Fikira

Staying up most of the night thinking can at times be healthy. Thinking about me myself and I. It is funny how I have rarely taken time to think about me. Mostly, I will be thinking about someone or something. That is selfishness. I ought to think about me more often. And so why would I want to think about me? Do I really have to? Oh yes, I do. I have spent endless hours figuring out what people are but I have not done that to me I tend to think am extrovert but I have known me to recoil into a cocoon that I doubt if it’s me. I am so bold that I think I can almost do anything but in the same breath I rarely hold gazes. I don’t look into people’s eyes unless am on a mission.
One of the major things that I kept on thinking about was how I deal with pain. Induced emotional pain that mostly arises form let downs. My weakness is that I am very slow to getting it that I am hurt. You may do or say something hurtful that will take me up to one year to feel that you hurt me. It’s very sad that when it hits it’s so painful that I feel just not the pain but also hate, betrayed and let down. I usually try to figure out why you had to do it. During this period all I want is space. Physical space. I hate a cluttered space when am hurt. I hate dirt when am trying to deal with pain. I loathe disorganization when am pissed off.
Sometimes I tend to imagine physical pain is very bearable and yes I have induced it, not once, or twice just to try and substitute my emotional pain. I have not gone overboard to hurt myself so much but I have thought about it. Have you ever seen guys sweat out the pain? Or at times cry it out? Some fluid out of the body seems to go away with the pain. At times I tend to think since blood is thicker, a little shedding may take away all the pain (though I have never tried) . Unlike love break ups where somehow it’s the norm, little betrayals start a chain of betrayals that keep on haunting us for the rest of our lives. Below it just a little of my confession
“A few years back, we really din’t know each other. A few years back we turned into more than acquaintances. I don’t know what bonded us but it was a bond that he (let’s call him John), warned me against. This was because I was bitter with her (Damon). Damon had hurt me so much in the past. Though to date I have never had the strength to confront Damon, I got all the evidence to feel betrayed. It’s a thing to be betrayed by a friend but another to be hurt by a close friend. Before I dealt with my pain, I thought getting closest to Damon was the only way I could heal (read get even). John sat me down and explained the pros and cons of my decisions but I pretended that I just wanted to forget the past but not revenge as he put it. Deep down I knew I was lying to myself. John clearly explained the risk I was running into; being hurt all over again. I dismissed him and went ahead. For the few years I never had a plan, a revenge plan, despite watching all Revenge seasons. As much as I admire Emily, I just couldn’t borrow her basic revenge lesson, have a PLAN. I went in blindly. Luckily along the way I somehow got a way to hit back. To hit back I did. It was the sweetest feeling. The feeling that doesn’t last for long but as it lasts, it’s so nerve calming, I had, in one package, pricked Damon’s emotions, personality and pride. I had exposed the nativity and stupidity that had for so long been carefully concealed. It was bad. I felt bad every time I looked at how stupid Damon was. Trusting me (I thought so) yes I was getting my way. For as long as it lasted, it was the sweetest revenge I ever had. Damon is a fool. I could always do it again but I don’t want to. I think the best thing would be for me to speak out. To wail, curse, air my grievances. I just want Damon to that I know the cause of the pain I have endlessly aired. I want to do it but I just can’t .I live with the guilt of revenge I had. Along a revenge mission, maybe for a woman, we get emotional attachment. Didn’t Emily also somehow get too involved with the Grayson’s’? Mine may not be the exact Emily situation of a man and woman falling I love, getting married and divorce. Mine doesn’t involve putting a ring on it but I know when you play dirty, just know you won’t come out with sparkling clothes.”
I have listened to some audio from TD Jakes about letting go. I have listened to it over and over again. Truth be told, it isn’t as easy as clicking the play button of the audio. Letting go of something/someone that suffocates me has never been easy. But it reaches a time when you have to turn the key, open the door, get out lock the door and dump the key into the septic tank. You walk out your held high that you can suffer no more. It’s the feeling am finally getting after getting rid of some old clothes I have held on for so long. Get rid of anything that hurts you and embrace something that makes you happy. Turn on the music, put on your dance shoes and swirl your skirt. Life is too short to be stuck in mediocrity
N/B: By no means is any of the situations related to matters of the heart skirt. Life is too short to be stuck in mediocrity
N/B: By no means is any of the situations related to matters of the heart

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