Random Q & A

I have been doing a lot of online self discovery quizzes. This is one of the many

Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer?

Both. I go for what I find challenging and good enough to build me . I also accept best pitched ideas

You’re a new addition to the crayon box. What color would you be and why?

Blue. It symbolized tranquility

If you finish an interview and you step outside the office and find a lottery ticket that ends up winning $10 million. What would you do?

Take up the job. I believe in honoring good chances . It will also  keep me sober while deciding on how to use the cash

What do you think about when you’re alone in your car?

Most of the time is what top speed I can do

What’s your favorite ’90s jam?

Whitney Houston – I Will Always Love You

If you could be any animal in the world, what animal would you be and why?

A dog because I wanna be man’s best friend

What was the last gift you gave someone?

Just got a stranger happy socks

What were you like in high school?

Afraid, reserved and quite a hard worker

What’s the last thing you watched on TV and why did you choose to watch it?

I got Chris Young Music videos collection. I think he is my new celebrity crush

Any advice for your previous boss?

You are the best, probably ever

Tell me something about your last job, other than money, that would have inspired you to keep working there.

Meeting new people on almost every assignment

What is the funniest thing that has happened to you recently?

A month ago, I would have sworn that I am in a love, today, I think I was just being stupid

What do you want to be when you grow up?

A brand Manager / Own a Brand Management firm

Which two organizations outside your own do you know the most people at and why? (

Coca-Cola and EABL (marketing)

How would you rate your memory?

I don’t recall what happened most recent, but I can say word for word what happened 10 years ago… I think balanced is the answer

 

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Taking Stock

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There was a time I would only read blog posts from the bloggers who did taking stock posts. Today , decided to do it since am reviewing my last quarter goals. I would like to finish well so it is good to look at what I had planned vs what I have achieved and the ground for the next 4 months. Here we go ……

Making: Decisions. Decisions and more critical decisions

Cooking:   Everything I love. Realized I have done a lot of greasy and wheat in the last   month. I     need to slow down and cut down on heavy dinner

Drinking: Lemon tea and lots of water. I have started warming up to coffee

Reading: A borrowed copy of Trevor Noah’s Born a crime. I really need to up my reading game

Wanting: More heels, good company and good food.

Looking forward to : Moving houses. I just think I need a new space

Playing: Usher’s Good Kisser

Wasting: Time on social media.  Taking a break in August

Sewing: Nothing. I loved sewing in high school and it’s definitely something I will take up in 2019.

Wishing: I could have a resident hugg and cuddle . Just discovered hugging lessens chances of me sucking on my thumb when I feel “defeated”.

Waiting: On a miracle sign. 39 more days

Enjoying: Making new friends. In a long time, am warming up to new company

Liking:Funny enough, the new extra weight. Except for the back, I would have loved to keep the rest

Loving:  My new haircut. The joy of not having the scalp pulled is insurmountable

Hoping : That Whatever I am working on goes through successfully

Marveling : The strides I have made emotionally. I don’t believe it ,

Needing :  To get more time for stadium

Smelling : My scent

Wearing : Black dress , black blazer and white shoes

Following: EPL is baaaaccckkkk

Noticing : I have been serving so much raw truths in the recent past. Not sure if its all hits or there have been a miss

Knowing: Everything happens for a reason

Thinking: About me. Taking care of others without losing me

Feeling : Happy. It is my prayer that I will always be happy

Bookmarking : Nothing right now

Opening : Various excel sheets

Giggling : Is this how it feels to fall for someone? Lol! Not so pretty though. I think God should just make him shoot this one shot

Quick one: Does Nairobi CBD have a good not so high end nice steak place? Help a sister out

Bad Neighborhood Between The Ears

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We are born, and the first thing we do is cry. There are many explanations as to why babies cry but for the sake of this piece, I think its like a premonition of the life ahead. The growing up bit. It is the uncertainty of what lays ahead. Many may think bad experiences are the worst thing as you grow up but I think not. It is the MIND. The more you grow; you allow so many things into the mind. Others are just shoved and while the remainder is just the ability of the mind to recognize and harbor stuff. To quote Chester Bennington in one of his interviews, “this place in between my ears, is a bad neighborhood. I can’t be here by myself.” He continues and says that, “when am in it, I just wanna get out.”

