EMPTY SELF

When I googled the title, this is what came up

  1. The state of containing nothing. The vast emptiness of space
  2. The quality of lacking meaning or sincerity; meaninglessness.
  3. The quality of having no value or purpose; futility.” feelings of emptiness and loneliness”
empty
Photo Cred: Google

Of all these explanations, I intended to explore the third. I don’t know really if there is/are specific definition to the feeling. Maybe, I would not even qualify it as a feeling because at this moment, there is nothing: absolutely void. No pain, no regret, no joy, no confusion, just nothing. Like a hollow tunnel, but with enough coat that prevents it from producing an echo. Just empty.

Being a woman and a first born can make your hands quite filled up. You are always busy worrying about other people. You always want to protect others, be there for the family, stand up for the friends, fix it for those close to you and offer direction to those who don’t ask it but you think they need it. This has been almost typical me. With this kind of life, I rarely care about other people wholly. Why? Because I fear being let down .Having to worry a lot makes the mind resign to the fact you should not have time to worry about me.

At some point, the mind will stop. It will get tired of others and demand you. It will stop thinking about extra and recline to intra. This is when you realize that the you are actually new to your own self. It is strange to worry about you. You barely know yourself and the thought of trying to take stock of yourself is scary. Immediately you try to, you hit a big revelation that numbs you . You discover that you are exactly not that person you think you are , let alone what other people think . Nothing scares the fixer than realizing that she can’t fix herself or a pillar to realize that they don’t have one of their own .

This may sound funny because mostly, many people associate *strong* women to women who have their own lives patched together. Everything working as planned. This is not always the case. Most of the times, some of us fixers hide behind fixing others. When you have the ability to fix others, no one will doubt your ability to hold your own shit. Simple.

However, there comes a time in life when you really have to take stock, dissect, lay bare and accept that your life is not fixed, or close to fix as you think. It’s scary to learn you. For me, it is not scary, it’s extremely creepy that several times, I have literally shuddered, gone numb and if alone, broken down in tears . It is so easy not to see any damage you might have done to your life. There are times you get scared to open your eyes because you feel you are so messed up that you can’t stand to feel sorry for your self. Because feelings are natural, you can’t just throw in happiness ; so what remains, E.M.P.T.I.N.E.S.S!

This may result to the fact that maybe along the way , you overlooked the indicator that you needed to work towards a clear vision free of compromise and short cuts . Yes there might be unforeseen drawback but have you tried thinking what would be a plan B if plan A doesn’t go through . You cannot work with expectations of the society, social clique or class , family , age , economic wishes or dreams . Dreams are good, but a dream without a clear execution plan is as well as dead. I have always wanted to be that woman who other women will look at and say ‘Yes, that’s exactly what I want to be’. But then to be that woman, what are my strengths and weaknesses, what do I have to do , what do I need not to do , who do I work with , who do I speak to , where am I supposed to be placed in order to tap into what I need to be . As long as you stop yourself from feeling who and what you are , the emptiness will not go away and as long as you feel empty , you WILL NOT be able to make decisions about who and what you want to be .

I can’t promise you it’s going to be easy . It is something I have just started and I know I am gonna make it . It needs courage and support. Be in a position to tell those close to you ( must be trust worthy ) that you are frightened , you have let yourself down and you need to pick up yourself . Be genuine and don’t say it with expectations, just say it because you trust them enough to share. Write down what you feel. It might help too . I have seen those who seek services of psychiatrist or psychologist .Some do it by working on spiritual life

1 john 5:5-8 Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? This is he who came by water and blood—Jesus Christ; not by the water only but by the water and the blood. And the Spirit is the one who testifies, because the Spirit is the truth. For there are three that testify: the Spirit and the water and the blood; and these three agree.

Do something/s that will make you be in full control of you; your feelings, dreams and expectations. It starts with ME!

 

 

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