Sausage Funga

This is not a sausage funga kind of thing. This involves the whole chasing, play hard to get, candle lit dinners, scented baths and introduction to some of the family members. She may actually be your moms’ favorite. It involves you, the guy, playing the whole *hubby* thing in the relationship. It involves emotions, stupid quarrels and the whole mopping up and making up thing. This will come with some hot and kinky sex, exploration because according to her , what else should a guinea pig be used for apart from experiment ?

 sausage

Welcome to the world of the self-sufficient woman who will on years end fuck you with no intention of marrying you. After making you go through the whole rigorous vetting process, her ultimate goal is to make you a doll, one she can get rid of when she gets a new one or when she is just tired of it. You will chase her. Through this, she will try to see just how much time you will be stuck with her. During the chasing, its almost 80% chance to know which kind of a man will play the role she is auditioning them for. Mark you, this is not your neighborhood girl who struts in six inch heels every Friday with a mega fornication bag in anticipation of spending the weekend at your place. No, she isn’t that woman. She will call you when she needs you. She will not always be available when you need her. She won’t ask for money from you , but she will expect some carats of a worthy stone on her birthday . She is the woman who does not get excited over a trip to the southern coast. She will expect you to once in while tag along to this entrepreneurship conference to London or Jo’burg .

She will support you, financially (limited) , emotionally and spiritually . You might actually start going to her place of worship. Once in a while she will whip up sumptuous biting for you and maybe the whole lot of your boys. This may make the self-confessed bachelor forever of the group convince you that its time he took you shopping for that little jewel that will mark your territory. This of course will boost you big silly ego out of proportion thinking that you hit the jackpot. She will lend you her car to drop your blacked out friends. Of course she knows you will pass by the carwash on your way back (there are those that operate at night too.

Then the dawning moment happens .Dudes! They know when you are thinking of the next level. The day you start the baby talk, joint investment, Dec shags trips, asking for advice on every financial decision you make, things will turn mangoes. When you start dropping hints of making her wash your boxers. When you start snooping too much into where she is , what she does and with who . When you make yourself too available to *accidentally bump into her friends*. Dude! Back off. Why are you so concerned about what her family loves or hates in a man. That’s what I call I wrong turn. As a guy, when a woman asks for sex, give her sex, not love making session. This is because she wants just that, sex . Some women actually hate the whole suffocating (read cuddling) bit after the romp. All she wants (its 2.00 am yes) , is pick her delicate self up to her car, to her bathroom, to her soft silky sheets , without you of course .

This is a woman like Olivia Pope, has a president and a Jake. She knows the roles of each specifically. She knows who to call for celebration sex and who to call for pity sex. She knows who she can tell a bit, maybe almost all of her little secrets. All this while, “There will be no next level ” rule will apply. If you are good looking enough, with brains and impeccable sense of humor, you may be lucky enough to land the sperm donor role. Remember, here you may have the option of being part of the baby’s life or not. It’s not like she won’t afford GSCE at some institution in the bushes in the outskirts of Nairobi where parents use choppers not cars to visit their sons and daughters .

The bottom line is , Men will never admit to being used, expect one I know of who is living off women, but the fact is , as a man , you can be sausage fungwad , and taken advantage of because some of the 20th century women dropped the fall in love, get married and have children theory by our mothers .

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