This is very familiar to many of us, to me. It does not have to be suicidal but there are so many thoughts that I elevate. The saddest part is that for everything I have kept on thinking for a long time, I cannot stop thinking about it right now. When you are out, meeting people, working or at school, everything is so fine. It is like things stop and you are in the moment. I remember reading the Saturday Monthly pull out, Superstrikers, and when Makena was in the Zone, he was a magician in the pitch. The same zone is highlighted by Ronaldinho in his players Tribune article, a Letter to my younger self. In the zone, you feel liberation, power, support and ability to do much more than you can imagine. In the zone, you are so happy and successful. The zone exists in life too. When you are in it, the bad neighborhood between your ears does not exist. You are just you doing your thing.

However, the zone is not eternal. For some, its ends because it has lived its time. For others, something or someone triggers you into reality. When my zone outlives its course, I think I am usually prepared for the next course. It might hit me hard but I always manage with mostly withdrawing from public, lots of worship music and literary talking to God throughout the day. In a PSV, at work, along the streets, just everywhere. I don’t stop. I don’t lament at all but I keep on reminding him how great he is and how grateful I am for everything he has done for me. I also keep on submitting. I don’t fight. I let him take the wheel. There are instances though when the zone has been cut short by someone or a situation. These are the moments I just can’t stop crying. If it’s an event, I most likely will avoid it or the rest of my life ( that’s why I stopped watching Single Ladies. I got news of losing some people very close to me when I was watching season 1 & 2 respectively). If it is somebody, I would rather have us talk about it which will include lots of tears. If not, in a few minutes, I will have cut contacts forever and if we ever talked again, things WILL never be the same again (I lost a friend because I knew she was pregnant without her telling me  and treated her special. She got so mad. I still laugh over this). I sometimes look back at the various situations and I cant say the number of times I have asked God t give me a deeper understanding of such. I still do and pray that one day, I will get it.

Times out of the zone come with so many things that if not careful, you might push a little too hard that it will hurt. There is mood swings, loss/increase of appetite, shopping sprees, extended hours of sleep and total withdrawal from public. That is fine. I think mother monster is Insomnia. That thing is the biggest, saddest BITCH ever. You close your eyes but the mind is working overtime. You think everything you don’t want to. Somehow, the mind will only stop when you start thinking of the way out. It kind of calms down. It is usually the shortest way out that works magic. Always, I have NEVER let me think about death. The experience at different morgues has taught me that death is not pretty. My own life experience with death has taught me that it is never a choice out. I have learned to think about sports bikes and houses by the beach. The thought of traversing Africa on an off-road bike for months then coming home to a house with gigantic windows by the beach. It is  a dream that keeps me sane and alive. It awakens the the desire in me to go out and be a better version of myself.

I know this may sound petty to some people but listening is very good. Whenever you meet someone, listen more, and then do it a bit more. Ask questions why they make some statements, show interest and they will be receptive to open up. We (am not exempted) make judgments about people yet if we listened a bit more, we would have treated them differently. We would have understood them, we would have helped them. I tell my friends that I live for good hugs and cuddles. I know for a fact that if someone trusts you in their space, they don’t have to be good at hugging or best at cuddling, it just comes naturally. You can feel their soul into it.

This is to everyone out there with the bad neighborhood, find something that will always give you a reason to submit and look forward to tomorrow. I found God and the bikes.

