Sausage Funga

This is not a sausage funga kind of thing. This involves the whole chasing, play hard to get, candle lit dinners, scented baths and introduction to some of the family members. She may actually be your moms’ favorite. It involves you, the guy, playing the whole *hubby* thing in the relationship. It involves emotions, stupid quarrels and the whole mopping up and making up thing. This will come with some hot and kinky sex, exploration because according to her , what else should a guinea pig be used for apart from experiment ?

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Welcome to the world of the self-sufficient woman who will on years end fuck you with no intention of marrying you. After making you go through the whole rigorous vetting process, her ultimate goal is to make you a doll, one she can get rid of when she gets a new one or when she is just tired of it. You will chase her. Through this, she will try to see just how much time you will be stuck with her. During the chasing, its almost 80% chance to know which kind of a man will play the role she is auditioning them for. Mark you, this is not your neighborhood girl who struts in six inch heels every Friday with a mega fornication bag in anticipation of spending the weekend at your place. No, she isn’t that woman. She will call you when she needs you. She will not always be available when you need her. She won’t ask for money from you , but she will expect some carats of a worthy stone on her birthday . She is the woman who does not get excited over a trip to the southern coast. She will expect you to once in while tag along to this entrepreneurship conference to London or Jo’burg .

She will support you, financially (limited) , emotionally and spiritually . You might actually start going to her place of worship. Once in a while she will whip up sumptuous biting for you and maybe the whole lot of your boys. This may make the self-confessed bachelor forever of the group convince you that its time he took you shopping for that little jewel that will mark your territory. This of course will boost you big silly ego out of proportion thinking that you hit the jackpot. She will lend you her car to drop your blacked out friends. Of course she knows you will pass by the carwash on your way back (there are those that operate at night too.

Then the dawning moment happens .Dudes! They know when you are thinking of the next level. The day you start the baby talk, joint investment, Dec shags trips, asking for advice on every financial decision you make, things will turn mangoes. When you start dropping hints of making her wash your boxers. When you start snooping too much into where she is , what she does and with who . When you make yourself too available to *accidentally bump into her friends*. Dude! Back off. Why are you so concerned about what her family loves or hates in a man. That’s what I call I wrong turn. As a guy, when a woman asks for sex, give her sex, not love making session. This is because she wants just that, sex . Some women actually hate the whole suffocating (read cuddling) bit after the romp. All she wants (its 2.00 am yes) , is pick her delicate self up to her car, to her bathroom, to her soft silky sheets , without you of course .

This is a woman like Olivia Pope, has a president and a Jake. She knows the roles of each specifically. She knows who to call for celebration sex and who to call for pity sex. She knows who she can tell a bit, maybe almost all of her little secrets. All this while, “There will be no next level ” rule will apply. If you are good looking enough, with brains and impeccable sense of humor, you may be lucky enough to land the sperm donor role. Remember, here you may have the option of being part of the baby’s life or not. It’s not like she won’t afford GSCE at some institution in the bushes in the outskirts of Nairobi where parents use choppers not cars to visit their sons and daughters .

The bottom line is , Men will never admit to being used, expect one I know of who is living off women, but the fact is , as a man , you can be sausage fungwad , and taken advantage of because some of the 20th century women dropped the fall in love, get married and have children theory by our mothers .

She Touched My Heart

This is more suited as an April 2015 publication but I decided to do it much earlier. I want to say a bit of what I could not in the past one year. The literally roller coaster emotional journey I have gone through since the sudden demise of my brother. I look okay, at least I try to and have managed to live a day at a time. I thank God for the grace he gave me. From that 8.00pm call on 3rd April at Tea room matatu terminus. A call from the Egerton, Njoro Campus chaplain that confirmed my brothers’ lifeless body had been lying in the morgue since that morning. The pain of the campus taking no initiative to communicate to my family that my bro had passed on. The pain numbing ordeal that took less than a minute to decide. The freaking fearful nights that followed where I could hardly sleep .Where I had to breathe deeply on my skin to confirm that I was alive.

Repeated reading of the last texts we exchanged. Replaying the last conversation we had.

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Today I am gonna share what someone shared with me yesterday. Let me call her Jane for this article.

Dear Jane, I will capture your words below in verbatim as much as I can. In the past 11 months, you are the first person ever to have to told me exactly what I think I am feeling. You don’t know how much I needed that. I really honestly did. I am not sure you will read this, but if you do just have it always that I love you, and you are beautiful (That’s a super banging hot body for a mother of more than one) . In other aspects we might have clashed but yesterday made me realize just how much you mean to me. When we first met, I did not know this would be deeper than I thought but over time, you have always touched my heart in a special way. You can’t remember but there is one morning on my way to work you hugged me when I was so down. You just held me tight and wished me a good day, you just saved me from a very whacky decision.

 

Doris, I am sorry about what I am going to tell you but I will tell you the truth. Stop pretending. You are in pain. You are hurting but always covering up because you want other people to know you are strong. I can pick it up in your tone every time you talk about your brother. You are not okay

I have taken special time to pray for you. Every time I have done so, I have this burden in my heart that you are hurting. I might not know the reason but I know you have not mourned your brother .

