Confession II

1
PEXELS

Few years back when I hit the rock bottom of my emotions after what I ever thought would be my forever crumbled, I silently swore that the tiny little pieces I gathered would never be pieced together. This is for a very simple reason. I never wanted my heart whole again for one person to ever own it. So practically, I kind of spread the heart in the different parts of my mind. One that loves beard, the other that loves a muscled John Cena replica, the other that adores a good butt like Beckham’s , the other that is intrigued by the artistic work close to Bikozulu.com or a stupid one that would wish that whoever broke the heart in the very tiny pieces would just come back. Few other pieces at the back of my mind love a man who would buy a newspaper religiously like my dad did the other on the forehead with for PN’s height or a witty Jay. All other pieces have a life their own. But I think the biggest piece loves bear hugs and cuddles. The next biggest piece loves hearty laughter over a sumptuous meal. I have no idea what some pieces want. It is a battle and a learning curve.

Some pieces are so stubborn. They keep on looking for their perfect fit, from which they broke from. They somehow found each other. That’s trouble.

I don’t know what people think getting attached to someone is. I am still looking for the meaning too. I think I started looking for the meaning when I met someone three or almost four years back. Here is a snippet. I know he will see this and will know who he is but I will call him BB.

BB and I met through a friend. It was those people I had NEVER heard of until we were introduced. We did hit off instantly and he was everything I thought I would never be attracted to. Very arrogant, too young considering my previous taste, he loves life on the fast lane and those who would not commit. I was hooked. It was intoxicating that the more differences I learned, the more it drew me in. BB is not the kind of man to show weaknesses, emotions or care. I do not know if he did it on purpose for our “situationship” but thinking of it, it is like I run after him. I promise myself to stop but I cannot. With time, I got to know a few things about BB that I know were my magnet. He showed care, emotion and concern when I least expected it. He is a gentleman that I have used every of my strength to run from.

I think I brought down the walls that had guarded my heart. I remember one time I was so deep that I texted a friend just to let it off my chest. It was so hard bad that it hurt physically. I am glad I shared because it felt lighter but not that it ended. Too bad I am that woman who doesn’t believe in telling someone how I feel especially to someone I know partly what he is looking for. It might have been an undoing because sometimes I thought I would have given myself a chance just to know what he feels.

We still talk, but just like before, I started untangling the pieces that had found mutual co-existence and made me feel something. Love is beautiful. Eros love is very complicated. This is dedicated to BB:

“A year after knowing you, I fell in love with you. It was gradual but eureka moment came. I was afraid to say it because I thought it would never have worked. One day you were so tender and the next miles away. That uncertainty was scary. I still have you around though. To talk to once in a while. I am glad of the man you have grown into. The exact man, maybe I would have loved to have for myself a few years back. Which to some extend would have been a disaster because I was looking for an escape not for love. I was looking for familiarity not company and maybe for comfort not a partner. I am not writing this to have you change your mind on anything. Definitely no. I have written to you so many pieces, I think I sent you one sometimes back. I am deleting the rest of the drafts because I know I need to free myself. This is my way of getting final closure. I am so blessed to have as a friend and you will always be a friend I will love never to lose. I will never deny that I fell in love with you and I have learned to love with getting you to reciprocate. I wont deny that I learned to let you go because I have known that love if not a fantasy “

To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything‘ -Bill Russell

I want what Rusell said.

Permission

I think that there is a time in your life when your conscience just opens up to reality. That time when you can no longer hide behind the lot of work and pain. When you can no longer lie that you are too busy taking care of others that you have no time for yourself, that time will come, sooner or later. Mine came, at first I did not know how to do me, then I started feeling so good and went deeper, then this year , it opened me to a lot of realities. I still do not know if I can handle more of the realities but I dove in, and am going to swim all the way. It is very scary and I think I have been reduced to a punching bag by life. I wake up with a sprint and in just a second, another one hits me so hard that at times I am so scared that I will never be able to stand again, there are days I actually thought I was running out of breath and might not be able to survive a few more hours.