 

Confession II

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PEXELS

Few years back when I hit the rock bottom of my emotions after what I ever thought would be my forever crumbled, I silently swore that the tiny little pieces I gathered would never be pieced together. This is for a very simple reason. I never wanted my heart whole again for one person to ever own it. So practically, I kind of spread the heart in the different parts of my mind. One that loves beard, the other that loves a muscled John Cena replica, the other that adores a good butt like Beckham’s , the other that is intrigued by the artistic work close to Bikozulu.com or a stupid one that would wish that whoever broke the heart in the very tiny pieces would just come back. Few other pieces at the back of my mind love a man who would buy a newspaper religiously like my dad did the other on the forehead with for PN’s height or a witty Jay. All other pieces have a life their own. But I think the biggest piece loves bear hugs and cuddles. The next biggest piece loves hearty laughter over a sumptuous meal. I have no idea what some pieces want. It is a battle and a learning curve.

Some pieces are so stubborn. They keep on looking for their perfect fit, from which they broke from. They somehow found each other. That’s trouble.

I don’t know what people think getting attached to someone is. I am still looking for the meaning too. I think I started looking for the meaning when I met someone three or almost four years back. Here is a snippet. I know he will see this and will know who he is but I will call him BB.

BB and I met through a friend. It was those people I had NEVER heard of until we were introduced. We did hit off instantly and he was everything I thought I would never be attracted to. Very arrogant, too young considering my previous taste, he loves life on the fast lane and those who would not commit. I was hooked. It was intoxicating that the more differences I learned, the more it drew me in. BB is not the kind of man to show weaknesses, emotions or care. I do not know if he did it on purpose for our “situationship” but thinking of it, it is like I run after him. I promise myself to stop but I cannot. With time, I got to know a few things about BB that I know were my magnet. He showed care, emotion and concern when I least expected it. He is a gentleman that I have used every of my strength to run from.

I think I brought down the walls that had guarded my heart. I remember one time I was so deep that I texted a friend just to let it off my chest. It was so hard bad that it hurt physically. I am glad I shared because it felt lighter but not that it ended. Too bad I am that woman who doesn’t believe in telling someone how I feel especially to someone I know partly what he is looking for. It might have been an undoing because sometimes I thought I would have given myself a chance just to know what he feels.

We still talk, but just like before, I started untangling the pieces that had found mutual co-existence and made me feel something. Love is beautiful. Eros love is very complicated. This is dedicated to BB:

“A year after knowing you, I fell in love with you. It was gradual but eureka moment came. I was afraid to say it because I thought it would never have worked. One day you were so tender and the next miles away. That uncertainty was scary. I still have you around though. To talk to once in a while. I am glad of the man you have grown into. The exact man, maybe I would have loved to have for myself a few years back. Which to some extend would have been a disaster because I was looking for an escape not for love. I was looking for familiarity not company and maybe for comfort not a partner. I am not writing this to have you change your mind on anything. Definitely no. I have written to you so many pieces, I think I sent you one sometimes back. I am deleting the rest of the drafts because I know I need to free myself. This is my way of getting final closure. I am so blessed to have as a friend and you will always be a friend I will love never to lose. I will never deny that I fell in love with you and I have learned to love with getting you to reciprocate. I wont deny that I learned to let you go because I have known that love if not a fantasy “

To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything‘ -Bill Russell

I want what Rusell said.

Permission

I think that there is a time in your life when your conscience just opens up to reality. That time when you can no longer hide behind the lot of work and pain. When you can no longer lie that you are too busy taking care of others that you have no time for yourself, that time will come, sooner or later. Mine came, at first I did not know how to do me, then I started feeling so good and went deeper, then this year , it opened me to a lot of realities. I still do not know if I can handle more of the realities but I dove in, and am going to swim all the way. It is very scary and I think I have been reduced to a punching bag by life. I wake up with a sprint and in just a second, another one hits me so hard that at times I am so scared that I will never be able to stand again, there are days I actually thought I was running out of breath and might not be able to survive a few more hours.

I have maintained my long term goals; because that is the only way I can keep sane. That sense of a bigger picture that outweighs the little current moments. There will be days you will see things crumble before your eyes, a very hopeless moment. Many at times this year, I had no strength to pray. I would just whisper, “Jesus, I need you, take the wheel” and tuck in bed. No tears by the way, just a defeated soul. I would be so weary to sleep, so hurt to talk to some people, so misused to even feel bad. I want an escape but I have no strength to run anymore. I will just stick around and allow myself experience this.

