I Let Myself Feel Something

Yester night wile lying in bed after the laziest day I have ever had in a long time and my Siz funny bone picking up as I cleaned up for bed ( working on revenge) , I thought a lot about this thing called love. I hardly understand how some people make a whole big deal out of it . Another angle would be why some people are careless with it , dishing it out in the deepest measure to all. Truth be told , they may never know that . We should love everyone, but as human beings, we have the ability to draw the line; who to love most , deep and unconditional and who to love, just love . However at times, we hardly know that we love someone , very deep, until something gives us a wake up call . For me it took this movie to evaluate a few things .

How did I feel something, let myself feel something?

Something in life will teach you to be there for someone without loving them. It will teach you to fragment your heart such that each compartment has its roles. The heart will be so busy that no fragment will be apportioned to Eros love . Along the journey, there will come genuine people, you will know it but being a master at the game, they will not be allowed too close to know the buttons to press, even if it means literally running away.

Then comes a time when you meet an equally carefree soul. A bird that doesn’t have a home. In the mind, you will say a lil prayer, pop a champagne by yourself and make merry because finally, there is a shell , just like yours, that lacks a heart . Without thinking of the dangers , you will be you. No lies , pretense, struggle , future plans and all the *crap* that comes with love. It will be just two human beings who treat each other nicely. Within no time, there will be sharing of personal stuff, all this while without any special spark. The self-lie will continue. This isn’t something. You will never meet each others friends but will know what each likes, the parents birthday, the siblings favorite colors, the fears , achievements , drawbacks, that nasty uncle, the favorite aunt because there is no pressure to share but it comes natural .

You go out to catch new stuff together . He treats you nice when you bump into his boys. She treats you nice when you see her squad . No attachment . Whenever you meet , you just can’t stop bubbling about the new achievements . The prospects, plans , and when the adrenaline gets better of you , the family you wish for . You don’t cuddle when watching movies . You don’t fix the hair when you have a date. He doesn’t call you bae or baby because you both know that your hearts are cold, or at least one of you knows .

heart
Pic Courtesy

One day , you wake up and realize, you miss them. You don’t miss the stories, the new stuff, the funny loud laugh, the very thing you hate about then. No, you just miss them. You miss their ego , their stupidity , the clueless self,  the sluggishness , the being late in everything . You miss their forehead ( lol) and their strained ponytail or weave maybe ( if you belong to MAWE)  . You miss how you hated a man being so talkative. For a fact , it still does not hit you that one of your heart fragments has misbehaved . You ignore and know that the distance and silence doesn’t matter anymore .

Days turn into many days then into many more days and you realize that you don’t stop missing them. You think of all you hated about them and laugh alone when you think of it. You ogle at everyone who looks like them. You stop bonding with any other soul because the memories are too special to create new one or to forget . You don’t have a picture of them. It is perfect because nothing is as valuable as a mental picture because it is always the perfect version of someone you will ever have . The many days roll into months then the painful truth hits you. It is no longer the laughter but the tears. You miss them so much that it literally hurts . Yes, you can tell the doc that you got a painful heart. You think about them every single day . You wish you had never met them. The biggest revelation is that for the longest time ever, you felt something or allowed yourself to feel something . The something is so bad that you can hardly wish to feel it again . You wish the cause would come just one more time, so that you can prove you are immortal and cannot feel anything . However unlike before, you wish they would come  back with open arms so that they would crush you in the biggest hug that you never realized how good it was . You miss telling someone your fears without feeling guilty . You hate it that that you miss when someone never judged you . You cannot stand that you know that someone trusted you with some things that were so personal to them . You are afraid that you will never see someone grow to stop being afraid of you and being them . You reminisce every days of the few day that you were so real around someone . You dont know if they do miss the moments too. You will never know if they let themselves feel something or they ran away when they felt something .  You wish that you  did not  but you did; FEEL SOMETHING.

Is It a Choice ?

In bid to be the best, we need to sacrifice so much. We compromise our sleep time, our social life at times our morals and more often than not, the *ME*.

DSC_0699I have been attending more talks in the last 12 months than I have in the other last 3 years combined. Every speaker has confessed to have sacrificed something. If not, he or she a struggled with keeping all areas of their life intact. Every day someone else stands up in a forum to echo the sentiments, I always take some time to think of the sacrifices I might have made consciously or not. In those times, I will wander off, into a faraway land mentally and think of the people I know who have had to make the very hard , painful sacrifices just to , maybe, fit in a certain social class or achieve a dream they badly wanted .

