Does love suck this much ?

like every little girl or boy, love hits you at one point in life . At least mostly in your teenage hood. I consider myself a late bloom because the whole boyfriend / girlfriend thing never excited me at all throughout my teenage years. In high school, I had those boys I kept writing to, but can’t say what it was. Unlike as known to most of my pals that I am the most outgoing and bold person, I am a super shy and reserved kind. To date, I feel very embarrassed when I see interest from someone. If you see me talking comfortably, holding a gaze or a twirl (think I have done that countable time in my life) it’s my way to counteract the reserved side of me. I rarely do stares, not even with my mom or siblings.

Back to my first love,,mmhhhhh! Still not sure if it was love or let me call it my first defined boyfriend. I liked his voice! Sounds weird! Yes am that girl who has a lot of taking when it comes to physical attributes but this time round , I think I just wanted to feel this love thingy . So when I looked at him, I blocked my checklist in terms of looks and concentrated on how well he articulated his words. At 19, I had finally found the man of my dreams. That night I dreamt about me telling all that I was in love. I smiled nonstop.  Since my mom is my BFF, there I was, pouring an event after another at the breakfast table the next day. She was happy. At least as a mother, she was happy I was straight and normal and gave the signs to bear a grandchild someday.

I remember how I wanted to spend every minute with him but my big ego was a good regulator. My ego never allowed me to change for him (I am super grateful for that). It’s also the time I found out that i needed to be closer to God, more than ever. I wanted the sign to know if he is “the guy”. I wanted to live in the bliss forever.

Having been the “independent woman” type, it was easy for him to deal with me. I was less demanding and said my thoughts as they were. This was love? Day in day out and my feminine side grew. I wanted a lover, a friend and a partner. I wanted to be treated like a queen but still have my “macho” side intact. I wanted to be shown how I mattered, how important I was, how delicate my body and heart is and be reminded that there was a man in the relationship. This was not something I had anticipated. I promised myself in the entire life that I would never be hurt, attached or get jealous. Why all this now? Your guess is as good as mine. I think I was in love. But hey, hold on. I had my checklist of what I wanted in a lover. After a long time since I met him (time in years), I went back to what I ought to have done on the first day . Lay down clearly what I expected and choose if I wanted to pursue it or not.  I started evaluating what had happened based on the script that was not followed. My stupidity had overgrown my first ever ponytail in more that fifteen years. i was blind to my feelings that not even my specs could have aided in seeing the truth .

Being a Gemini, I knew I had the power to turn things to what I wanted. Being a woman, I had the ability to manipulate. My tomboyish side had the power to tolerate but the me inside had the power to choose. To come to  a decision , I had to have a meeting with my feelings, ambitions, strategies , experience, ego, needs and my brains.  I am not sure what the outcome was is or will be but what I am sure of, never get into something you don’t know what is it. It does not harm to say what you want; this will keep you from building sky crappers using sticks and mud.  From my pastor, Mr. Waweru, It’s important to fall in love with your friend because there is 100% chance you share 80% of your ambitions.


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