It’s a topic I hate to talk about. I believe in eternal love but am not a PDA kind of person. Am also a non-believer of jelly knees, mushy feeling, drained cheeks and that familiar pit in the stomach when reality hits. Not that I have not experienced. The tongue tie proved all this. When hit, I hardly hide my excitement too. I dream of a green emerald for my engagement, and good metal for my nuptials.
I really don’t know why am writing this. In my description for this platform, it’s a diary. So I will just go ahead and tell my diary a little bit. Dear diary, I still watch the sky at night. Am actually a sucker of clear sky. It’s the only place I have never stopped thinking that I would never have crazy thoughts if only I could have a puff (cigarette not Bhang) accompanying my sky watching escapades. Since I cannot, I have to endure endless stupid thoughts by looking at the sky. Too much eroticism of the stars? I think maybe.
Every time I watch the sky dear diary, I always wish I was not doing it alone. I wish I was doing it with someone we connected so deeply. When young, especially during December holidays, we did it as a family. It was so deep. Learning about the sky for the first week then spending the rest of the weeks watching at the marvels of the far away twinkles. The enthusiasm that accompanied sporting of a shooting star was so deep. I still can feel that connection as I write this piece. Fast forward, I am all grown up. I do not know who I wish to watch the sky with but I know I just would like to have someone I connect to so deeply and special.
Dear diary, I know this is a girl thing but am hoping that I will have someone to do it with, maybe my son and his dad. My family just like mum taught her family.
Another component I have been thinking about so much is the power in an intense gaze. That kind that melts you yet you just can’t go away. That innocent gaze that reassures the heart that the bond you have will never be broken. Dear diary I am poorest at maintaining gazes, but I hope I can work on it. I once watched an episode of Dr.Phil on the power of a gaze, and I tried putting it into practice. It works, and the experience, if not prepared is scary. It may cause you to make all confessions or listen to confessions you might have rather lived without knowing. Dear diary, I just hope I will be up to the task when that time comes.
Back to the sky. I have had a precise interest in Orion the hunter. From it, I can locate Gemini (my birth star) . It’s been very hard to easily pick out Gemini and more often than not, I have had to settle gazing at Orion the hunter. It’s always a plus when the moon is full. It allows the mind to wander to unexplored territories. It allows me to have the TDH envisioning moment as long as I can maintain the stare. Am I the only only who never sees the face? I hope not. I wish I would. But I can always reminisce the good reveries that have come out of those sessions. Sessions where I feel bigger than being identified as an African woman. A free roaming spirit that explores the world. The hardest part, coming back to reality.
Why do I always think a puff would have been a good company? Dear diary, you see when I was growing up, a few of the coolest men, uncles to be precise, I admired were smokers. There was something about how they held the cigarettes, inhaled the toxic nicotine flavored tar and puff out some crispy white cloudy smoke. It was blown out in a very sexy way, the accompanying gaze as it arose to the skies very interesting. Maybe it would be so romantic to watch the smoke rise to the sky, then eureka! Bump into the sight of very beautiful stars. Too bad my dear diary, my chest is too weak for the nicotine stick . But no biggie, puff or no puff, I love the beautiful sky. The imagination of inhaling something that gives so much good feeling (just like deep breaths ) is calming , during exhalation, its like a feeling of getting out all the demons that have been making the heart so restless . Am actually taking some real deep breaths as i conclude this piece ; the tranquil is amazing