Madam Stoolie

I’m sick and tired of hearing all about my life
From other bitches with all of your lies
Wrapped up so tight, so maybe you should shut your mouth, shut your mouth
Shut your fucking mouth

-Kesha Rose Sebert

One sunny morning, I cannot really  remember if it was sunny but I want to assume it was sunny. I am certain though it is the day I met you and knew that you were special. I knew we had unsaid connection that would grow into a bond that would last forever. Though we had bumped into each other over few years, that day was different. You easily opened up about you. I had never had such intense conversation with you and that definitely got me hooked. You are not only a good listener but also very candid with your pieces of advise. I liked that.

I hold back a lot and would take ages for me to open up but things were different with you. It took a very short period of time for me to trust with you with a lot. It was vice versa so there was no cause of alarm. Everyday I promised myself that I would speak less of me but you gave me every reason to want to tell you more just as you did. I fell in love with what we had,  I believed you more and more. I became comfortable and careless with what I thought only belonged to the selected few. I thought that was the best thing that had happened to me in the recent past. I made my biggest mistake yet, I trusted you .

One day, I stay up late at the office . I am going through whatsapp and your friend who has only a “hi “ kind of relationship with me asks me a very private question. I am taken aback. I know only three people know about it. Me, you and God. I stop, my world stops, it spins. I sit down and for almost an hour, I am repeatedly saying “OMG”. The security guard is concerned and when he cant take in anymore, he asks what the matter is. I come back to reality and realize that I am actually crying. I feel the pain in my chest. I am suddenly craving sugar and I feel like talking to no one. The two years I have known you seem eternity and right now am not sure I know you any more. On my way home, I reread the message over and over again. I am tempted to call you but something, that I appreciate now stops me.

Two days later, I have been able to recollect myself and get more details of the much you have shared. I simply cannot get myself to even look at you. I hear your voice and suddenly I am suffocating. You are in my space so I cannot avoid you. You make me pain in a way I thought I could not over betrayed loyalty. You killed part of me. The trust being.  I reminiscence all that we have shared and just how much the your secretes meant to me. How I always avoided talking about you with my friends lest I end up saying something I should not. I loved you like a big sister I don’t have. I trusted you like I trust my optician and gynae ( They are like my foster parents 😉 😉). But here, I was so broken that at times, the bile in mouth was so real. I was so hurt that to date, I cannot bring myself to ask you why you did it. And that is almost a year later.Maybe you had your reasons. But looking back, I should have seen the signs. All the tale-a-tell signs were there. When you said somethings about some of your friends that I thought were too deep to share. I should have known. I ought to have known that it is who you are. With a straight face and deep gaze as you told on your friends, you would tell on me.

I have had some of my very important friendships betrayed and I think yours is among those top of my list. Maybe I thought age comes with a bit of sworn allegiance, but I was very wrong. I thought it comes with defending sisterhood. I thought friendships at some age means defending what you share and keeping promises. I thought friendship comes with responsibility.

One day, when I can no longer feel the pain when I see you. When I stop seeing malice written all over your face, when I stop hating the biggest betrayer in you. That day when I stop smelling sinister motive like your body spray, when I see more to the fake smile, when I read in between the lines and lines of lies you share. That day when I finally know that you know what responsibility friendship carries, I will then tell you how much you meant to me love. I will tell you what pain you caused what I thought was sisterhood. I will tell you to tell your kids that it is best to respect friendships.

Until then, I see you, I feel pain. I see you and feel disgusted. I see you and wish you would have sieved what to share. I regret knowing you because the cost that came with our friendship was and is still too much to bear.

Regards,

Dee

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