did not ask why. He hugged me and said it will be okay. I did not know which hospital it was . All I wanted was the father of my baby to take me home. I stayed in hospital for a month and a half, with daily counseling . The only relative I saw was my brother and his sister. On discharge, I spent two more months in a rehab then his sister took me in until I delivered.

During my pregnancy, I don’t how if I actually embraced healing. My moment came when I saw my baby girl. I don’t know what happened but I realized that happiness is not pain. That caring is not an apology. I knew that I wanted my baby and all that she came with, including her dad. He took us home. He had gotten us a home. My family and his welcomed us. It was a new beginning .

I don’t know why I bottled up the abuse I had gone through in high school. I protected the rapist because I did not want to be ashamed. I consented to the succeeding episodes because I though the pain I suffered all through made the monster care. I thought all men should treat me that way. I wanted my husband to be one of them.

My girl is five and half, she has an eight month brother. They have been the best almost six years of my life. The scars are a contact reminder that I am a survivor.

I Cannot Be Your Lover

Friends are supposed to be just friends. Not friend with or friends for. No. Friendship should just be pure and with no expectations like a give and take situation. However, there comes a time when you have this friend you feel like you cannot be *just* friends anymore. It can be frustrating especially for a girl. Men will say it but rarely will we. I wrote the tit-bits below with an intention of sending to my friend. I never did, but I know he suspects it might have been something bad that either of us did that costed our friendship. If you read this, and you think you know it is you, I am sorry.

Few years back when we met as acquaintances, I hardly knew we would fast be friends. You were so reserved to the extent that I knew we would never be friends. Though I knew I would see you more often because of the situations that made us meet, I knew you were one of the friends who liked it very formal. I respected that. As much as you made me tone down being hyper just to match your energy, at least talked less when you were around because you hardly ever maintained a long chat which was very formal. As time went by, we grew to talk more. You were so sweet and considerate. Held my hand through a bit of my growing up. You made me comfortable and showed me the other good side of life I had not experienced. Where people talk in low voices and don’t have to maintain eye contact. Cannot lie you brought the best in me, you made me alive in a sober way.

With time, we finally became what people would call friends. You did not hide much, opened a bit by bit. You prodded but never pushed for me to speak. With time, I realized just how much I always looked forward to the talks. You were and still are a very nice person. It scared the hell out of me. You were a healing shell and I admired your baby steps and the resilience to overcome. You were a considerate dreamer. I really liked you for that. The more we talked, the more I realized what a good human being you are. I looked forward to the moments. I looked forward to the talks. I looked forward to your eyes. I searched your face every day to see your eyes, which I think I managed twice or three times.

I admired how bold you were when tackling life. You were not afraid to crawl amidst the dash or stop when need arose. For you, it only mattered that you went forward. I was used to some friends who had bits of what you stood for but for the first time, you were like four of them in one.

But you tripped; you fell in love and said it …….

I was not a young girl not to know what was coming. I suspected but I think I took for granted. I thought it would not come so soon. But then it came. My world stopped for a bit. I played with our feelings and it was so painful to see us get hurt. I will never forget the first time you maintained the gaze. It broke my heart into a million pieces. I will NEVER forget that. The rage, hate and brokenness. I will never forget what you said to me.
“Doris, we cannot be friends, I want you more than that. You won’t convince me otherwise”

That evening I went to bed but could not sleep, sat at the balcony until 3:00am crying. I don’t know why I cried but I knew you were not the man I wanted I wanted in my life. I never wanted a man who always told me yes. I did not want a man who controlled me (yes you did even without words). I never wanted to see you as my partner because you made me so vulnerable. You challenged me and I am so glad for that. But every day I saw you, I always wanted you to accept me as a good girl. I did not want you to know my weaknesses but always ended up sharing almost everything.

I ask myself if I led you on, to some extent, I did. I always fell in your embraces like my life depended on it. The kiss I stole in the dark was because I did not want you to see my eyes sparkle. Dragging each other to church was the most beautiful thing in our friendship. There are sermons I just stared at you praying and hoped that you prayed for me too. But still, my heart would not love you as lovers are to. I am so grateful for everything.

