Confession II


Few years back when I hit the rock bottom of my emotions after what I ever thought would be my forever crumbled, I silently swore that the tiny little pieces I gathered would never be pieced together. This is for a very simple reason. I never wanted my heart whole again for one person to ever own it. So practically, I kind of spread the heart in the different parts of my mind. One that loves beard, the other that loves a muscled John Cena replica, the other that adores a good butt like Beckham’s , the other that is intrigued by the artistic work close to or a stupid one that would wish that whoever broke the heart in the very tiny pieces would just come back. Few other pieces at the back of my mind love a man who would buy a newspaper religiously like my dad did the other on the forehead with for PN’s height or a witty Jay. All other pieces have a life their own. But I think the biggest piece loves bear hugs and cuddles. The next biggest piece loves hearty laughter over a sumptuous meal. I have no idea what some pieces want. It is a battle and a learning curve.

Some pieces are so stubborn. They keep on looking for their perfect fit, from which they broke from. They somehow found each other. That’s trouble.

I don’t know what people think getting attached to someone is. I am still looking for the meaning too. I think I started looking for the meaning when I met someone three or almost four years back. Here is a snippet. I know he will see this and will know who he is but I will call him BB.

BB and I met through a friend. It was those people I had NEVER heard of until we were introduced. We did hit off instantly and he was everything I thought I would never be attracted to. Very arrogant, too young considering my previous taste, he loves life on the fast lane and those who would not commit. I was hooked. It was intoxicating that the more differences I learned, the more it drew me in. BB is not the kind of man to show weaknesses, emotions or care. I do not know if he did it on purpose for our “situationship” but thinking of it, it is like I run after him. I promise myself to stop but I cannot. With time, I got to know a few things about BB that I know were my magnet. He showed care, emotion and concern when I least expected it. He is a gentleman that I have used every of my strength to run from.

I think I brought down the walls that had guarded my heart. I remember one time I was so deep that I texted a friend just to let it off my chest. It was so hard bad that it hurt physically. I am glad I shared because it felt lighter but not that it ended. Too bad I am that woman who doesn’t believe in telling someone how I feel especially to someone I know partly what he is looking for. It might have been an undoing because sometimes I thought I would have given myself a chance just to know what he feels.

We still talk, but just like before, I started untangling the pieces that had found mutual co-existence and made me feel something. Love is beautiful. Eros love is very complicated. This is dedicated to BB:

“A year after knowing you, I fell in love with you. It was gradual but eureka moment came. I was afraid to say it because I thought it would never have worked. One day you were so tender and the next miles away. That uncertainty was scary. I still have you around though. To talk to once in a while. I am glad of the man you have grown into. The exact man, maybe I would have loved to have for myself a few years back. Which to some extend would have been a disaster because I was looking for an escape not for love. I was looking for familiarity not company and maybe for comfort not a partner. I am not writing this to have you change your mind on anything. Definitely no. I have written to you so many pieces, I think I sent you one sometimes back. I am deleting the rest of the drafts because I know I need to free myself. This is my way of getting final closure. I am so blessed to have as a friend and you will always be a friend I will love never to lose. I will never deny that I fell in love with you and I have learned to love with getting you to reciprocate. I wont deny that I learned to let you go because I have known that love if not a fantasy “

To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything‘ -Bill Russell

I want what Rusell said.


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