I Let Myself Feel Something

Yester night wile lying in bed after the laziest day I have ever had in a long time and my Siz funny bone picking up as I cleaned up for bed ( working on revenge) , I thought a lot about this thing called love. I hardly understand how some people make a whole big deal out of it . Another angle would be why some people are careless with it , dishing it out in the deepest measure to all. Truth be told , they may never know that . We should love everyone, but as human beings, we have the ability to draw the line; who to love most , deep and unconditional and who to love, just love . However at times, we hardly know that we love someone , very deep, until something gives us a wake up call . For me it took this movie to evaluate a few things .

How did I feel something, let myself feel something?

Something in life will teach you to be there for someone without loving them. It will teach you to fragment your heart such that each compartment has its roles. The heart will be so busy that no fragment will be apportioned to Eros love . Along the journey, there will come genuine people, you will know it but being a master at the game, they will not be allowed too close to know the buttons to press, even if it means literally running away.

Then comes a time when you meet an equally carefree soul. A bird that doesn’t have a home. In the mind, you will say a lil prayer, pop a champagne by yourself and make merry because finally, there is a shell , just like yours, that lacks a heart . Without thinking of the dangers , you will be you. No lies , pretense, struggle , future plans and all the *crap* that comes with love. It will be just two human beings who treat each other nicely. Within no time, there will be sharing of personal stuff, all this while without any special spark. The self-lie will continue. This isn’t something. You will never meet each others friends but will know what each likes, the parents birthday, the siblings favorite colors, the fears , achievements , drawbacks, that nasty uncle, the favorite aunt because there is no pressure to share but it comes natural .

You go out to catch new stuff together . He treats you nice when you bump into his boys. She treats you nice when you see her squad . No attachment . Whenever you meet , you just can’t stop bubbling about the new achievements . The prospects, plans , and when the adrenaline gets better of you , the family you wish for . You don’t cuddle when watching movies . You don’t fix the hair when you have a date. He doesn’t call you bae or baby because you both know that your hearts are cold, or at least one of you knows .

heart
Pic Courtesy

One day , you wake up and realize, you miss them. You don’t miss the stories, the new stuff, the funny loud laugh, the very thing you hate about then. No, you just miss them. You miss their ego , their stupidity , the clueless self,  the sluggishness , the being late in everything . You miss their forehead ( lol) and their strained ponytail or weave maybe ( if you belong to MAWE)  . You miss how you hated a man being so talkative. For a fact , it still does not hit you that one of your heart fragments has misbehaved . You ignore and know that the distance and silence doesn’t matter anymore .

Days turn into many days then into many more days and you realize that you don’t stop missing them. You think of all you hated about them and laugh alone when you think of it. You ogle at everyone who looks like them. You stop bonding with any other soul because the memories are too special to create new one or to forget . You don’t have a picture of them. It is perfect because nothing is as valuable as a mental picture because it is always the perfect version of someone you will ever have . The many days roll into months then the painful truth hits you. It is no longer the laughter but the tears. You miss them so much that it literally hurts . Yes, you can tell the doc that you got a painful heart. You think about them every single day . You wish you had never met them. The biggest revelation is that for the longest time ever, you felt something or allowed yourself to feel something . The something is so bad that you can hardly wish to feel it again . You wish the cause would come just one more time, so that you can prove you are immortal and cannot feel anything . However unlike before, you wish they would come  back with open arms so that they would crush you in the biggest hug that you never realized how good it was . You miss telling someone your fears without feeling guilty . You hate it that that you miss when someone never judged you . You cannot stand that you know that someone trusted you with some things that were so personal to them . You are afraid that you will never see someone grow to stop being afraid of you and being them . You reminisce every days of the few day that you were so real around someone . You dont know if they do miss the moments too. You will never know if they let themselves feel something or they ran away when they felt something .  You wish that you  did not  but you did; FEEL SOMETHING.

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