Friend Zone Regrets !

Around 6.50pm one evening after leaving work having overstayed purposefully in order to pass some time. I had the best sprint in my foot. I remember passing by Nakumatt lifestyle and thought of buying something I knew not, so I bought nothing. It’s usually the case when I am nervous but this was exceptional. I did not have any expectations. In fact for the first time I exactly knew what I wanted, I trophy friend. I strode carelessly in town as I headed home. Luckily I finally met him. I remember me looking at the eyes and grinning. There is something about men who squint. He just did that. Men who stare at my eyes make me comfortable, and he did just that. it took less than 30 minutes to chat away like pals who have known each other for the longest time ever . I felt free to laugh; share m 7 kid family ambitions and dint really care much about what he might think of me. If it was love, I would say it was love at first sight.
It was easy to call him just to hear him chuckle (yes, chuckles are cute). We talked about nothing. Maybe I thought finally it was a free spirit like me. I loved anything about him. His frankness, his easy going attitude , ambition in life and above all , he went to church and was serious in regards to acknowledging that God is above all . He was not my kind of ideal guy (in terms of physique), but his brains were all I ever wanted. However, I all along knew this was a trophy friend.
Then one day I wake up, call him and he doesn’t pick up. He calls a few minutes later, he was in the shower. After the call I realize I am angry at him. Angry that he did not pick up my call. From that day I start enjoying the excuses whenever he could not do something I wanted. I then start enjoying late night calls, good morning messages. Still we kept our friendship well. I started noticing his smell, his way of dressing, I start noticing his smile, and the thought of it stars making me smile. This is my pal, keep in mind. We have a lot in common and so much differences but we always felt comfy with each other, or at least I was comfortable.
Ta day, a month, a few more months, and I realize my greatest mistake. I actually loved this guy, for this piece I call him Jesse*. Jesse was the first of my pals I have ever had more than just friend’s feelings so fast. Actually, I never fall in love with my boy pals, but this happened. The problem is me; I positioned myself as a pal when I got into this. I love him. I have dreamt of Jesse for so many nights. The first dude I ever pictured walking down the aisle with. The first man I have ever imagined what our children would look like. I have imagined how our families will bond. *am writing while tearing*. I imagined waking up every morning to his face, taking our kids to church together. I imagined preparing breakfast for him. I come to reality and wish I can just tell him how I feel. Something like
“Jesse I love you. You don’t need to reciprocate, love me back or feel sorry , just know I love you “
Ho I wish I could say that to him. I fear talking to him because I might be hoping too much that Jesse can’t provide. I regret friend zoning him. I regret not being in a position to tell him how I feel. I regret of not knowing much earlier what I was getting into. All I know is that I love him. I love Jesse for real (As Nairobi gals say it). I know we might never be together (but I believe in miracles) but all I know is that I will never forget the kiss we jokingly shared, it’s all the memory I can ever hold unto .


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