I DO NOT WANT TO BE TIRED

Dr. G and I have known each other for a very short period of time, about five months . We met at an entrepreneurship forum ,ICT related to be precise . We happened to sit next to each other and somehow just started talking, way a lot for him. I liked how easy he was and over time we have  been talking. Dr.G isn’t that doctor who cuts open your stomach or head, no. He is a psychiatrist and mostly works with education institutions .

Being the psychiatrist he is and I being the nervy enthusiast I am ,always, we have severally talked about me accompanying him to one of those mass sessions. I thought these were normal sessions where one talks to adrenaline  oozing teens . I never asked what he ever did in detail , which may have been good ignorance .

One Tuesday last month, he sends me a text that he got a session in Nairobi that he thought might be interesting . He knows from our talks how I would die to sit in a male only session and that is all I need to confirm my availability .  I am so engrossed in thinking how the boys would ask about puberty, dating, sex and money . I am so certain that it will be a thrilling session listening to a confession of a 16 year old who suffers a boner everyday during the English lesson because the teachers’ hips don’t lie 😉 .

Fast forward G picks me up in town and we head to a middle class suburb rather than the informal setting I had thought of . We are welcomed to rather large compound by a relatively young couple .At this point, I have no idea what to think . I just follow blindly offering forced smiles . We hardly get time to catch up but get ushered to  the leaving room where 21 boys/young men between 13 and 17 are seated . Very well dressed ,good looking and actually looking so happy . They are nibbling on crisps and strawberries . joined by two other males and three females we sit and get introduced . Apparently this is the first time the boys are meeting .  The parents have met before, either through work , church , hospital or school meetings . These innocent looking souls have at one point tried to commit suicide , and not once! The bombshell hits me so hard that I barely get tit bits of the first story. Am in daze. Hurt but I don’t know why .

The second story is of a 15 year old in form one. When he was in class seven, he tried to make a pass at girl who embarrassed him publicly . Being the first time, this hit him so hard that it sent his self esteem to zero . The started to perform poorly and the pressure from the parents did not make it better . By class eight , he would spend the whole day in his room in bed but not sleeping, his eyes shut though . His mum only took notice when the house-help raised the issue . He was transferred to another school but maybe was the worst mistake. New environment did not make it better . He attempted suicide in the school art room but luckily was found and given medical attention . What appalled me was that he used a PENCIL to inflict injuries on him and even tried to pull out his tongue out !!!! Due to this, he did not sit his KCPE exams and had to resit the following year .

The second time was immediately after class eight exams . He banged his head on the wall until he passed out ! He survived but with quite a damage to his brain. Third time was a week after he got admitted to form one  and his stuff got stolen . He slashed his wrists open  and watched them bleed.I just could not take it . I just would not wait for another testimony. I lied that I had to attend to an emergency went out and cried my heart out . Not because of the boys but because of me . I have not attempted suicide but I just couldn’t take it .

A few days before I met the boys, I was breaking apart mentally . I did not know why but I would never leave the house from Friday evening to Monday morning. I would switch off my phone and just sleep . I was just tired but not of life .

I really wanted to stay but I just could not . I could not face those I would call my little brothers who are tired of breathing and have no dream. Their dream was to fly with the angels . I left and had a whole large Pizza, crying myself to an okay state , of course my phone was off .

Dr.G called immediately I switched my phone on . We talked about the *emergency * . He told me that I liked complaining a lot and he just wanted me to learn something . The lesson was mentally and emotionally brutal but I am ready for the third session since I missed the second . I know now more than ever that I want to know how this gender called male is still human. I wish to meet their parents at some point . By the way, G told me that the hosts lost their two Children to suicide . The first born killed herself after rape and the 2nd one couldn’t handle the death so she drunk herself silly,got into the family car and drove into ditch; she did not survive.

There are many things I am tired of, like lies, fake friendship, being taken advantage of , men raping their daughters,women cheating on their husbands and the fact that I cant walk in six inch pumps ( yes that bothers me a little too much) but am not tired of tomorrow. I am not tired of fighting. I am not tired of dreaming of tomorrow full of love. I am not tired of planning for a vacation just for me and my son and teach him that good men still live or a spa date with my daughter gossiping on how we can convince the next investor into our company . Every day , I pray that many of us human being beings are not tired . If you still are alive, not by choice, God has not ye finished what he started in you.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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