This is more suited as an April 2015 publication but I decided to do it much earlier. I want to say a bit of what I could not in the past one year. The literally roller coaster emotional journey I have gone through since the sudden demise of my brother. I look okay, at least I try to and have managed to live a day at a time. I thank God for the grace he gave me. From that 8.00pm call on 3rd April at Tea room matatu terminus. A call from the Egerton, Njoro Campus chaplain that confirmed my brothers’ lifeless body had been lying in the morgue since that morning. The pain of the campus taking no initiative to communicate to my family that my bro had passed on. The pain numbing ordeal that took less than a minute to decide. The freaking fearful nights that followed where I could hardly sleep .Where I had to breathe deeply on my skin to confirm that I was alive.
Repeated reading of the last texts we exchanged. Replaying the last conversation we had.
Today I am gonna share what someone shared with me yesterday. Let me call her Jane for this article.
Dear Jane, I will capture your words below in verbatim as much as I can. In the past 11 months, you are the first person ever to have to told me exactly what I think I am feeling. You don’t know how much I needed that. I really honestly did. I am not sure you will read this, but if you do just have it always that I love you, and you are beautiful (That’s a super banging hot body for a mother of more than one) . In other aspects we might have clashed but yesterday made me realize just how much you mean to me. When we first met, I did not know this would be deeper than I thought but over time, you have always touched my heart in a special way. You can’t remember but there is one morning on my way to work you hugged me when I was so down. You just held me tight and wished me a good day, you just saved me from a very whacky decision.
“Doris, I am sorry about what I am going to tell you but I will tell you the truth. Stop pretending. You are in pain. You are hurting but always covering up because you want other people to know you are strong. I can pick it up in your tone every time you talk about your brother. You are not okay
I have taken special time to pray for you. Every time I have done so, I have this burden in my heart that you are hurting. I might not know the reason but I know you have not mourned your brother .
Doris, you are a strong woman but you carry and keep so much to yourself. You tend to think you are super woman. Not everyone will take time to understand you. Some will ride on the fact that you are not prone to emotions while some, once they dig a bit on the ish you have, will run away. Countable will stand to tell you the truth .
A loss is not the end of life. Look at the Ruth and Naomi story, it’s through their loss that we have Jesus. In the Bible , God is the father to the fatherless and the husband to the windows .
Often as human beings , we tend to think that God does not understand the pain of losing a loved one through death . How wrong are we? Actually God lost his only son and Family , Jesus through death . This was to show that he connected with us when the mortal body is gone. The pain, the emotional attachment. God could have prevented Mary, who bore him his only son from the pain , but he did not . His earthly parents and siblings plus relatives mourned for his death. It was bitter and emotional draining to them .Even though he resurrected, he finally departed . To them, he more of a son than Jesus Christ .
For those who walked away, be glad they did because it shows that they are only okay when you are okay . Let them go, and bless them to find happiness. Don’t harbor bitterness for them because, they probably would never understand such pain .
Doris , pain cannot be countered by pretense . Just be real and heal , healing will come by mourning “
I might have not captured everything in the conversation above . But one thing am sure, this is a session probably not even a therapist would have with me .
I thank God when I know that he has never left me nor forsaken me . He did not send angels with white robes and wings to lift me up , but he has sent me lots of good people , this beauty being one of them . I thank God for her . How I pray that for all the days she has knelt down to pray for me , may she blessed . May her family experience unmerited favor . May her territories expand more than she can imagine .
One thing she told me before we part ways was if she could go back to years as young as I am now, there is one primary thing she would do , that’s make his relationship with God stronger than it was because the Lord she serves is a living God .
Sometimes I look at myself as a door mat , unworthy and downtrodden , but doesn’t the Lord who knew me while I was in my mother’s womb promise that he will establish the plans he has for me ? Doesn’t the very Lord of Lords, I call father have all the cattle in the hills as his? Being his baby, why should I not take a portion of it. Jesus calls all those who are heavy laden to take their burdens to him, this is an open offer. How many times have I taken advantage of it ?
The funniest thing I picked is that if God is my father, then Jesus is my brother. So what about using your big bro to scare away the little drawback s? It actually sounds funny to me but then again , time I strengthen my relationship with my big bro, Jesus .
Thank you Jane . I will be eternally grateful