I have maintained my long term goals; because that is the only way I can keep sane. That sense of a bigger picture that outweighs the little current moments. There will be days you will see things crumble before your eyes, a very hopeless moment. Many at times this year, I had no strength to pray. I would just whisper, “Jesus, I need you, take the wheel” and tuck in bed. No tears by the way, just a defeated soul. I would be so weary to sleep, so hurt to talk to some people, so misused to even feel bad. I want an escape but I have no strength to run anymore. I will just stick around and allow myself experience this.

I always made lemonade out the lemons, but I discovered that lemons are actually some of my favorite fruits. I eat them more often than any other fruit. I even nibble on the rind. It is not new. Through that, it finally dawned on me that maybe some of us even do not know how to make lemonade, so why just not eat the fruit, and if so many, just sell and make lots of profit.

Letting live a little more comes with ups too. There are limits you push yourself to that you will always be amazed of how you made it. You will be so shocked of the potential you sat on for a very long time. That is the part that keeps me going. 36 hours straight of work, school, travel, family and threw in 3 hours of a very important date/meeting. That was one of those moments that when I hit the bed, I just wanna curl up and sleep in the joy of the little achievements. Days that I have done what I know I should have done few years back. Reality of walking away calmly without struggle and pain. Every time I do this, I am so proud of myself. Every time, it isn’t easy and every time it costs a little extra. There is no traffic on the extra mile, but it isn’t as easy to navigate as the normal. I don’t know if we all get the eureka moments at some age but I think mine came at 27. I kind of got this permission from myself to live a little. To be free, to push, to make more decisions, to allow myself be human. I no longer fear trying what I think may come with disappointments. I don’t hold back what I think should be said or done. I don’t hold back a little emotion. I am opening up to more learning including music. I am accepting that there are things in life that I have to give up, embrace or adopt. I am pushing out of the comfort zone slowly but surely. I am giving myself permission to say No and Yes where applicable. I am not beating myself down when I don’t get what I want, the same way I am taking failures and lessons and springboards for better tomorrow.

This is a new chapter that somehow I am grateful that I am not walking alone. I am walking with hope, faith, self-confidence, strength, ambition, emotions, resilience and above all God. It is a journey that I try accept and embrace the fact that I will lean and rely on people. I will allow myself to experience it all. It may be hard for a few of those close to me but I hope this will still keep them close. I just wanna be a girl, and live a little.

21 Random Q&A

Inspired by @21QuestionsKE on Twitter, I decided to do a little bit of my own version. All answers are nothing but the truth 😉 😉

  1. What do you hope you grow out of?

Mixing my food e.g I mush Ugali and Veggies

  1. What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do on a regular basis?

Healthy? I drink lots of water

Unhealthy? I am addicted to chapati

  1. When looking for a significant other, what three things are most important (besides looks)?

Spiritual ( religion), Intelligence and cleanliness

  1. How much do you judge a person by their appearance?

Appearance matters very little

  1. What is the most embarrassing thing you own?

Some cloth ( I cannot be specific 😜 😜 )

  1. What is the strangest habit you have?

I sometimes just curl on the couch and suck on my thumb when I run out of options

  1. What movie made you cry the most?

I cry while watching almost every movie. War Room in the recent past ( I prayed a lot too through it )

  1. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood?

Every escapade with my cousins especially looking for mangoes, fetching firewood and water

  1. What was the worst date that you’ve ever been on?

In 2013. I broke a few things when I hit the table

  1. What’s your favorite vacation memory from when you were a child?

At my maternal grandma’s place

  1. What belief do you have that most people disagree with?

That God will give you what you ask for in a partner, sometimes 100%

  1. What impression do you try to give when you first meet someone?

Easy and talkative

  1. Who or what inspires you to be a better person?

God. I am assured of his love. And my dreams, because I believe in them

  1. What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship?

I fell in love, with every air I did breathe

  1. If you found out your current life has been just a dream, would you choose to wake up? (You don’t know if your real life would be better or worse.)

