Permission

I think that there is a time in your life when your conscience just opens up to reality. That time when you can no longer hide behind the lot of work and pain. When you can no longer lie that you are too busy taking care of others that you have no time for yourself, that time will come, sooner or later. Mine came, at first I did not know how to do me, then I started feeling so good and went deeper, then this year , it opened me to a lot of realities. I still do not know if I can handle more of the realities but I dove in, and am going to swim all the way. It is very scary and I think I have been reduced to a punching bag by life. I wake up with a sprint and in just a second, another one hits me so hard that at times I am so scared that I will never be able to stand again, there are days I actually thought I was running out of breath and might not be able to survive a few more hours.

I have maintained my long term goals; because that is the only way I can keep sane. That sense of a bigger picture that outweighs the little current moments. There will be days you will see things crumble before your eyes, a very hopeless moment. Many at times this year, I had no strength to pray. I would just whisper, “Jesus, I need you, take the wheel” and tuck in bed. No tears by the way, just a defeated soul. I would be so weary to sleep, so hurt to talk to some people, so misused to even feel bad. I want an escape but I have no strength to run anymore. I will just stick around and allow myself experience this.

I always made lemonade out the lemons, but I discovered that lemons are actually some of my favorite fruits. I eat them more often than any other fruit. I even nibble on the rind. It is not new. Through that, it finally dawned on me that maybe some of us even do not know how to make lemonade, so why just not eat the fruit, and if so many, just sell and make lots of profit.

Letting live a little more comes with ups too. There are limits you push yourself to that you will always be amazed of how you made it. You will be so shocked of the potential you sat on for a very long time. That is the part that keeps me going. 36 hours straight of work, school, travel, family and threw in 3 hours of a very important date/meeting. That was one of those moments that when I hit the bed, I just wanna curl up and sleep in the joy of the little achievements. Days that I have done what I know I should have done few years back. Reality of walking away calmly without struggle and pain. Every time I do this, I am so proud of myself. Every time, it isn’t easy and every time it costs a little extra. There is no traffic on the extra mile, but it isn’t as easy to navigate as the normal. I don’t know if we all get the eureka moments at some age but I think mine came at 27. I kind of got this permission from myself to live a little. To be free, to push, to make more decisions, to allow myself be human. I no longer fear trying what I think may come with disappointments. I don’t hold back what I think should be said or done. I don’t hold back a little emotion. I am opening up to more learning including music. I am accepting that there are things in life that I have to give up, embrace or adopt. I am pushing out of the comfort zone slowly but surely. I am giving myself permission to say No and Yes where applicable. I am not beating myself down when I don’t get what I want, the same way I am taking failures and lessons and springboards for better tomorrow.

This is a new chapter that somehow I am grateful that I am not walking alone. I am walking with hope, faith, self-confidence, strength, ambition, emotions, resilience and above all God. It is a journey that I try accept and embrace the fact that I will lean and rely on people. I will allow myself to experience it all. It may be hard for a few of those close to me but I hope this will still keep them close. I just wanna be a girl, and live a little.

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