However, I am so sorry. I know we can never be friends again. You put that so clear. I miss you. But nothing has changed. To date, I still cannot let my heart accept you as a lover. I am so sorry for leading you on. I am sorry for making you sad. I am not sorry for the happiness you brought me. I am not sorry about the kiss, I liked it. I am not sorry for the times we were there for each other. I will never be sorry that I met you. In fact, I really thank God I did. I really wish we were still friends as much as I know that will never be.

IT IS A WOMAN’S WORLD: SORRY, EXTROVERSION DOES NOT WORK

girl-power
askingsmarterquestions.com

That was too much detail to begin with but as woman, I have often battled with the feeling that at times, I need to be considered just because I am a woman. Like when we are in a team of ten, nine men and I expected to form a team of two or three, I should be picked automatically because I am a woman. The world does not work that way. The battle against a woman, in some instances, is purely sexist. It is a fact that the few women who work so hard to be at the top go all the way. This, especially in Africa, is not an easy thing a man to handle. A man will bring you down sometimes just because you are a woman. However, there are men who genuinely support women. A good example would be the president of the republic of Kenya backing Amb. Amina Mohammed for AU chair post. As much as I really wish that she will be elected on basis of merit and not politics, I feel so proud when men believe that a woman is competent enough for highly regarded positions.

I have heard stories from my friends where senior men in an organization have had flings with junior females that never ended in the ladies growing career wise. No sexually transmitted promotions. I recently read Danielle Steels; Power Play and I must admit I learned so much. Marshall Weston, A powerful CEO in Northern Carolina has an affair with junior staff who ends up bearing him beautiful twins. To him, the clandestine, is just what she wanted her for first, Sex. Reading this book, I wondered just what lengths we ladies go to get it easy. Also, how long does easy last? From my personal experience, it does not. I know hard work pays off. The good thing is that the step-by-step can be very painful and may take ages but one thing am sure of is that the position that comes with hard work may be taken away from you but the experience will a legacy. Drawbacks are only set back springs to leap into a bigger and better realm. This is only if you take time to analyze the short comings and learn from the mistakes.

Personally, as a woman, at times I get swallowed into the life of what the society will think of me. I tend to care more about what people will say about me. It even seems harder when you are not a very young girl and you think of what a potential suitor may think of you because you are pushing your dream. I remember a masseuse friend of mine we pursued a language course together two years back who stopped massage services partly because all the males she met thought she was a whore hiding behind professional masseuse services. What broke my heart was the time and financial resources she spent training to give the best massages. It was not proper but I keep on encouraging her to go for it. She was so good at what she did.

It is not so funny because over time, I have thought extraversion works. During in-house training on Balanced Score Card , one of the facilitators told us that in the current organizational set-up, it has almost become the norm  that only 30% of your work, actually determines what rewards you will get; “politics” contributes a massive 70%. It boils down to;

Who do you know?

What favours can you offer the senior?

What do you hold against the top person that can bring him or her down?

What cards do you hold in the many games you play at work?

It is sad because most women think pity party and sex are the only cards they have to play. You cannot lift a camera and you want to be a news reporter? Yes I know you might tell me that that is what camera man does. But lady, style up. You will go to a war zone and watch a bullet pass through your Cameraman’s skull. Does is mean you pack the bags and leave immediately or you get that scoop make yourself proud. As a woman, do you think sleeping 8 hours every night as the men burn the midnight oil to crack a code will make you super just because you pursued IT? Do you think as a mother when you take your girl shopping while the boy accompanies the dad to make business deals you are being fair to your daughter? Is it okay as a lady to constantly “proudly” claim how you hated Maths and sciences  before your children and other people ( even employers) make it okay? Do failures of the stereotyped areas make you a great woman? Yes we don’t have same abilities but it is high time women learn to maximize on their strengths. Boob and booty is good. Brains are much better. Six inch heels make you taller abilities, skill and experience makes a lady stand out.

It is okay if you happen to get into family business but what you bring to the table matters the most. When Margarita Louis-Dreyfus took over Louis Dreyfus Company after demise of her husband in 2009, most people expected her to keep the company on the growth trend with the same strings her husband pulled. However, there is only much one can do and deciding what is best and works for you is important.  She is selling Marseille Football Club, just maybe, it is the best thing that will ever have happened to the Agriculture based trade big house .

Women, let us build us.