In one of the forums that had brought together working mums, I did learn that some women never saw their kids awake except on Sundays. Some has to sneak out of bed at midnight to finish on some paper work or reply to email or others , few but quite shocking , have chosen work over families . In another informal discussion, men have barely seen their family members days on end so that the wife will drive the latest car model and the children attend international school. What for? At what cost?

I used to and somehow still think they are crazy. However as each day passes, the reality dawns on me that it is not just them. Maybe I am able to see it because I am on the other side. But in all these, I fail to see me . I am blinded but scapegoats that I have rarely audited what sacrifice has cost me .

There are days I have kept silent because I clearly would not want to cause friction. I sacrifice my happiness for those I love . Then there are times that I have stopped myself from reaching out for fear of being called weak , desperate and insecure . In such situations I have had to live with regrets of not knowing what would have been if I tried . In other instances, I have waited for someone else to make the first move so that I can complement, I did not believe I could do it .

I have sacrificed my sleep, free time and resources just to please the people I have deemed important in making decisions I my life. On those days I have worked on my way to work, at work, during lunch breaks, after work and still carried my work home . Those days, I have passed on coffee dates, girl shopping , group discussions, music concerts , long walks and diary time . Those times, have made me weary , unproductive and weak .

I have cancelled weekend plans because an acquaintance needed favour and kept me waiting for four hours without apology. On such days, I have been angry with myself for letting me be used. I have inhibited my chance of experiencing new things because more often than not, that day would be wasted . Still I would not say or show how pissed of I am.

Then comes the days I have called family or friends just to pour my heart out then I end up listening to their own . With absolutely no chance of letting what I had out . On this day , I have cried twice as much as I would have ;for me and the person on the other end .

In all these situations, I have realized that they could repeat in a more lighter way . When I choose to encounter such . Like when I decide to work extra hour and skip my lunch , or call someone just to listen to them Then those deals or relationships that I have initiated and never worked. I will always be grateful I tried.

In all the situations, I wake up every day asking God to show me the way , that I will not please a fellow human being but I will be happy and Gods will ,will be done.

Birthday Mood

I am getting old so fast. Next Week a day like today, God willing, I will officially start the 27th Year journey. That is quite fast and scary. I have no special plans for my birthday. Just throwing a good thanks giving prayer to God.

When I turned 24, I thought that I wanted to go out and grab everything. I wanted to explore, take chances and risks and never stop at anything. At 26, I knew I needed to cut a niche, go for precise and more so define who I wanted to be. Thus for sure will last maybe until 28 or 30.

However, recently I have been thinking of the simple “ what I want in my 30’s” . I tried to summarize as below,

  1. I will get over the fact that I may not be able to have 7 children
  2. I will play tennis again and be a very good swimmer,*cough* !
  3. I will have 10 pairs of heels and colored boots
  4. I will learn to eat NDUMA/ARROW ROOTS
  5. I will stop enjoying cheese and onion flavored Amigos and calling it supper on Friday nights
  6. Be okay and comfortable where I will be, doing what I love with those I love. I hope to be in a place where I no longer go out to take risks but know, plan and tackle only what I know I need. This does not mean that I will not have drawbacks, but just that I will not have regrets
  7. I will stop crying when so happy or sad.
  8. I will be living in my home and not just a house
  9. I will, almost every day, wake up next to someone whose morning breadth I won’t loath. I can’t stand my own morning breadth. This for sure I need grace
  10. Take a road tour for sub-Sahara Africa… hello bucketlistKE , I hope you will help me with this
  11. Maybe, just maybe I will subscribe and commit to gym sessions. I really wish my flat stomach will make a comeback sometime
  12. Last but not least , I will still have a mind of “tell l it as it is at the very moment “

But hey, It’s only the 26th Birthday, no pressure . Maybe I will get myself a pair of heels or some pendant necklace I googled earlier today and can’t take my eyes off it.

When I Cheated ,,,

“I will not stand this anymore, am sorry”

I never knew I had the strength to say those words. In fact, I never imagined, I would even think of the words. We fought, yes but we always made up. Just like lovers ought to do.

