When I Cheated ,,,

“I will not stand this anymore, am sorry”

I never knew I had the strength to say those words. In fact, I never imagined, I would even think of the words. We fought, yes but we always made up. Just like lovers ought to do.

It was full moon outside. I came home late from a meeting with friends. Then, I had never tasted alcohol. I hated it. I could not stand a drunken person. Until that day, I just never knew how one would experience tons of difference tastes in a sip of wine. Our host kept going on and on about the bottles he had. They were imported and very fine. The cheapest had cost him Ksh 25,000. He offered me a glass from the Ksh.60, 000 bottle for my first . The wife approved. Their family friends did too. My friends did. On a Maasai shuka , right in their backyard , I succumbed . It was heavenly. a quarter of the glass is all I needed .

We left. Not visibly drunk but I was light in my step.

I turned the lock but realized the door was locked from the inside. I did not expect him until later in the night. It was barely 8:30PM. I knocked and he did open, but clearly not happy.

“Dee, where have you been?”

I was happy so I guess I thought being funny was good

“Had gone out to buy fun “

Oh poor me! All went south.

We had fought before, but nothing like this.  I stood frozen right before him. He kept talking, his eyes full of rage. For those who know me, I could have cried. I did not. I listened and watched him.

“You were supposed to be here. We had plans for the evening, remember?”

I only managed to shake my head. Somehow, the shaking brought me back from the daze. I picked up my purse that I had tossed on the table and walked out, not before turning around and uttering my life changing words

“I will not stand this anymore, am sorry”

I went out and called my best friend. Called my mother in law (valid name though was come we stay) to take care of my son until we sort things out. That very day, I went out for my first music concert, with new clothes and shoes. I had even managed to pass by the salon.

That’s how I met Ber. I made a move he did not resist. We talked as we danced and he was easy. He later took my friend and I for a midnight bite. My friend left us when I insisted she goes back to her family. I had enough money for a hotel room and last me a few days. I did not know if it was officially over with my baby daddy, but this one time, I was okay if my actions would mean I had cheated on him.

Ber took me to his home, watched me turn into a wreck with tears when I had to say why I was out. He lulled me to sleep, brought me breakfast in bed and gave me the shoulder I desperately needed.

I won’t judge me for what I did . I am just happy I am happy. My son and Ber are good friends. For now, that is all I need. Soon, there will be a sister or a brother. I don’t know what the future hold s, but I know what the past did to me. Am okay with just being happy .




Few years back, I guess when I was still suffering from late adolescent hangover; I had a very funny discussion with some ladies. The *side dish*, mpango wa kando, the other woman, name it, status. I am one of those ladies who greatly respect the marriage institution. The act of knowingly dating a married man sends shivers down my spine . However, yesterday I found myself analyzing a very funny situation. If a lady dates a man , so single but wants to date for 10 years , (uuum, I got no explanation why I think it’s fun to date for such a long time) , while this guy wants to settle down, is it okay to let him marry but still remain the love of your life ?
Tricky, ha? I almost, okay, I did convince myself. From my selfish point of view it is so okay. To make own this school of thought, I will use myself as the subject, trying to details exactly what was going through my mind at the time.
“If this woman is now dating/married this man I met before her, I should not feel guilty dating him even if they are a family now. See, we met before she showed up with her hurried marriage appetite. He does not love him. He married her because he wanted children urgently, something I was not ready to offer .We are soul mates, we knew this that moment our eyes locked at that place (top secret). I remember the way we could not stop looking at each other every time we bumped into each other. You see, this is real love. But this woman!! (lol! can you feel my tone ? ) . She looked like she will make a good mother though. She is the kind that wakes up before everyone, sleeps last and never expects her hubby to even clear the table. The kind of woman who wakes up to prepare her hubby’s friends breakfast because they went partying late and crushed at his place with their women(hell no! not my man’s house!!) Unlike this hard headed girl I am who has been brain washed by movies that have men bake as if it’s the bread of life and scrub the kitchen while I do my pedi !
He still calls me beautiful and we got inner jokes, e.g kifedhs ( I am in tears of laughter for that word! OMG! This is turning out a confession). We still talk late into the night and we tell each other silly secretes. We still inform each other of major decisions we want to make and console ourselves that we just friends. His boys still take me out and call me madam so&so !lol! Oh jeez! My ribs! Big S , don’t kill me for this if you see it . I love the name.
We still have that gaze at his in-laws (the wife’s’) parties. Am a good pal, so I am always invited to parties. I love how well he treats the wife. How well he walks behind her. He is a good one, holding hands/waist was a reserve of us ;-). All these things and much more. Do they justify that we can be more than friends again? There should not be guilt. Who gate crushed our party? Who got into marriage because she only wanted children? Who doesn’t like triggering the macho side of our (yes he is ours, me and her) man? Absolutely not me. It’s her. Does she deserve a cheating hubby? Absolutely no! She is too sweet and submissive for it .I cannot be half the wife she is now. Am only twice the other woman she can try being.
My conscience and principle: There is only one way, moving on and forward .Marriage is a holy institution, blessed by God
Life Rule: Friends, good friends, are treasures too expensive to lose and too delicate to take for granted
Reality: True love NEVER dies
Another Reality (From Movies): If you love someone for real, you should allow them to go when the time comes
PS: Dear J, you made a good choice. Walking away from such is justice to you and the marriage institution. Respect gal!