I have always wished to write someone else’s story on my blog. When I got a very long inbox on my Facebook account, I could not pass it. Especially putting it that she would want the world to know her story. I love motivational blogs and her comment was so intense on one of the articles I was reading that I commented on it. I have never listened much to men hurting from being cheated on by women, I have NEVER heard a woman regret for cheating on a man. But this made me tear. We talked on Saturday night for close to two hours on phone and my heart was broken. Let us not take our men for granted. Here is Bibi’s’ story done in verbatim on paper as accurate as possible,,,,
“Listening to his voice over the phone was worse than I ever thought. I could feel how hurt he was. I could connect with the raw pain in his words and the struggle to mumble words I very knew would be the last to me. Unlike his normal so many words in such a little time kind of talking, this call was different. Slow, low and very clear. It was as if he wanted each letter and each word to be of impact. He wanted me to feel what I could not see . He made me know how hard I had tra
mpled on his ego, how I had made his heart bleed and just how shattered I had had made his life be .
Usually, it ought to have been me on the other end, yapping and crying , seeking for answers and demanding for explanation. Questioning myself where I had failed and why we would not have talked about it . But here I was, reversed roles. He did not need to call me a whore to have it sink in my head, it already had. He never asked why I did it but I already wanted to say I was sorry for the umpteenth time. He did not ask me to forget him and never reach out but l already knew that I never wanted to see him again. I knew I was not worth his gaze leave alone time.
You see , we (him and I ) met at a very funny place , market , to be specific ,at a green grocers market . It was a bright Sunday afternoon and sight of a man with a big basket full of fruits and veggies could not go unnoticed. Luckily, I was to come in handy when he couldn’t decide what was better for salad between courgette and cucumber. Also made him try out butter nuts rather than pumpkin.
A man so straight that in a week, I already knew that he was healing from a broken relationship, apparently after being cheated on by his 3 year fiancée. As a human being with feelings, this should move you especially if it comes with such open show of pain and disgust. It should be a warning enough to keep of such but if heavens allowed you two to get together , it should always be for a life. You can imagine doing the very thing to him, for a second time. This is all after letting him cry on your shoulder and showing him that he could love again. Showing him and making him know that you are different and could be trusted with his fragile heart .
We all never see this coming but when you get involved with a man so fragile , one should be prepared with the sensitivity it comes with . Such men need undivided attention and sincere love . The can smell deception while it’s just a thought in a woman’s stupid brain .
That fateful Saturday that is still as fresh as today when he was to travel from a nearby town late in the evening , he decided to come earlier than usual to surprise me . We had been having issues due to my new work schedule that barely gave me time off during weekends . Actually this was the first weekend off in the last four months . Him being away made this little freedom I had seem adventurous . I could not sip on my two unopened chardonnay bottles alone. Why not invite friends over . I got my best friend and workmate come over for lazy evening and night . As the unlucky stars would have it, my friend bailed out the last minute after his boyfriend dropped unexpectedly. I could not send my workmate away as he was already at the gate . I promised myself not to overindulge, a promise I should have known too well I don’t keep .
Dickson was a new guy, barely three months old at my place but we had clicked so easily . He was young , at least younger by three years . He had the greatest sense of humor and so was his dressing . Easy to the eye he was and a great listener . Actually the two bottles of wine were from him . It was a bet he had lost and had to buy me a present . One Friday he had honored it with wine and a tube of lipstick because he has accidentally stepped on my fallen one a week before that .
Fast forward in my house , I was easy with him, or at least he made me comfy . We decided no TV but talk and wine . Trust me , he showed up with a good collection of African music that was to be for Liz, my best friend . We had supper and later started on the wine. From gossip at work to neighbors and finally tit bits of personal life. By midnight, it was laughter as the wine took toll. A little pillow fight crept in and more intense looks . I felt at ease and moved closer. He knew I was dating and so was I aware he was too . This was a surreal moment however; exceptional and adventurous I did not want to pass. We talked about it and promised that he was to leave the first thing at the crack of dawn. I wish I knew this was never going to happen. The feeling of waking up is some muscular arms on a Saturday morning only made me snuggle even more. Since I knew my guy was to come in the evening, why not just cuddle a lil more?
Around 10.00 am we decided it was time to clean up, at least together but set the record straight that this was just one of those one night stands. The Music, water and our laughter must have deafened the lock turning. He was back, early enough with reservations for an out of town experience . I think he heard the noise in the shower, carefully placed what he had on the table , plus the hotel details . He managed to only get any documentation he had in my house and left. However, this was not before penning a short note,
“This is for you and your shower partner, I do hope you have the fun we were to. “
There was no sign off. Of course I knew his handwriting. From the shower, trying to clear the table, my eyes landed on some goodies and the note. Nothing can compare to the pain I felt. I sat dumbfounded for what seemed like eternity. Dickson dressed and left without a word. I could not cry , I just sat there, going through every pain he had been through getting over his fiancée . I was dazed, I wanted to call him but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. I sat there for close to three hours staring into space. Just a single night of stupidity had ruined someone. I was not in pain but felt his. I had shredded the little pieces that remained of him. I was a selfish bitch who only pretended to care. Who, in their right mind could do this to an innocent man ?
I took leave from job the following week and stayed indoors, not crying but hiding my face from my own condemnation. I never cried, I did not feel broken but I loathed myself. I wished I had never meant every word that I knew I meant. I wish I was a little bit sincere and held onto my words.
His call, four days later is all I needed, to know that I hurt him, and that he did not want anything to do with me anymore .I listened to him as he made every word sink in. I took every stab of his articulation with shame. It was my first but it did not redeem me from being called a whore. Not that he did but I knew I deserved to be called that. Which kind of a woman cheats on his boyfriend. For more than an hour we talked, a sober talk . I did not shed a tear . He did not need explanations but just wanted to express himself. We agreed he would come over to pick his clothes when I was not around and drop the key at my office .
I recorded all that I thought I would say before the agreed on day .
At least, I wanted it to be the first thing he saw when he got in with a note *please listen before you pick anything * .
I guess he did . I could imagine him listening to me say what I had to say and later reading a copy of my resignation letter on my bed . I don’t know how he reacted .All I know is that I found half of my clothes and some of his missing . He never brought me the key .
While serving my notice and looking for another job, I kept on praying that I forgive myself . I prayed with every chance I got . Though I talked to Dickson , I kept my distance . I never relented in prayer though . I started a journey on self-forgiveness because I had condemned myself so much . I talked to a counselor in church and my prayer partner who to date still walk in me to wards being a better person.
With a week to go , I got a delivery . Flowers and a note . In a note were words that to date still baffle me how he managed to write .One thing I am sue though, he is one man who knows me extremely well
“I know too well that I love you , and you too do . I don’t know what happened but one thing I know is that you would never want to see me down the drain . You have a week at your current station, if you don’t mind, there is a vacancy in my town , a better deal. Check your email for details. You have a home in my house . If you take it , you still have my key , and my lock is till the same . I want us . I still chose you “
My upcoming wedding in Dec is a dream come true, three years later , he is one of the pillars I have towards healing .Our 3 month old son I a reminder of a second chance that I never take for granted . I still regret that moment but sharing it with those close to me and him plus making him part of the healing journey has made it easy . We have grown to understand each other better . I have learnt the hard way when what it means to suffer the guilt of cheating on a man, a very innocent man. I wish no other woman will ever have to go through the same . With love “– Bibi