It was full moon outside. I came home late from a meeting with friends. Then, I had never tasted alcohol. I hated it. I could not stand a drunken person. Until that day, I just never knew how one would experience tons of difference tastes in a sip of wine. Our host kept going on and on about the bottles he had. They were imported and very fine. The cheapest had cost him Ksh 25,000. He offered me a glass from the Ksh.60, 000 bottle for my first . The wife approved. Their family friends did too. My friends did. On a Maasai shuka , right in their backyard , I succumbed . It was heavenly. a quarter of the glass is all I needed .

We left. Not visibly drunk but I was light in my step.

I turned the lock but realized the door was locked from the inside. I did not expect him until later in the night. It was barely 8:30PM. I knocked and he did open, but clearly not happy.

“Dee, where have you been?”

I was happy so I guess I thought being funny was good

“Had gone out to buy fun “

Oh poor me! All went south.

We had fought before, but nothing like this.  I stood frozen right before him. He kept talking, his eyes full of rage. For those who know me, I could have cried. I did not. I listened and watched him.

“You were supposed to be here. We had plans for the evening, remember?”

I only managed to shake my head. Somehow, the shaking brought me back from the daze. I picked up my purse that I had tossed on the table and walked out, not before turning around and uttering my life changing words

“I will not stand this anymore, am sorry”

I went out and called my best friend. Called my mother in law (valid name though was come we stay) to take care of my son until we sort things out. That very day, I went out for my first music concert, with new clothes and shoes. I had even managed to pass by the salon.

That’s how I met Ber. I made a move he did not resist. We talked as we danced and he was easy. He later took my friend and I for a midnight bite. My friend left us when I insisted she goes back to her family. I had enough money for a hotel room and last me a few days. I did not know if it was officially over with my baby daddy, but this one time, I was okay if my actions would mean I had cheated on him.

Ber took me to his home, watched me turn into a wreck with tears when I had to say why I was out. He lulled me to sleep, brought me breakfast in bed and gave me the shoulder I desperately needed.

I won’t judge me for what I did . I am just happy I am happy. My son and Ber are good friends. For now, that is all I need. Soon, there will be a sister or a brother. I don’t know what the future hold s, but I know what the past did to me. Am okay with just being happy .

 

2016 FIRST QUARTER AT WORK

If there is one thing that I really wished and prayed about in regards to work in 2016 is that God will give me the patience and grace to do what is right. This mainly might have been from my 2015 experience. That of being taken advantage of. I am one person who knows to say no but I mostly fail to do so at work. I would think this is because I am a perfectionist and somehow workaholic. But, quarter way through 2016 and I can truly say, the sea has pulled so much that at times, I can hardly explain. I can’t even start to think of the terms to explain it.

The three months have had some of the very best work related experiences. All of which I have looked back in awe with, “God, I know that is you and I am very grateful.” I have talked and met some people that have totally inspired me that when I have pushed myself just a little, it has been a surprise at what God has done.

In equal measure, I have never been tested this much in my career path; as a sales girl, teacher, journalist and all legal works I have done. It has been a ROLLERCOASTER!!! I have cried, dusted myself, prayed, put in extra hours or changed plans just to be a better person for me. It has been so bad that I think there are days I operated solely on my mother’s prayers.

I have never competed with anyone for anything, even in school. I always compete against me .The me now is work in progress. I look at the women I admire  like  my mom ,Stella Kilonzo, Cynthia Nyamai , Beatrice Marshal , Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg , I read their stories and listen to their testimonies . These women have always worked hard not so beat anyone but to outdo themselves and always be a better version of what they were the previous day. With that, I know that with the help of God, my current baby steps are a sure foundation because he never disappoints.

I did not write down any New Year resolutions. I thought of a better plan, a vision board with long term strategies. I am excited because of how GOD is working on each of my desires. One of the things I really wanted to do is work by the beach for a day or two. I did not know what work and honestly my employer was out of question. I thought maybe I would do some articles to a magazine or help out someone but God knew exactly what was to happen. He is faithful.

Working (either self/employed) , is not easy . There are sacrifices that one has to make. We are human and at times it is TOO MUCH TO BEAR but those are the times to look at the card in hand and play it well. Ask God to guide your steps every day. Situations , people and even yourself will bring you down, take advantage of you , set you up or break you, but never forget that the only person between you and your happiness is the one on the other side of the mirror ; YOU. Realize your weakness, learn to say sorry and do not feel ashamed to show vulnerability. Push the limits because nothing will be given to you on a silver platter. Above all, go down on your knees to praise, pray, exalt, ask, and talk to God. Only he knows the plans he has for you.

