I Love My Ex

Time heals ? No way , it doesn’t . Not for me . Times allows me, just like a cow , to chew life cud . Reflect on all the moments we shared . The first eye contact , the first hello, the first date , the first hug , the first kiss,just the first everything . I do concur that there is nothing absolutely as beautiful as love . Its addictive , intoxicating , painful , bonding , soothing, foolish but still opens you to a totally new world . A world of love . A world where most of the times everything is meant to work . An atmosphere that allows someone to spread the wings and explore new heights that in moments sobriety from love influence , the escapades would rather be hushed. Some love stories do last , like till death do as part thing . This Cinderella love is kind of wish that any love bird secretly prays and longs for once they are in the moment . However the bitter truth is that not all love stories live to tell their own stories .Some end *prematurely* , or rather ran their course quite fast .Often after breaking up , we tend to hate and only remember the bad and the ugly from the past ,after which we move on and create new memories. I totally agree with the first bit however , my second phase , I choose to enjoy the good memories we shared. The moments of ignorance , stupidity and wholesome loving . Every little thing that made me smile from my first love .

Being a self confessed sapiosexual can be tricky . Before I discovered this a few years back, roughly seven years , all I ever wanted was a man to love me , take care of me as a partner and hopefully as a wife . No men come with tags . If I may quote Carmen from devious maids, “all men should come with warning tags, just like chocolates have for calories. None is good for women”. This is so true . So when I opened my heart to love , I did love, without reservations . I never finished his sentences , we did not have our song, we never had pet names ( am bad at it ). We had us . Two souls that wanted love without holding back . Raw and thirsty of love , eternal love . The one that did not believe in letting go . Love that trusted , kept no records of wrong doings . The kind that knew boundaries and had no greed to know more than shared . That one that cared less of any third party influence but remained loyal to the two souls that had the same beat .

These moments made me realize that I could love someone other than my nuclear family so hard . It opened me to a completely new world of exploration , forgiveness , happiness , dreams and hope for the future . It shaped my world to learn accommodate other people who we differed in skin color , ethnic backround, sex ,age, ambitions , goals , ideas and social status . The memories created have made me realize that life , depending on how you look at it , can be very beautiful . How else would one deny this when may years down you still remember something you did with your ex and blush amidst trying to overcome constipation ?

It took me a long time to see my past relationship in this perspective . It is hard for most of us , especially women to accept this but I have . In situations where this relationships took years especially , there is so much that made you two (or us two) stick together . A friend once told me that she is lucky to have dated a certain guy . On prodding , she told me how she got to learn how to share . All her life , she has had *me,myself and I* attitude but through the said guy, she discovered that you can still love someone without forgetting yourself more .

I still have my ex as a friend, but with boundaries . Just to avoid having confusing feelings again , we talk , meet and share . But this has to be in public , daytime and not so often . There are days when you might think of the “US” factor , yes , its bound to happen but there is no time to get it twisted . There is a reason we graduate from high school to college , just like you have to get over your ex. For someone to grow in the next relationship , you MUST reach a point of being at peace with your past . It should come a time when you get into another relationship without comparing your lover to your ex girl/boyfriend . You are to be in a position to meet your ex and not feel awkward , be genuinely happy for their success/moving on , come to terms with the fact that he/she might date someone more beautiful/handsome, smarter or adorable .

A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage . No one prepares you for the time it will take for healing process . For some, its months,others its years , others eternity but at the end of it all , one must learn to let go . It is still a puzzle to me how one day , I almost ( coz I never will) treated my family less important than him . How everyday my heart literally skipped every-time he called me Dee or the intensity of his gaze when I looked at him . How I was totally blind to all tell-a-tale signs of something going wrong . How my mama saw it before I did.