Nope. I have had quite good lessons

  1. What dumb thing did you believe for a really long time?

That I could have 7 biological children

  1. What are some things you would you like to achieve before you die?

Inspire someone to be better and a two month straight vacation to different places

  1. Where would you like to retire?

Kenya

  1. What brings you the most joy in life?

When those I care about are happy

  1. What is the best and worst part of your personality?

Best -I care too much

Worst – I rarely give 2nd chances

  1. How would your perfect partner treat you?

With absolute honesty

Life Lessons

When I was growing up, especially in my late teens and the first three years into twenties, there is so much that I told myself I would do different from my mother and many other older women I had interacted with. I told myself that I needed to be this person who will awaken the next generation of these versatile women who were positively resilient, go-getters, goal setters and independent. See, this was probably just when I was getting into media and had really not interacted with many women from different backgrounds and professions. All I carried and still carry is this insatiable hunger to be different, to stand out, to inspire generations especially the girl child. To make men appreciate and respect women. To be different.  Then I started meeting different women, I read about some more, I was narrated to stories of exceptional women. Then I realized that maybe I thought a difference was what everyone felt and saw. I was wrong. I did not need to be applauded to know that I was what I wanted to be. I refused to be defined by the societal norms. I refused to be defined by my past or be measured by my social circles or be intimidated by my sex. I refused. A rebel was born.

Each day, I realize that I am more like maybe more of the things I hated in those women. I hated the extra effort that my mother used to put in at work where she had a very little, almost no appreciation. But she kept on doing it. For the 31 years she has been a teacher, she has always been known to be hard worker, result oriented, disciplinarian, clean, and organized and basically, a teacher some head teachers have clashed when each wanted her on their staff.  Parents have transferred their children to the schools she has transferred to. I never got it. For a long time, I HATED the way she was used to work so hard yet it seemed in turn never got return on her investment. However, every time I visit her at school in the recent past, I am always amazed at how her pupils, parents and even former pupils treat her. Even the bullies bend before her. She is not big bodied, she rarely beats them but they respect her. You ask them why and they say that she is the best teacher and friend they have ever had. Even when she struggled with finances, she ensured that they sat their exams when they could not pay. See, I am not Mother Teresa or anything close to my mother, but I find myself working extra. Not because I will always be looking at having something extra on my work score or CV, but because I do not want to be associated with defeat. I don’t want to fail myself.  No one cares that much if the system fails, because someone else can do what you do. Also, no one cares if you fail. It is only you who knows your strategic plan. I know what I want, in the short and long term. I work my ass off just to see it materialize. And trust me, success is good. Very good.

Another thing that I prayed to God id that to enable me get my family “in good time”, bless it with unity that there will be no divorce and keep away the spirit of death. Maybe I just never said it loudly but I had my reservations about single parents, whether by choice, circumstances or widowed. Sometimes I used to think maybe if my mother remarried or my dad was alive, life would have been much better. I always wondered why someone would walk out of a marriage, or someone would choose not to ever want to get married, or refuse to remarry. I just did not get it. But the older I get, I don’t think there is a time I treat these women with more respect than the next day. I sometimes just think of those that I know and I feel so remorseful that it took me so long to appreciate their choices. I still pray to God to let my children have their mum and dad living together amicably but I think everyone should look beyond the “single parent” tag and appreciate the amazing work the parents have done. The kids have turned not just fine but awesome. No one wants to play the double role but they do it so graciously that you would wonder where the extra energy comes from. Seeing a dad take his daughter to the salon, discussing the brands of sanitary towels along the supermarket aisles, the mothers nursing their sons after circumcision or teaching them how to put on boxers ( yes, it is not automatic like panties), it is amazing. The parents who take the double role to ensure quality education.

