My Dearest Daughter

Dear Daughter,

You may never know how hard it has been for me to write to you. Maybe when you become old like me now, you will understand. Maybe you will not. That is okay. Maybe you will understand my fears when you become a mom or maybe you will get it way young when you mature at tender age or make a bad decision. There is a chance that you will be someone who will live to laugh at my fears. I do not know. Right now, I don’t know. I just want you to know that I am scared for you. I am really. I am a woman but I am really scared to have, raise you and see you turn out into a blessed and successful young woman.

You see, when you are born as a woman, it is like a mission you have been sent on; to accomplish a herculean task. You will be a woman, the vessel that ensures continuity in the generations to come. It is not that easy my girl. At day one, your dad will look at you and tear up because after his mom, finally, he got another true love. It works that way in most cases. A stereotype that somehow many confess to. He will look at you and see the “thing” he needs to protect always. He will in turn, but never says it loud, expect you be the daughter he wants. Maybe your dad grew up screwing anything with boobs but you know what, he will not even imagine that there will be another man who will do the same to you. He will imagine walking you down the aisle a virgin. As your mom, I will not be any different. I will not want any man take advantage of you before “the one”. I will pray and fast for you, to make mama proud. But you know what, we will not know but you will.

When you start school, your parents and the society will expect you to excel. Good grades, nothing less. When this happens, we will always want to argue if you took after mom or dad. Here, even your grandparents will claim that you took after them. Funny huh? You will get all the advantages that come with “good brains”. But if this won’t happen, we will dig so much to know what talent you have. We will explore the options and ensure that still, our lil girl shines. We will cheer you on. Even if you act in a soap opera, I will ensure that I forgo a world cup final match to watch you. That is what mothers are for.  If you fail at both, maybe your dad and I will constantly fight over who you took after. I don’t know what will happen here, but just know mothers will stick no matter what. I will be there, always.

When you become an adolescent and all the curves are showing, I will start a lot of the “uncomfortable” talk. We will talk about puberty and sex. The curfew will still be very strict. I will watch you very closely like mother hen (That is what my mama calls herself). I will pray that you go through it unscathed. It will always be scary to watch you have a boyfriend. However one thing I assure you is that I will be there to teach, correct and punish you but I will not make decisions for you. You will make choices. My daughter always remember that choices have consequences.

Then will come college like, the semi-independent life. You will be away, mostly on your own. You will meet men and women, boys and girls. Here, you will see the rich and the poor, the bookworms and the don’t care. Here you will learn what it means to be an adult. I don’t know what you will choose. However for me, Church was a savior. There are things I did not do just because I was in church. It was not okay that I did not do them because of what was being taught at church but again, if being in the Christian union helped me evade a lot of bad things, it is a choice. Some students partied Monday to Monday and turned our more successful, some even got jobs while in school. Some went to Church with me and ended up so bad that the church had to take the shame. Whatever you choose, even away from church and partying, make is something that will always make you a better choice

Then will come the love life. If you stick with your high school sweet heart, good for you. If you meet a good man in college, it is okay. If it’s at work, or later in life, still it is love. But I cannot guarantee that you will not be heart broken. If it happens, allow yourself to grieve over it but don’t allow it to take you down the drain. Some people are meant to only come into your life to teach you a lesson. Dust up and rise always. I know this may sound weird but there are moments you will take the initiative to go for love. Some doors cannot be knocked gently, kick it, walk in and introduce yourself. No harm.

Then one day, you might sit somewhere like me now. You will be so scared. You will question as to whether you will be a good mom to your daughter. Whether your daughter will turn out good. Whether your husband will always appreciate of the great mother you are. Or maybe, if you will be okay being a single mom after a douchebag leaves you after getting pregnant or maybe, you will make a choice to be one. You will see a rape story and you will be scared. You will look at your past and maybe cringe. You will walk out of you marriage with your girl. Either way, you will question if you are being a good role model to your girl.