Today though , it doesn’t hurt anymore . It is a lesson well learnt . Time can NEVER EVER tell just what pain I went through . What I have battled with because of a broken relationship . How many times I looked at my phone wishing I could see a sorry text . I waited long enough just to hear the the words “ I am sorry” but I realized it was all in vain . Slowly , I dealt with me, bit by bit . I might not be there yet but I know am not where I was close to five years back . I have learnt to find self love and satisfaction again. I have stopped blaming myself bombarding my conscience with * I wish I had,,,* . I have grown to see, * I did ,,,and it was worth it * . As I sit down to brain storm on my wedding theme , I see the world in a different perspective . A world full of genuine men , not perfect but those who accept their imperfections and are ready to change . Men who cannot promise of a perfect tomorrow but guarantee you a day of happiness . A man who is willing to learn how to be a better lover , partner and father . A man who is not afraid to loose you because he knows it aint gonna happen . A man who will not fight for you because he knows he has no reason to wanna make you ensue a fight . A man who find it easy to act that confess love . That man after my own heart .

P/s : The first piece ever written for 10 days



Few years back, I guess when I was still suffering from late adolescent hangover; I had a very funny discussion with some ladies. The *side dish*, mpango wa kando, the other woman, name it, status. I am one of those ladies who greatly respect the marriage institution. The act of knowingly dating a married man sends shivers down my spine . However, yesterday I found myself analyzing a very funny situation. If a lady dates a man , so single but wants to date for 10 years , (uuum, I got no explanation why I think it’s fun to date for such a long time) , while this guy wants to settle down, is it okay to let him marry but still remain the love of your life ?
Tricky, ha? I almost, okay, I did convince myself. From my selfish point of view it is so okay. To make own this school of thought, I will use myself as the subject, trying to details exactly what was going through my mind at the time.
“If this woman is now dating/married this man I met before her, I should not feel guilty dating him even if they are a family now. See, we met before she showed up with her hurried marriage appetite. He does not love him. He married her because he wanted children urgently, something I was not ready to offer .We are soul mates, we knew this that moment our eyes locked at that place (top secret). I remember the way we could not stop looking at each other every time we bumped into each other. You see, this is real love. But this woman!! (lol! can you feel my tone ? ) . She looked like she will make a good mother though. She is the kind that wakes up before everyone, sleeps last and never expects her hubby to even clear the table. The kind of woman who wakes up to prepare her hubby’s friends breakfast because they went partying late and crushed at his place with their women(hell no! not my man’s house!!) Unlike this hard headed girl I am who has been brain washed by movies that have men bake as if it’s the bread of life and scrub the kitchen while I do my pedi !
He still calls me beautiful and we got inner jokes, e.g kifedhs ( I am in tears of laughter for that word! OMG! This is turning out a confession). We still talk late into the night and we tell each other silly secretes. We still inform each other of major decisions we want to make and console ourselves that we just friends. His boys still take me out and call me madam so&so !lol! Oh jeez! My ribs! Big S , don’t kill me for this if you see it . I love the name.
We still have that gaze at his in-laws (the wife’s’) parties. Am a good pal, so I am always invited to parties. I love how well he treats the wife. How well he walks behind her. He is a good one, holding hands/waist was a reserve of us ;-). All these things and much more. Do they justify that we can be more than friends again? There should not be guilt. Who gate crushed our party? Who got into marriage because she only wanted children? Who doesn’t like triggering the macho side of our (yes he is ours, me and her) man? Absolutely not me. It’s her. Does she deserve a cheating hubby? Absolutely no! She is too sweet and submissive for it .I cannot be half the wife she is now. Am only twice the other woman she can try being.
My conscience and principle: There is only one way, moving on and forward .Marriage is a holy institution, blessed by God
Life Rule: Friends, good friends, are treasures too expensive to lose and too delicate to take for granted
Reality: True love NEVER dies
Another Reality (From Movies): If you love someone for real, you should allow them to go when the time comes
PS: Dear J, you made a good choice. Walking away from such is justice to you and the marriage institution. Respect gal!