My mother turned 53 years today. I texted her in the morning and I was emotional as I wrote that message, more than any other year. Maybe for the longest time, I saw it normal for her to take care of my siblings and I because after all, she is our mother. I am so glad that every day, I see a bigger picture. I am glad that I picked some of those traits from her (Even telling my siblings to carry sweaters on a hot January afternoon). I am the strong woman majorly because of her. I am so proud to be called her daughter.

Happy birthday Love of my life , Mummy dearest !

 

26: Retrospect

How beautiful it is to love yourself without inhibitions. To recognize the season you’re in, adjusting your sails- thriving in and out of season. Trusting that God has placed in you a beautiful tapestry of his Grace, interwoven with the lessons life keeps teaching you. Taking it all in stride, inhaling, exhaling…still here, and still breathing. Understanding your worth, not needing anyone’s approval to step into the light accorded to you. How humbling it is to think that the Creator of the Universe believes in your ability to influence your space. You are not insignificant. You are chosen. Get up. Take your place. Shine your light. Water your petals. Have faith enough to know that one day it will all make sense. You will blossom in every way that you ought to, and in every space that you desire to.”Kambua

When I read that, I felt something like liberation rise in me. I felt loved, I felt free. I don’t know why a simple post can sometimes awaken the fire that for a long time burned like still embers of the dying fire. It got me thinking about the things I have feared for yet they are very insignificant. The things that don’t matter at all. God made me, he knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb, so why do I keep on making myself inadequate? Why do I limit myself?

Personally

I guess it happens to men too but its more profound in ladies. The insecurities we have with our bodies. There are so many things that we have wished we could change. Yes we should worry about the bad fats, the peeling skin or the brittle hair. But you cannot change how God wanted you to be. Urefu na Ufupi, ni maumbile lakini utambi na mimba ni jitahada zako mwenyewe.

“I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are your works, And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14

Emotionally

This may come as a surprise to those close to me and a bit controversial to those we have known each other casually. I have two extremes. I get attached very easily and at the same time I am very unavailable. This is funny, even to me and always confusing .

Firstly, on getting attached easily, it a weakness. Mostly comes with people who at a moment of vulnerability, take charge and take care of me. That I can’t help. I am a madam “do it myself” guru. However, we all need someone; or some people. In some instances, we have had to ask for help and its okay. I have begged for help and I know its okay because I needed it. But there are days when help has come when I least expected it . It has come from the people I least I expected of . Those days, I have just sat back and let someone else take the lead. Those are the people I have lived to automatically qualify them in my “treasured” friends. They have reminded me of the human me. Those people have made have a moment to let people take care of me. They have been so scarce in my life but I am grateful that God has sent the selected few my way. As for the emotional unavailability, I think it’s because I attach deep with no reservations. That’s why I try to avoid the attachment. I think I am not unavailable but I strive not to be unavailable. Nothing prepares you for the pain of a betrayed loyalty and connection. Be it from family, friends or who you think is the love of your life. I may not wholly control the circumstances but I try to .

Love

It is a beautiful thing

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

Defining Timelines

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Pic by Tim Clarke

I don’t know why I have written close to 20 pieces in the recent past but I felt none good enough for publishing. However, I think I finally felt this one,,,,

In a month, I will be turning 27. It is a big deal. I acknowledge that I am soon getting to thirty, the most anticipated age for most ladies. At the same time, I have had one of the most amazing years of my life. 26 has been a year that I think I have had very personal challenges that have stretched my abilities, especially physically. In the past, it has been about other people wholly or partly but this one has been mine. I am so grateful because I have always prayed that I get these moments. They are not as easy as I thought. There are things that I may have been running away from by taking care of other people and facing them left me scared, sometimes scarred but there is no single moment I did not fall in love with

Amidst everything, I have learnt something important about setting your own timelines. When to buy something new, get a new hood, go on holiday  take up a new job, get married  or have kids, let it be at your own time. I know there are scenarios that may not happen according to plan, however, plan them. If they work out, it’s okay, if they don’t, it is okay too.