I don’t know what the next quarter holds, but I take one day at a time and always ask God to guide me and never let me go. It is three days to my brother’s 2nd anniversary. It is not easy emotionally. I don’t know what death does to other people but I think I am learning to understand what it has done to me. One might be that the pain will always be part of my life, at least for now and though I can hide under the fake smile, sleep or loads of work, there are days it will be so bad and it will not choose the place to manifest. This will be a constant reminder that better days are ahead, hope for a day free of Pain. Happy days .

Psalm 37:4-14 

4 Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun. 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. 8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. 9 For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land. 10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. 11 But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity. 12 The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; 13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming. 14 The wicked draw the sword and bend the bow to bring down the poor and needy, to slay those whose ways are upright.

 

I WILL NOT LET MYSELF DOWN

When I am anticipating traveling, I prepare way in advance. I will mostly concentrate on what to wear because I know that my clothes largely speak of what I am going through and how my day will or has been. Unlike planned journeys, life is one very long one that you cannot fully prepare for the next minute. Today, I am writing this with a broken heart. Since the year began, I promised myself that I will not cry over situations especially at work and on friendship.  For family, I have no choice of what attachment I want. But today, on the 70th day of 2016, I broke down, just temporarily I know. I wished to tell someone just how hard I have tried and how best I have put my foot forward but I couldn’t bring myself to. On the 69th day, I called one of my friends who maybe know some of my darkest secrets. I just wanted to tell her how bad it had gotten but I couldn’t. For close to 30 mins, we basically chat about nothing. I stayed up close to midnight hoping that I could have someone to tell what I felt. Not that there are no people  to call, but I just wanted to tell someone who would listen and not tell me its normal. I wished for someone to just listen, hug me tight and tell me it is alright; or maybe I was being too hard on myself.

I stopped fighting when I realized some fights are not worth it. It hurts so much to know that I might be part of a fight that I really never knew was a fight. I pray, every single morning, that God gives me the grace to accept things I can’t change and change those that I can. I am okay with that. I no longer fight for favors, I stopped pleading for relationships that I felt was one way and I am learning to content with what God has blessed me with. I try not to gossip as much as I can, I stopped being a groupie but I don’t shy away for making friends .

I take on challenges that push me to the limit (God knows how hard I push myself) , I am learning to love more and fit in as situations arise .

This week, has been a roller coaster. Being from a point where I wanted perfection, I really wonder how I survived. Today, I stand up again, just to be me. The tears came, just for a few minutes. I wish I could change some perceptions, but I know I cant. So today I will let myself cry, but I know it will be a better tomorrow. I will not relent pushing a bit too hard, I will not stop dreaming, I will not stop taking challenges head on, I will not walk away because I will have given up, I will not stop asking God  to give me as much as he has blessed me with ;no , I will not stop . I will not sit back and watch because it is a culture, no! I will give as much as I can to stop a culture that doesn’t help me realize God’s will in my life. I will fight valid battles. I will try one more time until I can. I will let go where necessary , I will impart knowledge . I will be a successful as in ; *You are only successful when your successor succeeds *. I will watch, ask, read and practice just to learn and be the best . I will be more than just a woman.

I believe that God has a plan for each one of us . They are good plans. We have been given different strengths and weaknesses and it is okay . You can never have everyone as your friend. You can Never please everyone, you can Never be someone else, it just can Never be ,but you can learn to embrace everyone & teach them and learn from them because at the end of the day, there can only be one of that kind; you, her or him.

God has pu in me so much potential I sometimes downplay. When someone says no to me, I know that by the fact that I am alive, God has given me a yes to make a difference. He has given me the mandate not to apologize for being correct . I know that the Lord , through his scriptures , has taught me to say sorry when I have erred . With a new day, God has given me permission to be glad and rejoice in it .