I always made lemonade out the lemons, but I discovered that lemons are actually some of my favorite fruits. I eat them more often than any other fruit. I even nibble on the rind. It is not new. Through that, it finally dawned on me that maybe some of us even do not know how to make lemonade, so why just not eat the fruit, and if so many, just sell and make lots of profit.

Letting live a little more comes with ups too. There are limits you push yourself to that you will always be amazed of how you made it. You will be so shocked of the potential you sat on for a very long time. That is the part that keeps me going. 36 hours straight of work, school, travel, family and threw in 3 hours of a very important date/meeting. That was one of those moments that when I hit the bed, I just wanna curl up and sleep in the joy of the little achievements. Days that I have done what I know I should have done few years back. Reality of walking away calmly without struggle and pain. Every time I do this, I am so proud of myself. Every time, it isn’t easy and every time it costs a little extra. There is no traffic on the extra mile, but it isn’t as easy to navigate as the normal. I don’t know if we all get the eureka moments at some age but I think mine came at 27. I kind of got this permission from myself to live a little. To be free, to push, to make more decisions, to allow myself be human. I no longer fear trying what I think may come with disappointments. I don’t hold back what I think should be said or done. I don’t hold back a little emotion. I am opening up to more learning including music. I am accepting that there are things in life that I have to give up, embrace or adopt. I am pushing out of the comfort zone slowly but surely. I am giving myself permission to say No and Yes where applicable. I am not beating myself down when I don’t get what I want, the same way I am taking failures and lessons and springboards for better tomorrow.

This is a new chapter that somehow I am grateful that I am not walking alone. I am walking with hope, faith, self-confidence, strength, ambition, emotions, resilience and above all God. It is a journey that I try accept and embrace the fact that I will lean and rely on people. I will allow myself to experience it all. It may be hard for a few of those close to me but I hope this will still keep them close. I just wanna be a girl, and live a little.

21 Random Q&A

Inspired by @21QuestionsKE on Twitter, I decided to do a little bit of my own version. All answers are nothing but the truth 😉 😉

  1. What do you hope you grow out of?

Mixing my food e.g I mush Ugali and Veggies

  1. What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do on a regular basis?

Healthy? I drink lots of water

Unhealthy? I am addicted to chapati

  1. When looking for a significant other, what three things are most important (besides looks)?

Spiritual ( religion), Intelligence and cleanliness

  1. How much do you judge a person by their appearance?

Appearance matters very little

  1. What is the most embarrassing thing you own?

Some cloth ( I cannot be specific 😜 😜 )

  1. What is the strangest habit you have?

I sometimes just curl on the couch and suck on my thumb when I run out of options

  1. What movie made you cry the most?

I cry while watching almost every movie. War Room in the recent past ( I prayed a lot too through it )

  1. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood?

Every escapade with my cousins especially looking for mangoes, fetching firewood and water

  1. What was the worst date that you’ve ever been on?

In 2013. I broke a few things when I hit the table

  1. What’s your favorite vacation memory from when you were a child?

At my maternal grandma’s place

  1. What belief do you have that most people disagree with?

That God will give you what you ask for in a partner, sometimes 100%

  1. What impression do you try to give when you first meet someone?

Easy and talkative

  1. Who or what inspires you to be a better person?

God. I am assured of his love. And my dreams, because I believe in them

  1. What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship?

I fell in love, with every air I did breathe

  1. If you found out your current life has been just a dream, would you choose to wake up? (You don’t know if your real life would be better or worse.)