Work is one thing that causes many people want to change everything for. Let’s face it, I would want to drop everything for a $10,000 job . I need the money. But, does the money compliment the long term plans I have. It is funny that nowadays, I pick opportunities not just for money. Even a one day job. I want something that I will be happy about. I have at times done jobs that have been so painful to execute because I struggled. They never added anything apart from the money. I would then end up spending the money on useless things just to feel good. That is one thing that I have picked up big time.. I am not saying money is bad. No. It is a good thing and we should wish, dream and work to have a lot of money, become rich and finally wealthy .That is actually basically why we look for jobs. But if your friend or former school mate has a six-figure salary job, do not be desperate to get a similar one. You might never be happy and even quit. That is a wasted effort and time you cannot afford. Back in 2011 when I was in college, I was convinced to vie for a sports rep position. I was a lady known to love all sports so everyone assumed that I would do well. Yes I did vie, but of the few times in my entire life, I was so glad I lost. I actually voted for the gentleman who won and he did an excellent job. We worked together for a year and I appreciated why I was glad I did not win. I know my abilities, I know I can push the limits so much, however, with time, I know the fights worth fighting. I have started to discover when to pause, when to sit and watch and when to kick that door and invite myself in.

Another aspect that has been a big part of my interactions is about love. I am no love doctor but in my not so little world, there are things about love that I think should not be bent. Never ever. See, I have grown up in church, lucky to have been an extrovert and exposed to the world at quite a tender age. So I think I have a basic feel of the Christian, Muslim and secular world. My dad never went to church though his dad was a church elder. He would be sleeping as we left for church every Sunday he was around. He only woke up to give us offering. I was too young to get anything but I always admired the dads who brought their children to church and especially Sunday school. I was a Sunday school “prefect” so I would be by the door to see them hand the kids to the teacher. The little girl in me knew that as I grew up, I wanted the father of my children to take them to know God. Decades later, it is still my prayer.  A man who loves God first. A man who seeks God.  Definitely, you can’t say am looking for my dad in a man with this one.

Still on love, I don’t know why people think that by a certain age, one has to be dating, settling down or having children. See, I know there are women who are okay with not getting married, and it is okay. Some get married and do not want children, and that is okay too. We can’t live on standards set by the society. That it’s date get married and have kids’ kind of set up. What if you meet a man, have sex on the first day, get pregnant, then agree to date thereafter and end up not getting married? What if you date, have children then get married? Everyone has their own timelines, I have mine. I remembered when I turned 26 and told someone that I was single and not ready to date. The look on his face was as if I was an outcast. I DO NOT let the society tell me when I should date, when I should have children or when I should get married. I have my wishes, and every day, I take them to the Lord and let his will be done. Love is a beautiful thing, I know. Whether you date a man twice your age, a younger one, a dark or brown, one with a potbelly or one who has muscles even on the fingers, whether you love someone of your religion or another or an atheist, whether it an individual of the same sex or not, love is so pure that it knows no differences. Whoever I choose to love is personal, when I choose to love is my wish and God’s will.  I have learnt that a partner does not make you complete. I have lots that I should work on within me to attract the person who loves what I am. I do not change to make me likeable, no. Not even to my family or friends. If someone genuinely cares and loves you, they will love you for who you are. They will not change you.  And I know that someone loves me genuinely, I will not do stuff to hurt them even if they were my favorites. That is why, we have heard tales of mothers lying they are full just to see their kinds have enough. Why? True love. You will give up basic things that you really need to see someone else happy. Pregnant women give up alcohol . Why? True love . I have learnt that love is about sacrifice that I will not struggle with. At my own time, I will know how dating, marriage and kids steps worked out for me.

