Confession II

1
PEXELS

Few years back when I hit the rock bottom of my emotions after what I ever thought would be my forever crumbled, I silently swore that the tiny little pieces I gathered would never be pieced together. This is for a very simple reason. I never wanted my heart whole again for one person to ever own it. So practically, I kind of spread the heart in the different parts of my mind. One that loves beard, the other that loves a muscled John Cena replica, the other that adores a good butt like Beckham’s , the other that is intrigued by the artistic work close to Bikozulu.com or a stupid one that would wish that whoever broke the heart in the very tiny pieces would just come back. Few other pieces at the back of my mind love a man who would buy a newspaper religiously like my dad did the other on the forehead with for PN’s height or a witty Jay. All other pieces have a life their own. But I think the biggest piece loves bear hugs and cuddles. The next biggest piece loves hearty laughter over a sumptuous meal. I have no idea what some pieces want. It is a battle and a learning curve.

Some pieces are so stubborn. They keep on looking for their perfect fit, from which they broke from. They somehow found each other. That’s trouble.

I don’t know what people think getting attached to someone is. I am still looking for the meaning too. I think I started looking for the meaning when I met someone three or almost four years back. Here is a snippet. I know he will see this and will know who he is but I will call him BB.

BB and I met through a friend. It was those people I had NEVER heard of until we were introduced. We did hit off instantly and he was everything I thought I would never be attracted to. Very arrogant, too young considering my previous taste, he loves life on the fast lane and those who would not commit. I was hooked. It was intoxicating that the more differences I learned, the more it drew me in. BB is not the kind of man to show weaknesses, emotions or care. I do not know if he did it on purpose for our “situationship” but thinking of it, it is like I run after him. I promise myself to stop but I cannot. With time, I got to know a few things about BB that I know were my magnet. He showed care, emotion and concern when I least expected it. He is a gentleman that I have used every of my strength to run from.

I think I brought down the walls that had guarded my heart. I remember one time I was so deep that I texted a friend just to let it off my chest. It was so hard bad that it hurt physically. I am glad I shared because it felt lighter but not that it ended. Too bad I am that woman who doesn’t believe in telling someone how I feel especially to someone I know partly what he is looking for. It might have been an undoing because sometimes I thought I would have given myself a chance just to know what he feels.

We still talk, but just like before, I started untangling the pieces that had found mutual co-existence and made me feel something. Love is beautiful. Eros love is very complicated. This is dedicated to BB:

“A year after knowing you, I fell in love with you. It was gradual but eureka moment came. I was afraid to say it because I thought it would never have worked. One day you were so tender and the next miles away. That uncertainty was scary. I still have you around though. To talk to once in a while. I am glad of the man you have grown into. The exact man, maybe I would have loved to have for myself a few years back. Which to some extend would have been a disaster because I was looking for an escape not for love. I was looking for familiarity not company and maybe for comfort not a partner. I am not writing this to have you change your mind on anything. Definitely no. I have written to you so many pieces, I think I sent you one sometimes back. I am deleting the rest of the drafts because I know I need to free myself. This is my way of getting final closure. I am so blessed to have as a friend and you will always be a friend I will love never to lose. I will never deny that I fell in love with you and I have learned to love with getting you to reciprocate. I wont deny that I learned to let you go because I have known that love if not a fantasy “

To love someone is nothing, to be loved by someone is something, but to be loved by the one you love is everything‘ -Bill Russell

I want what Rusell said.

Permission

I think that there is a time in your life when your conscience just opens up to reality. That time when you can no longer hide behind the lot of work and pain. When you can no longer lie that you are too busy taking care of others that you have no time for yourself, that time will come, sooner or later. Mine came, at first I did not know how to do me, then I started feeling so good and went deeper, then this year , it opened me to a lot of realities. I still do not know if I can handle more of the realities but I dove in, and am going to swim all the way. It is very scary and I think I have been reduced to a punching bag by life. I wake up with a sprint and in just a second, another one hits me so hard that at times I am so scared that I will never be able to stand again, there are days I actually thought I was running out of breath and might not be able to survive a few more hours.

I have maintained my long term goals; because that is the only way I can keep sane. That sense of a bigger picture that outweighs the little current moments. There will be days you will see things crumble before your eyes, a very hopeless moment. Many at times this year, I had no strength to pray. I would just whisper, “Jesus, I need you, take the wheel” and tuck in bed. No tears by the way, just a defeated soul. I would be so weary to sleep, so hurt to talk to some people, so misused to even feel bad. I want an escape but I have no strength to run anymore. I will just stick around and allow myself experience this.

I always made lemonade out the lemons, but I discovered that lemons are actually some of my favorite fruits. I eat them more often than any other fruit. I even nibble on the rind. It is not new. Through that, it finally dawned on me that maybe some of us even do not know how to make lemonade, so why just not eat the fruit, and if so many, just sell and make lots of profit.

Letting live a little more comes with ups too. There are limits you push yourself to that you will always be amazed of how you made it. You will be so shocked of the potential you sat on for a very long time. That is the part that keeps me going. 36 hours straight of work, school, travel, family and threw in 3 hours of a very important date/meeting. That was one of those moments that when I hit the bed, I just wanna curl up and sleep in the joy of the little achievements. Days that I have done what I know I should have done few years back. Reality of walking away calmly without struggle and pain. Every time I do this, I am so proud of myself. Every time, it isn’t easy and every time it costs a little extra. There is no traffic on the extra mile, but it isn’t as easy to navigate as the normal. I don’t know if we all get the eureka moments at some age but I think mine came at 27. I kind of got this permission from myself to live a little. To be free, to push, to make more decisions, to allow myself be human. I no longer fear trying what I think may come with disappointments. I don’t hold back what I think should be said or done. I don’t hold back a little emotion. I am opening up to more learning including music. I am accepting that there are things in life that I have to give up, embrace or adopt. I am pushing out of the comfort zone slowly but surely. I am giving myself permission to say No and Yes where applicable. I am not beating myself down when I don’t get what I want, the same way I am taking failures and lessons and springboards for better tomorrow.

This is a new chapter that somehow I am grateful that I am not walking alone. I am walking with hope, faith, self-confidence, strength, ambition, emotions, resilience and above all God. It is a journey that I try accept and embrace the fact that I will lean and rely on people. I will allow myself to experience it all. It may be hard for a few of those close to me but I hope this will still keep them close. I just wanna be a girl, and live a little.