26: Retrospect

How beautiful it is to love yourself without inhibitions. To recognize the season you’re in, adjusting your sails- thriving in and out of season. Trusting that God has placed in you a beautiful tapestry of his Grace, interwoven with the lessons life keeps teaching you. Taking it all in stride, inhaling, exhaling…still here, and still breathing. Understanding your worth, not needing anyone’s approval to step into the light accorded to you. How humbling it is to think that the Creator of the Universe believes in your ability to influence your space. You are not insignificant. You are chosen. Get up. Take your place. Shine your light. Water your petals. Have faith enough to know that one day it will all make sense. You will blossom in every way that you ought to, and in every space that you desire to.”Kambua

When I read that, I felt something like liberation rise in me. I felt loved, I felt free. I don’t know why a simple post can sometimes awaken the fire that for a long time burned like still embers of the dying fire. It got me thinking about the things I have feared for yet they are very insignificant. The things that don’t matter at all. God made me, he knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb, so why do I keep on making myself inadequate? Why do I limit myself?

Personally

I guess it happens to men too but its more profound in ladies. The insecurities we have with our bodies. There are so many things that we have wished we could change. Yes we should worry about the bad fats, the peeling skin or the brittle hair. But you cannot change how God wanted you to be. Urefu na Ufupi, ni maumbile lakini utambi na mimba ni jitahada zako mwenyewe.

“I will praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are your works, And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14

Emotionally

This may come as a surprise to those close to me and a bit controversial to those we have known each other casually. I have two extremes. I get attached very easily and at the same time I am very unavailable. This is funny, even to me and always confusing .

Firstly, on getting attached easily, it a weakness. Mostly comes with people who at a moment of vulnerability, take charge and take care of me. That I can’t help. I am a madam “do it myself” guru. However, we all need someone; or some people. In some instances, we have had to ask for help and its okay. I have begged for help and I know its okay because I needed it. But there are days when help has come when I least expected it . It has come from the people I least I expected of . Those days, I have just sat back and let someone else take the lead. Those are the people I have lived to automatically qualify them in my “treasured” friends. They have reminded me of the human me. Those people have made have a moment to let people take care of me. They have been so scarce in my life but I am grateful that God has sent the selected few my way. As for the emotional unavailability, I think it’s because I attach deep with no reservations. That’s why I try to avoid the attachment. I think I am not unavailable but I strive not to be unavailable. Nothing prepares you for the pain of a betrayed loyalty and connection. Be it from family, friends or who you think is the love of your life. I may not wholly control the circumstances but I try to .

Love

It is a beautiful thing

Romans 12:9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

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