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that if Doris believes in Him , she shall not perish but have everlasting life

I believe in God’s word

Jeremiah 1:5

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I dedicated you, a prophet to the nations I appointed you

AQUA PHOBIA

I would rather be caught butt naked, literally, in my house the whole weekend than go out shopping or have fun. My kind of fun is a clean house, enough nibbles and a good book or movie topped up with endless sessions of sleep. There might be a little social media moment. If I have to sacrifice all this bliss to attend a function invited by someone who is not a very close friend , then out rightly , I really need a human being presence or in dire urge to discuss football. Sometimes , it also feels good to be around a good number of cheeky young men swarmed by quite good pair of million dollar boobs and butts , waist fat straining hard against waist trainers , 6 inch heels being balanced on by what one would think are day old calves and that human being with more than five accents . If lucky enough you might spot fake Brazilian hair strands and hints of cellulite neatly tucked under stockings. There will be a handful super brains that will get one guessing whether these women were born or delivered (heard there is a difference) , with tailor made outfits that attracts every eye, even the bees feel their important yet flowery presence .

This most likely would be a barbecue party. At one table, would be this tipsy lad in his late 30s with a nice baritone engaging a group of four. They will all look quite engrossed in the Volkswagen failures talk or a Ducati prowess while in real sense, no skirt will go unnoticed. At some point, the natural beauty with the “illest” pair of denim pants will show up and replenish the drinks. I will continue digging into my red meat while listening and keenly observing their eyes. It is a cheat day so the meat will be my greatest company even with the impending joint pains. Darn, I will have the meat, so soft and sumptuous then drown few painkillers later after a scalding shower .All will be well my feet.

It is football international break so one will be in a hurry to leave. At 7:00pm, the tipsy will be a little drunk and the music will be slightly over the top. To many of us, this is that suburb we work almost 14 days a week to afford. Though the sun will have gone down, the heat will suddenly rise and swimming costumes forked out of those tiny clutch bags. How now?? How can so much fit into such small thing! Plus who sent the bikini memo? I never got one, not even from B who looked at me with her big begging eyes to be her date while right now, and she might have already won her 2nd 50m backstroke! It is sad, right? She just wanted help to balance on her heels to this place. I however got the meat without someone reminding me of the pain later on, so I guess it’s a truce. The aqua phobic in me comes out full fledge, the running nose is inevitable. I huddle my freshly replenished plate of meat and the third can of energy drink (NEVER advisable) and move closer to the fire. My jacket is zipped up and that is how the cookie crumbles; I lose the boob game battle, which I thought of all the games, has a chance of being ranked top ten. I mean, it’s time to dress down and here I am adding more clothes on. I give up and join some of the guys enjoying the sight from a distance.

The woman in me will notice the cup A and D, the stretch marks and cellulite. I will separate real human hair ( tihihihi!) from fake one ;both will be from the same vendor at river road . Woe unto the tattoo guy who won’t let me confirm real eyebrows on the fleek. I will sit there and imagine what some use to scrub their ample derrière. They are supposed to be darker than the rest of the body, right ? But these ladies have it all same skin tone as the rest of the bodies except the face. Because I do not know how, another heavenly piece in my mouth and I will suddenly spot Zoey, trying to race against none other than host .When my parents almost fought because they couldn’t settle on Shaniqua or Heather (these names feature on the worst female name lists 😏 )  , her parents had already settled on Zoey. I look closely and realize how perfect she looks and I imagine the last time I worked out. It breaks my heart and I comfort myself with another piece of meat .I try to look at all others and thankfully I notice that we women are so different. Even the perfect one has this funny knees ( lol) .

At 9:00 pm I am so tired of eating (you can’t blame me, blame where I come from) and I will walk around the pool imagining myself at the deep end. That quickly fades too. Almost everyone is singing at the top of their voice, some music I can’t even identify the genre.

Luckily I am not alone. Three more are experiencing “ I can’t fit in this kind of party “ syndrome too . Maybe because we fear swimming pools so much; we carry so many bad memories of water masses. We just can bear the fact that people can stay under water for more than a second. Noooooo! For another maybe it is because he lost his girlfriend at the first such kind of party he attended. The other I guess it is because he outgrew and for the last one, maybe his religious position doesn’t allow. We all have played our part by honoring the invites.

Lucky has it that someone is leaving; at least I can hitch a ride to CBD then to my lovely escape and warm bed. 12:45am, a few painkillers and hot shower later, It is time to re-watch Black Coffee Movie (I watch it at least once every week) . It is a beautiful night