Doris, you are a strong woman but you carry and keep so much to yourself. You tend to think you are super woman. Not everyone will take time to understand you. Some will ride on the fact that you are not prone to emotions while some, once they dig a bit on the ish you have, will run away. Countable will stand to tell you the truth .

A loss is not the end of life. Look at the Ruth and Naomi story, it’s through their loss that we have Jesus. In the Bible , God is the father to the fatherless and the husband to the windows .

Often as human beings , we tend to think that God does not understand the pain of losing a loved one through death . How wrong are we? Actually God lost his only son and Family , Jesus through death . This was to show that he connected with us when the mortal body is gone. The pain, the emotional attachment. God could have prevented Mary, who bore him his only son from the pain , but he did not . His earthly parents and siblings plus relatives mourned for his death. It was bitter and emotional draining to them .Even though he resurrected, he finally departed . To them, he more of a son than Jesus Christ .

For those who walked away, be glad they did because it shows that they are only okay when you are okay . Let them go, and bless them to find happiness. Don’t harbor bitterness for them because, they probably would never understand such pain .

Doris , pain cannot be countered by pretense . Just be real and heal , healing will come by mourning “

 

I might have not captured everything in the conversation above . But one thing am sure, this is a session probably not even a therapist would have with me .

I thank God when I know that he has never left me nor forsaken me . He did not send angels with white robes and wings to lift me up , but he has sent me lots of good people , this beauty being one of them . I thank God for her . How I pray that for all the days she has knelt down to pray for me , may she blessed . May her family experience unmerited favor . May her territories expand more than she can imagine .

One thing she told me before we part ways was if she could go back to years as young as I am now, there is one primary thing she would do , that’s make his relationship with God stronger than it was because the Lord she serves is a living God .

Sometimes I look at myself as a door mat , unworthy and downtrodden , but doesn’t the Lord who knew me while I was in my mother’s womb promise that he will establish the plans he has for me ? Doesn’t the very Lord of Lords, I call father have all the cattle in the hills as his? Being his baby, why should I not take a portion of it. Jesus calls all those who are heavy laden to take their burdens to him, this is an open offer. How many times have I taken advantage of it ?

The funniest thing I picked is that if God is my father, then Jesus is my brother. So what about using your big bro to scare away the little drawback s? It actually sounds funny to me but then again , time I strengthen my relationship with my big bro, Jesus .

Thank you Jane . I will be eternally grateful

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So Far 2015,,,

Roller coaster beginning of the year . Very mixed ideas, fortunes, feelings, opportunities . I am writing this from my office desk . Been feeling quite emotional . Its okay when I feel overwhelmed but have no option to retract back to my cocoon . There is someone out here who needs me and MUST just wake up and work my ass off . Someone who gives me hope of a better tomorrow, bring me joy ,encourages me ,motivates me. Even though there are drawbacks, its that one person I cherish a lot .

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March ; 20 things so far about 2015

  1. Grateful that I have seen the 3rd month of this year. To God be the glory
  2. How the hell is Feb supposed to be the shortest and financially easy month ? 3 rd year in a row , its been the most strenuous month financially
  3. Shoe obsession –Its not going away soon
  4. First lady half marathon. So far , I am certain of participating and the thrill is just beyond zero when it comes to explanations. I don’t have the words to
  5. Yvonne chakachaka is coming to Koroga festival. I reeeeaaaaallllyyyy want to attend though my entertainment budget for this month is exhausted, thanks to Chelsea Capital one cup win
  6. 11th month since my brother’s demise. More than ever , I have so many questions but I pray that God gives me the strength to move on
  7. My biggest New Year resolution has a two month deadline now. I don’t know how but I know I will achieve
  8. Funniest, ambiguous romantic relationship I have ever had in my life happened this year. *sips coffee *. This dating thing, please share notes. I am below C level!
  9. Glad valentine was on a weekend. May all women who treated their partners raise their hands?
  10. Loving my new hair volume thanks to weave. Yes I don’t like weaves but if that’s a secret to a fuller head, why not?
  11. I have started taking a lot of coffee in the recent past. It’s a worrying habit I don’t want to pick since am already addicted to lemon tea
  12. Pissed at my neighbors who lasted less than a week. Really pissed off at them using vulnerability to manipulate. Lies hurt
  13. Achievement- working out,progress in good eating (dropping beef ) and lil job stuff . So far , there has not been soda and beef in 2015.
  14. Fail- I have not written as often as I thought I would
  15. Clothing- I wish I could have these short shorts. Denim or khaki in either navy blue, black or white. Anyone who wants to surprise me ?
  16. Wish – My future husband would have at least half of David Bekhams fashion sense
  17. Crush – I think My obsession with overly bulky men has toned down this year. I have no particular one yet
  18. Loving my skin. Water should have played a part but am sure change of body oil did something too . My face improving so much that am hardly getting uncomfy with dark spots
  19. Culinary- Working on a new recipe . I cant wait to share .chicken veggie affair
  20. Check out laGiacca suits . Met this young man and he is a very easy chap with big dreams that he spends more time on his feet chasing them than dreaming .

Enjoy the month!