Friend Zone Regrets !

Around 6.50pm one evening after leaving work having overstayed purposefully in order to pass some time. I had the best sprint in my foot. I remember passing by Nakumatt lifestyle and thought of buying something I knew not, so I bought nothing. It’s usually the case when I am nervous but this was exceptional. I did not have any expectations. In fact for the first time I exactly knew what I wanted, I trophy friend. I strode carelessly in town as I headed home. Luckily I finally met him. I remember me looking at the eyes and grinning. There is something about men who squint. He just did that. Men who stare at my eyes make me comfortable, and he did just that. it took less than 30 minutes to chat away like pals who have known each other for the longest time ever . I felt free to laugh; share m 7 kid family ambitions and dint really care much about what he might think of me. If it was love, I would say it was love at first sight.
It was easy to call him just to hear him chuckle (yes, chuckles are cute). We talked about nothing. Maybe I thought finally it was a free spirit like me. I loved anything about him. His frankness, his easy going attitude , ambition in life and above all , he went to church and was serious in regards to acknowledging that God is above all . He was not my kind of ideal guy (in terms of physique), but his brains were all I ever wanted. However, I all along knew this was a trophy friend.
Then one day I wake up, call him and he doesn’t pick up. He calls a few minutes later, he was in the shower. After the call I realize I am angry at him. Angry that he did not pick up my call. From that day I start enjoying the excuses whenever he could not do something I wanted. I then start enjoying late night calls, good morning messages. Still we kept our friendship well. I started noticing his smell, his way of dressing, I start noticing his smile, and the thought of it stars making me smile. This is my pal, keep in mind. We have a lot in common and so much differences but we always felt comfy with each other, or at least I was comfortable.
Ta day, a month, a few more months, and I realize my greatest mistake. I actually loved this guy, for this piece I call him Jesse*. Jesse was the first of my pals I have ever had more than just friend’s feelings so fast. Actually, I never fall in love with my boy pals, but this happened. The problem is me; I positioned myself as a pal when I got into this. I love him. I have dreamt of Jesse for so many nights. The first dude I ever pictured walking down the aisle with. The first man I have ever imagined what our children would look like. I have imagined how our families will bond. *am writing while tearing*. I imagined waking up every morning to his face, taking our kids to church together. I imagined preparing breakfast for him. I come to reality and wish I can just tell him how I feel. Something like
“Jesse I love you. You don’t need to reciprocate, love me back or feel sorry , just know I love you “
Ho I wish I could say that to him. I fear talking to him because I might be hoping too much that Jesse can’t provide. I regret friend zoning him. I regret not being in a position to tell him how I feel. I regret of not knowing much earlier what I was getting into. All I know is that I love him. I love Jesse for real (As Nairobi gals say it). I know we might never be together (but I believe in miracles) but all I know is that I will never forget the kiss we jokingly shared, it’s all the memory I can ever hold unto .

BOY-FIE

Birthday week is here ,,Hallelujah!!!!! I will be officially a year older … its usually a good feeling huh? Its also my mothers Jubilee birthday,a real golden gift she is . I started the week reading blogs . I *accidentally* stumble on Wanjiru Ngethe blog. I am not into fashion so i went to personal . The article Boy-Fie caught my eye . For all those asking how my weekend was , here is the answer ,, 

Do u have that one old boyfriend, that you still think about as a potential husband or better placed future boyfriend? Well… I do, my best friends girlfriend also has one which at the moment is awkward information to hold and to keep as both parties (my best friend and her girlfriend) have put some level of trust in me. I know first come first serve but then as long as it’s doing no harm to both of them the information I think for now it is better as it is.

Out of topic a little but am back. My old boyfriend *in subject is called Davis and is an attractive man, although he doesn’t top the list of the men I have had affairs with, don’t judge, Taylor swift is a family name and she’s done it more. Anyway, on a scale of 10 he could be a 6.5 of all the attractive guys I have been with, but surprising there is something about him that just pulls the hell and heavens out of me to his home. This is not something hard to explain and I bet by the end if this article all my friends will be texting or emailing me ‘’it’s him right?’’ and yes darlings almost all of you will be right, well, everyone f you will be, those that know me obviously not those that here about me.

