Doris,What do you want ?

I want to be happy , I want to succeed , I want to travel the world, I want ,, want , want ..! This is a daily dose question that my mind has religiously asked. I may blame it on age, but how now? Maybe my current social situation where I barely have time to make new friend s? , uummmhh , naaah! Maybe I am certainly growing up? This is scary, not that age wise. I guess it’s just a phase. It reaches a time in life when you realize you have too much potential that your current situation has confined you. I think am in that phase. I am an outdoor person. I love adventure and new challenges. For the past three years, I have taken an 8am to 5 pm job . I was fresh out of school and needed to pay bills and draft the next phase of my life. I don’t have the campus-work-marriage kind of dreams. I always have to fix exploration and adventure everywhere. I hate being tied down to a repetitive routine but at times; there is nothing much I wanted to do about it. However, turning 25 might have changed things a little bit. I am more aware of my choices, ambitions and dreams. I am learning to challenge myself and go for what I want.

IMG_20150509_120701Previously, I was afraid of my workmates learning the free spirit being I am. I recoiled into a cocoon of solitude and pretense just for the fear of being judged. I never put in mind that actually, there might be nobody minding my business. So why keep on hiding? What or who was I running from? Was I being chased by a shadow of my own, fear of the unknown and pessimism of my insecurities? On discovery 254 that currently runs on NTV, Edith Kimani once said that we are afraid to tell ourselves that, you know what, that was good. This especially happens to women. But, in the first place, are we bold enough to go for what we want? Most of the times, it is, never an option.

I can hardly recall days I have walked into my Managers office to ask for an opportunity. Yes I have gotten some of what I wanted but none through asking. I have taken up tasks to render the management with no option but to let me run with it. But I guess I have let pass of many opportunities I would have excelled in just because I feared asking. It may seem surprising to those who know me that I totally freak out when I have to face some people plus I am super shy. The fact that I have grown up fighting for me has taught me to fight when need arises but many more times have I let myself down by not speaking. I fear fighting when I think I may end up just hurting myself .I have shelved my ideas, preferences and wants to give priority to those I care about . Not always has it been rosy, or a selfless act. Some of these decisions I have made have adversely affected me but I just won’t speak .

Some people I have met, like Paras Gudka , the founder of westlands Chess club , have inspired me to try new things but I have always held back . Paras is a photographer and when time came to let go of the club and follow his passion, he did. Though he still blogs about Chess, I don’t think I have any courage to let go of any of my baby projects. I still wonder how he did it. How do people know when it’s time to follow your heart? I get scared at the thought of wadding unknown waters. I have these thoughts that the waves will wash me away, completely erase the evidence of my existence and shove me rock bottom, never to surface again. I tell myself that I am wrong but why have I not taken the initiative to disappoint my fears?

I fear writing down what I dream of, for the fear of looking at them with uttermost regret when I can’t achieve them. Don’t get me wrong, I know the power of writing your dreams somewhere, even God himself wrote down the Ten Commandments! So today , I resolve to

  1. Write down all I want to do/achieve
  2. Ask for opportunities
  3. Fight (not Physically ) for my seat at the table
  4. Work hard for the chances I deserve ( I also welcome what I don’t deserve but have been blessed with)
  5. Commit all the above to the Lord

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4 thoughts on “Doris,What do you want ?

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