Maybe you will reread this while on vacation. You will raise your head to watch your precious girl play maybe with shore sand. You will stare at the little happy soul and forget everyone else. You will be happy of how she is turning out to be. You will sigh, turn off your gadget and join her. You will be at peace because deep down, it doesn’t matter what the society says but what you and her share. You will be a great daughter with a great daughter.

Dedication you you : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxPnAOMpbqA

Lots of Love,

Mummy

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Madam Stoolie

I’m sick and tired of hearing all about my life
From other bitches with all of your lies
Wrapped up so tight, so maybe you should shut your mouth, shut your mouth
Shut your fucking mouth

-Kesha Rose Sebert

One sunny morning, I cannot really  remember if it was sunny but I want to assume it was sunny. I am certain though it is the day I met you and knew that you were special. I knew we had unsaid connection that would grow into a bond that would last forever. Though we had bumped into each other over few years, that day was different. You easily opened up about you. I had never had such intense conversation with you and that definitely got me hooked. You are not only a good listener but also very candid with your pieces of advise. I liked that.

I hold back a lot and would take ages for me to open up but things were different with you. It took a very short period of time for me to trust with you with a lot. It was vice versa so there was no cause of alarm. Everyday I promised myself that I would speak less of me but you gave me every reason to want to tell you more just as you did. I fell in love with what we had,  I believed you more and more. I became comfortable and careless with what I thought only belonged to the selected few. I thought that was the best thing that had happened to me in the recent past. I made my biggest mistake yet, I trusted you .

One day, I stay up late at the office . I am going through whatsapp and your friend who has only a “hi “ kind of relationship with me asks me a very private question. I am taken aback. I know only three people know about it. Me, you and God. I stop, my world stops, it spins. I sit down and for almost an hour, I am repeatedly saying “OMG”. The security guard is concerned and when he cant take in anymore, he asks what the matter is. I come back to reality and realize that I am actually crying. I feel the pain in my chest. I am suddenly craving sugar and I feel like talking to no one. The two years I have known you seem eternity and right now am not sure I know you any more. On my way home, I reread the message over and over again. I am tempted to call you but something, that I appreciate now stops me.

Two days later, I have been able to recollect myself and get more details of the much you have shared. I simply cannot get myself to even look at you. I hear your voice and suddenly I am suffocating. You are in my space so I cannot avoid you. You make me pain in a way I thought I could not over betrayed loyalty. You killed part of me. The trust being.  I reminiscence all that we have shared and just how much the your secretes meant to me. How I always avoided talking about you with my friends lest I end up saying something I should not. I loved you like a big sister I don’t have. I trusted you like I trust my optician and gynae ( They are like my foster parents 😉 😉). But here, I was so broken that at times, the bile in mouth was so real. I was so hurt that to date, I cannot bring myself to ask you why you did it. And that is almost a year later.Maybe you had your reasons. But looking back, I should have seen the signs. All the tale-a-tell signs were there. When you said somethings about some of your friends that I thought were too deep to share. I should have known. I ought to have known that it is who you are. With a straight face and deep gaze as you told on your friends, you would tell on me.

I have had some of my very important friendships betrayed and I think yours is among those top of my list. Maybe I thought age comes with a bit of sworn allegiance, but I was very wrong. I thought it comes with defending sisterhood. I thought friendships at some age means defending what you share and keeping promises. I thought friendship comes with responsibility.

One day, when I can no longer feel the pain when I see you. When I stop seeing malice written all over your face, when I stop hating the biggest betrayer in you. That day when I stop smelling sinister motive like your body spray, when I see more to the fake smile, when I read in between the lines and lines of lies you share. That day when I finally know that you know what responsibility friendship carries, I will then tell you how much you meant to me love. I will tell you what pain you caused what I thought was sisterhood. I will tell you to tell your kids that it is best to respect friendships.

Until then, I see you, I feel pain. I see you and feel disgusted. I see you and wish you would have sieved what to share. I regret knowing you because the cost that came with our friendship was and is still too much to bear.

Regards,

Dee