This is ending up as the story of the man I have loved the longest, i got to know him when he was just a boy but I will cut the long story of his adolescent stages to his early adulthood where we actually got to have the opportunity to experience and share our lives and like love birds tend to phrase, we felt, believed and become soul mates, well I still don’t know if that is still applicable but once in a while he throws that punch line when we are good friends in need and in a chat mode.

Just a few seconds before I started writing this I want to start a chat with him, get to probably know how he is, what he is doing and hopefully get to hear from him (sweetly) and then end up telling him we cannot be but in my heart happy that he still has a special spot for me in his amazing and incredible heart. So am guessing you wondering why I keep pushing him away if his words still have n impact in me. I will tell, just like men, we women also love a little push and pull, I know he loves me and its easy love, I know we can be together and both of us probably believe that one day it will be a walk the aisle kind of relationship, at least sometimes I do, when we texting and my heart blocks my mind.

So today just before my heart got selfish, I remembered am in a relationship, with a guy I will tell you all about very soon. I don’t want to be that person in a relationship that’s being unfaithful, I have been and I have had someone become that person in a relationship with me that person. This time I have made that decision to respect the relationship I am in, I have decided to not let the old boyfriend shoulder a comfort zone and will do all it takes to move past the fantasy, even if all it takes is a blog of emotions and heartfelt messages to myself and hopefully a follower that feels the same way as I do.

So to my old boyfriend, chaos!!!

 

 

 

 

Cherished Memories

I don’t know which between an anniversary and birthday has more memories. But for this year, it’s one particular birthday .On 17th May ought to have been my lil brothers’, Desmond Mulindi,  20th birthday. The first birthday as a non-teenager. We were all looking forward to this day. Normally it would be filled with laughter as we would have officially welcome the last born to team bamba 20, as we normally refer to it as a family . I would text him in the morning. As the day progressed, my mum would remind my sis and I that our dear lil bro is turning 20. I think My mum would send him some money, telling him to buy something nice to himself. My Siz would probably send him airtime and spend endless hours chatting. I still don’t know what I may have done but most likely, I would be heading for my leave. So I would buy him something, or take him out or maybe if leave would not go through I surely would have gotten a “proper way” to say happy birthday.
We would reminisce days when he was a toddler. How he would dress like a girl. And ohh! There was a time there was cholera break out. Our house help cooked omena. After eating, she told us that we would die of cholera,,, still can remember how Dessy cried begging her to take him to our family doc . He was probably 4 years then, looking back, I can’t help smile.
Am sure he would brag of how much of man he has grown into. He would jokingly demand that we address him as a man. He would remind us that he was only two years away from graduation (he was to complete 2nd year in April). He most likely would get a gift from his girlfriend. Together with his two friends, he would pick his girl, and go somewhere to talk, no far from her home. His friends would keep watch just in case her dad appeared (he never approved of the relationship).
I am imagining what he would wear that day. Most likely jeans, a t-shirt, “cap standing”, converse shoes. He would take some photos to keep memories of the day. He would break our curfew hour (8.00 pm) . Maybe he would come back home at 10.00 pm with the most guilty face ever. He would eat in silence while stealing glances at mum. When the timing was perfect, he would break the ice. And within no time, it would be laughter galore. Being one of the May babies, we would go to bed so happy,,, looking forward to another birthday ,only a week after his.
Since this will never happen, I am happy that I wrote this piece smiling. This means that I have so much to celebrate about my brothers’ life. The pain in inevitable but the memories will forever be engraved in our hearts and our minds

Finally , The Crush Is Real

When I grow up , i wanna date a TDH (tall dark and handsome) guy, have a fairy tale wedding , go for a fortnight wedding, have many children and live happy ever after . Thats pretty what i thought my love life would be . I also thought that my first first love would be my soul mate, my husband, the father of my children and we would grow old together. I will be celebrating my 24th  birthday next week and one of the top re-evaluation agenda is my love life . 

