Taking Stock

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There was a time I would only read blog posts from the bloggers who did taking stock posts. Today , decided to do it since am reviewing my last quarter goals. I would like to finish well so it is good to look at what I had planned vs what I have achieved and the ground for the next 4 months. Here we go ……

Making: Decisions. Decisions and more critical decisions

Cooking:   Everything I love. Realized I have done a lot of greasy and wheat in the last   month. I     need to slow down and cut down on heavy dinner

Drinking: Lemon tea and lots of water. I have started warming up to coffee

Reading: A borrowed copy of Trevor Noah’s Born a crime. I really need to up my reading game

Wanting: More heels, good company and good food.

Looking forward to : Moving houses. I just think I need a new space

Playing: Usher’s Good Kisser

Wasting: Time on social media.  Taking a break in August

Sewing: Nothing. I loved sewing in high school and it’s definitely something I will take up in 2019.

Wishing: I could have a resident hugg and cuddle . Just discovered hugging lessens chances of me sucking on my thumb when I feel “defeated”.

Waiting: On a miracle sign. 39 more days

Enjoying: Making new friends. In a long time, am warming up to new company

Liking:Funny enough, the new extra weight. Except for the back, I would have loved to keep the rest

Loving:  My new haircut. The joy of not having the scalp pulled is insurmountable

Hoping : That Whatever I am working on goes through successfully

Marveling : The strides I have made emotionally. I don’t believe it ,

Needing :  To get more time for stadium

Smelling : My scent

Wearing : Black dress , black blazer and white shoes

Following: EPL is baaaaccckkkk

Noticing : I have been serving so much raw truths in the recent past. Not sure if its all hits or there have been a miss

Knowing: Everything happens for a reason

Thinking: About me. Taking care of others without losing me

Feeling : Happy. It is my prayer that I will always be happy

Bookmarking : Nothing right now

Opening : Various excel sheets

Giggling : Is this how it feels to fall for someone? Lol! Not so pretty though. I think God should just make him shoot this one shot

Quick one: Does Nairobi CBD have a good not so high end nice steak place? Help a sister out

Bad Neighborhood Between The Ears

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We are born, and the first thing we do is cry. There are many explanations as to why babies cry but for the sake of this piece, I think its like a premonition of the life ahead. The growing up bit. It is the uncertainty of what lays ahead. Many may think bad experiences are the worst thing as you grow up but I think not. It is the MIND. The more you grow; you allow so many things into the mind. Others are just shoved and while the remainder is just the ability of the mind to recognize and harbor stuff. To quote Chester Bennington in one of his interviews, “this place in between my ears, is a bad neighborhood. I can’t be here by myself.” He continues and says that, “when am in it, I just wanna get out.”

This is very familiar to many of us, to me. It does not have to be suicidal but there are so many thoughts that I elevate. The saddest part is that for everything I have kept on thinking for a long time, I cannot stop thinking about it right now. When you are out, meeting people, working or at school, everything is so fine. It is like things stop and you are in the moment. I remember reading the Saturday Monthly pull out, Superstrikers, and when Makena was in the Zone, he was a magician in the pitch. The same zone is highlighted by Ronaldinho in his players Tribune article, a Letter to my younger self. In the zone, you feel liberation, power, support and ability to do much more than you can imagine. In the zone, you are so happy and successful. The zone exists in life too. When you are in it, the bad neighborhood between your ears does not exist. You are just you doing your thing.

However, the zone is not eternal. For some, its ends because it has lived its time. For others, something or someone triggers you into reality. When my zone outlives its course, I think I am usually prepared for the next course. It might hit me hard but I always manage with mostly withdrawing from public, lots of worship music and literary talking to God throughout the day. In a PSV, at work, along the streets, just everywhere. I don’t stop. I don’t lament at all but I keep on reminding him how great he is and how grateful I am for everything he has done for me. I also keep on submitting. I don’t fight. I let him take the wheel. There are instances though when the zone has been cut short by someone or a situation. These are the moments I just can’t stop crying. If it’s an event, I most likely will avoid it or the rest of my life ( that’s why I stopped watching Single Ladies. I got news of losing some people very close to me when I was watching season 1 & 2 respectively). If it is somebody, I would rather have us talk about it which will include lots of tears. If not, in a few minutes, I will have cut contacts forever and if we ever talked again, things WILL never be the same again (I lost a friend because I knew she was pregnant without her telling me  and treated her special. She got so mad. I still laugh over this). I sometimes look back at the various situations and I cant say the number of times I have asked God t give me a deeper understanding of such. I still do and pray that one day, I will get it.

Times out of the zone come with so many things that if not careful, you might push a little too hard that it will hurt. There is mood swings, loss/increase of appetite, shopping sprees, extended hours of sleep and total withdrawal from public. That is fine. I think mother monster is Insomnia. That thing is the biggest, saddest BITCH ever. You close your eyes but the mind is working overtime. You think everything you don’t want to. Somehow, the mind will only stop when you start thinking of the way out. It kind of calms down. It is usually the shortest way out that works magic. Always, I have NEVER let me think about death. The experience at different morgues has taught me that death is not pretty. My own life experience with death has taught me that it is never a choice out. I have learned to think about sports bikes and houses by the beach. The thought of traversing Africa on an off-road bike for months then coming home to a house with gigantic windows by the beach. It is  a dream that keeps me sane and alive. It awakens the the desire in me to go out and be a better version of myself.

I know this may sound petty to some people but listening is very good. Whenever you meet someone, listen more, and then do it a bit more. Ask questions why they make some statements, show interest and they will be receptive to open up. We (am not exempted) make judgments about people yet if we listened a bit more, we would have treated them differently. We would have understood them, we would have helped them. I tell my friends that I live for good hugs and cuddles. I know for a fact that if someone trusts you in their space, they don’t have to be good at hugging or best at cuddling, it just comes naturally. You can feel their soul into it.

This is to everyone out there with the bad neighborhood, find something that will always give you a reason to submit and look forward to tomorrow. I found God and the bikes.