My last timeline is about work. Especially if employed. There are times I used to work up to 14 hours a day six days a week. I did it because I thought, that is how careers are built. Until i did a one month challenge to attend business forums and concerts. Career growth does not happen behind a computer and papers. Networking does not happen by sending emails and chatting on Whatsapp. Almost all the people who have come through for me are those that I met on football pitches, concerts or on social media. You might need to put in a lot if it’s your own business because you have the global perspectives of the inputs versus the return on investment. But if you know and understand that you cannot do it alone, get out there, drop the grey and navy blue suits. Put on a sundress and hat, or those boots and jeans. Go have a good a time. I have had so many lone adventures and dates that in the process I have learned a lot and met amazing people. It is no different as I get older. With my own timelines, I go out because the world is beautiful people filled with some amazing people and best opportunities !

Stranger’s Beds

It’s 3am on Sunday morning.

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Architecture & Design ( Pinterest )

Am on phone.  Dimmed light and disabled anything that could produce a sound.  Am supposed to be asleep but my mind has other ideas.  I am reading random posts on Undefeated.com. They are very deep pieces.  Those about rags to riches defeat to triumph or befitting nostalgic flashbacks are my favorite. Am moved and once in a while, I sigh and a tear here and there. All along, I am so engrossed in that world that I cannot feel my limbs. .  I stir a bit to get into a more comfortable snuggle position albeit subconsciously. It feels so good. He purrs and continues to peacefully enjoy the deep sleep.  The even light breaths hit the top of my head and can’t help but smile.  I finish the article then turn to Twitter. It is like a ritual. See, there is nothing validating about this life. The money is good , mostly. However every time when the other one is happy and contented, my thoughts run deep to my sibling’s fee arrears that I have only managed half. That is not really the hard part. It’s the dreams I let down the drain that haunt me. That executive office that I always wanted. The perfect family that I envisioned and above all , the dignity that I worked so hard to maintain until unlike what a woman should be, I broke. I was too stiff to bend.   Back to twitter, there is nothing much. It’s a Saturday night or Sunday morning depending on what you want.  I can clearly tell that it’s a beautiful sky from the shears and suddenly I have this overwhelming feeling to go and watch the sky. When growing up, we were always told that the sky is the limit. Sometimes I think this is relative to my happiness. The only time I am genuinely happy is when watching the clear sky, the moon or the stars. It is not what I wanted.

I manage to escape the snuggle and tiptoe to the bedroom balcony.  And suddenly I have this deja vu.

See, this is a stranger’s bed.  I love stranger’s beds.  They have no ties.  You don’t get into the sheets and suddenly you remember that smell.  No. You get into a stranger’s bed and all it gives you is the warm and comfort.  If you are lucky enough to get silk sheets, you will feel the heavenly caress on your skin and in that moment, you will live that moment fully.

Back to the balcony, I stare at the beautiful crescent moon.  It’s so beautiful.  I get lost in it.  The almost empty bottle of wine is still on the table and the throws that served as seats earlier on carelessly thrown on the rails.  I bring the bottle to my lips and for the first time that night, I feel something.  The wine slightly burns and kind of churns my stomach.  I sigh heavily and outcome hot tears.  I can’t stop.  I know not if it’s relief or pain but I gulp more to empty the bottle.  I hardly notice that I have been out for more than an hour until I feel a tug.  My feet are too heavy to move.  Just like the previous one and the next one, I cling onto the only hope I can cling unto.  I feel safe.  I feel needy.  I know the script too well.

6:30am on Sunday morning.  I am starving and lucky enough lady luck brought a bonus culinary skills.  I try to inhale the sheets deeper; I desperately need something to remember this one for.  Nothing.  I dab my clothes in the new cologne, nothing.

I take photos but delete all because they all seem so wrong

At noon, am back to my bed.  It’s all very familiar.  The signature smell of the house, the bed sheets, even the washroom.  And just like that, I probably will be venturing to another new bed, my office .

A little human part of me dies again.  And another  empty one is created. Ready to bid the next goodbye without a trace of the smell.

AA.