It is funny how despite growing up, being “liberated ” from old beliefs, immersed in technology world, most of my first thoughts of what my love life would be like are still my fantasies to date . I still see my family and I being close knit,, my kids having the tightest bond with their grand parents ,,blah! blah!blah! its an endless list .

Before then I still know that i will have the *sign* of a go ahead for marriage. No kidding . The most stupid however might be wedding idea. I have been getting so many crazy ideas. … N’way why am I writing all these ? It might sound stupid . Of late i finally had a real crush (forget Lewis Hamilton, Rodger Federer or Redsan), this is someone i have interacted with for a long time . He has been my friend for a long time. Now i no longer see him as a brother , he escaped my friend zone !!! I still dont know how. 

He is my screen saver. I see care in every word utters to me , i can recall the twinkle in his eyes the first day we talked. His wry smile . I can smell him from a far … I can know when he has had a hair cut , shaved his beard or even bought a new belt. i know when he used a nail cutter or his teeth to groom his nail. But this should be stupid because when friendzoning , i was quite sure i would never be caught up in this madness . Sometime we become slaves of our emotions and when we find someone who makes you smile amidst tears,talk when all you want is lock up and cry , ask about how you are doing when no one else does, we tend to quickly get attached. That person who gives a hug when you need it most or tell you a white lie  when you need it  will immediately take your heart into captivity . 

Currently all i need is have that one person to spend time with as a true friend.He has , as a friend, what i would take ages to get in any other friend. But looking back i know this is not what i have always wanted for a hubby , this is what i have wanted for a friend . someone who i can tell anything but he doesn’t judge me. Its a point in life where you turn to your better half (common sense and brains) for consultation. And for me , i also choose to seek the Lord. And let  his will be done . As for this moment, its Hurray, at last got some real crush!!!! 

ME, THE FIXER

It’s been a while since I got inspiration to write. As I previously wrote, I always write when either extremely sad or happy. However today, am inspired to write after a whole worship session and testimony. From the testimony, I realized one thing; I have all my life struggled to be a fixer. I may acknowledge it to being first born .I have thought I can always fix everyone and everything. I have always thought that I have a solution to all the problems. I have been quite prayerful since I was very young. I know that we can only do all through Christ. I know that I cannot fix anything without God. However I would always act on my instinct and adrenaline to solve a situation.
I have always wanted to see all those around me happy. I thought I had a solution all my problems. My dad died when I was very young. Though it has been a grueling journey to accept it, it somehow made me a “brick”. I tend to bar the pain, emotions and reaction; I always try to jump all the hurdles. I see myself a pillar. This is wrong. When I remain alone, I cry myself to see thinking it’s a solution. I have had to do things am not proud of just to be ok.
Things happened in my life in December 2013, I would call Gods’ intervention. My life was in turmoil and I decided to pray and proclaim something upon my life on 1/1/2014. Looking back, I thank God for taking the lead. It has not been the best 1st quarter of any year in my entire life. Through all, I thank God for making me realize that he is my anchor. 2nd cor 4:8-9 and 1st cor 10:13 are the verses that have kept me going. I now see more sense in psalms 23. I find more reason to worship, pray and internalize sermons. I am making baby steps in a new territory of just not being a good Christian but a project of Jesus teachings. It no longer looks awkward to shout an Amen in public.
Somethings happen to us to break us, test our faith and make us stronger. I am working towards making myself resign to Gods will and work towards have the unwavering faith. Learn not to question God but praise him. It’s the hardest thing I have my whole life. I know his promises are yes and Amen. I know that I will not fear for he is with me.
I just wanna encourage all going through hardships in life. We may not have the friend to talk to. We may lose the ones we love. We may not have a human being to lean on but in Prov 3:5-6 we are encouraged not to lean on our understanding. His burden is light, so let’s allow him to help us. I am saying this because I understand Christ wholly, no. but I have decided to open myself to Christ. I want him to take charge of my life. I want him to use me for is glory. It’s never late. You can never know until you resign yourself to the will of God. It all starts with prayer, praise and worship. And to grow, fellowship with brethren who have the same mission and vision, to know Christ more.