Nope. I have had quite good lessons

  1. What dumb thing did you believe for a really long time?

That I could have 7 biological children

  1. What are some things you would you like to achieve before you die?

Inspire someone to be better and a two month straight vacation to different places

  1. Where would you like to retire?

Kenya

  1. What brings you the most joy in life?

When those I care about are happy

  1. What is the best and worst part of your personality?

Best -I care too much

Worst – I rarely give 2nd chances

  1. How would your perfect partner treat you?

With absolute honesty

Life Lessons

When I was growing up, especially in my late teens and the first three years into twenties, there is so much that I told myself I would do different from my mother and many other older women I had interacted with. I told myself that I needed to be this person who will awaken the next generation of these versatile women who were positively resilient, go-getters, goal setters and independent. See, this was probably just when I was getting into media and had really not interacted with many women from different backgrounds and professions. All I carried and still carry is this insatiable hunger to be different, to stand out, to inspire generations especially the girl child. To make men appreciate and respect women. To be different.  Then I started meeting different women, I read about some more, I was narrated to stories of exceptional women. Then I realized that maybe I thought a difference was what everyone felt and saw. I was wrong. I did not need to be applauded to know that I was what I wanted to be. I refused to be defined by the societal norms. I refused to be defined by my past or be measured by my social circles or be intimidated by my sex. I refused. A rebel was born.

Each day, I realize that I am more like maybe more of the things I hated in those women. I hated the extra effort that my mother used to put in at work where she had a very little, almost no appreciation. But she kept on doing it. For the 31 years she has been a teacher, she has always been known to be hard worker, result oriented, disciplinarian, clean, and organized and basically, a teacher some head teachers have clashed when each wanted her on their staff.  Parents have transferred their children to the schools she has transferred to. I never got it. For a long time, I HATED the way she was used to work so hard yet it seemed in turn never got return on her investment. However, every time I visit her at school in the recent past, I am always amazed at how her pupils, parents and even former pupils treat her. Even the bullies bend before her. She is not big bodied, she rarely beats them but they respect her. You ask them why and they say that she is the best teacher and friend they have ever had. Even when she struggled with finances, she ensured that they sat their exams when they could not pay. See, I am not Mother Teresa or anything close to my mother, but I find myself working extra. Not because I will always be looking at having something extra on my work score or CV, but because I do not want to be associated with defeat. I don’t want to fail myself.  No one cares that much if the system fails, because someone else can do what you do. Also, no one cares if you fail. It is only you who knows your strategic plan. I know what I want, in the short and long term. I work my ass off just to see it materialize. And trust me, success is good. Very good.

Another thing that I prayed to God id that to enable me get my family “in good time”, bless it with unity that there will be no divorce and keep away the spirit of death. Maybe I just never said it loudly but I had my reservations about single parents, whether by choice, circumstances or widowed. Sometimes I used to think maybe if my mother remarried or my dad was alive, life would have been much better. I always wondered why someone would walk out of a marriage, or someone would choose not to ever want to get married, or refuse to remarry. I just did not get it. But the older I get, I don’t think there is a time I treat these women with more respect than the next day. I sometimes just think of those that I know and I feel so remorseful that it took me so long to appreciate their choices. I still pray to God to let my children have their mum and dad living together amicably but I think everyone should look beyond the “single parent” tag and appreciate the amazing work the parents have done. The kids have turned not just fine but awesome. No one wants to play the double role but they do it so graciously that you would wonder where the extra energy comes from. Seeing a dad take his daughter to the salon, discussing the brands of sanitary towels along the supermarket aisles, the mothers nursing their sons after circumcision or teaching them how to put on boxers ( yes, it is not automatic like panties), it is amazing. The parents who take the double role to ensure quality education.

My mother turned 53 years today. I texted her in the morning and I was emotional as I wrote that message, more than any other year. Maybe for the longest time, I saw it normal for her to take care of my siblings and I because after all, she is our mother. I am so glad that every day, I see a bigger picture. I am glad that I picked some of those traits from her (Even telling my siblings to carry sweaters on a hot January afternoon). I am the strong woman majorly because of her. I am so proud to be called her daughter.

Happy birthday Love of my life , Mummy dearest !