I Cannot Be Your Lover

Friends are supposed to be just friends. Not friend with or friends for. No. Friendship should just be pure and with no expectations like a give and take situation. However, there comes a time when you have this friend you feel like you cannot be *just* friends anymore. It can be frustrating especially for a girl. Men will say it but rarely will we. I wrote the tit-bits below with an intention of sending to my friend. I never did, but I know he suspects it might have been something bad that either of us did that costed our friendship. If you read this, and you think you know it is you, I am sorry.

Few years back when we met as acquaintances, I hardly knew we would fast be friends. You were so reserved to the extent that I knew we would never be friends. Though I knew I would see you more often because of the situations that made us meet, I knew you were one of the friends who liked it very formal. I respected that. As much as you made me tone down being hyper just to match your energy, at least talked less when you were around because you hardly ever maintained a long chat which was very formal. As time went by, we grew to talk more. You were so sweet and considerate. Held my hand through a bit of my growing up. You made me comfortable and showed me the other good side of life I had not experienced. Where people talk in low voices and don’t have to maintain eye contact. Cannot lie you brought the best in me, you made me alive in a sober way.

With time, we finally became what people would call friends. You did not hide much, opened a bit by bit. You prodded but never pushed for me to speak. With time, I realized just how much I always looked forward to the talks. You were and still are a very nice person. It scared the hell out of me. You were a healing shell and I admired your baby steps and the resilience to overcome. You were a considerate dreamer. I really liked you for that. The more we talked, the more I realized what a good human being you are. I looked forward to the moments. I looked forward to the talks. I looked forward to your eyes. I searched your face every day to see your eyes, which I think I managed twice or three times.

I admired how bold you were when tackling life. You were not afraid to crawl amidst the dash or stop when need arose. For you, it only mattered that you went forward. I was used to some friends who had bits of what you stood for but for the first time, you were like four of them in one.

But you tripped; you fell in love and said it …….

I was not a young girl not to know what was coming. I suspected but I think I took for granted. I thought it would not come so soon. But then it came. My world stopped for a bit. I played with our feelings and it was so painful to see us get hurt. I will never forget the first time you maintained the gaze. It broke my heart into a million pieces. I will NEVER forget that. The rage, hate and brokenness. I will never forget what you said to me.
“Doris, we cannot be friends, I want you more than that. You won’t convince me otherwise”

That evening I went to bed but could not sleep, sat at the balcony until 3:00am crying. I don’t know why I cried but I knew you were not the man I wanted I wanted in my life. I never wanted a man who always told me yes. I did not want a man who controlled me (yes you did even without words). I never wanted to see you as my partner because you made me so vulnerable. You challenged me and I am so glad for that. But every day I saw you, I always wanted you to accept me as a good girl. I did not want you to know my weaknesses but always ended up sharing almost everything.

I ask myself if I led you on, to some extent, I did. I always fell in your embraces like my life depended on it. The kiss I stole in the dark was because I did not want you to see my eyes sparkle. Dragging each other to church was the most beautiful thing in our friendship. There are sermons I just stared at you praying and hoped that you prayed for me too. But still, my heart would not love you as lovers are to. I am so grateful for everything.

However, I am so sorry. I know we can never be friends again. You put that so clear. I miss you. But nothing has changed. To date, I still cannot let my heart accept you as a lover. I am so sorry for leading you on. I am sorry for making you sad. I am not sorry for the happiness you brought me. I am not sorry about the kiss, I liked it. I am not sorry for the times we were there for each other. I will never be sorry that I met you. In fact, I really thank God I did. I really wish we were still friends as much as I know that will never be.

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