Does love suck this much ?

like every little girl or boy, love hits you at one point in life . At least mostly in your teenage hood. I consider myself a late bloom because the whole boyfriend / girlfriend thing never excited me at all throughout my teenage years. In high school, I had those boys I kept writing to, but can’t say what it was. Unlike as known to most of my pals that I am the most outgoing and bold person, I am a super shy and reserved kind. To date, I feel very embarrassed when I see interest from someone. If you see me talking comfortably, holding a gaze or a twirl (think I have done that countable time in my life) it’s my way to counteract the reserved side of me. I rarely do stares, not even with my mom or siblings.

Back to my first love,,mmhhhhh! Still not sure if it was love or let me call it my first defined boyfriend. I liked his voice! Sounds weird! Yes am that girl who has a lot of taking when it comes to physical attributes but this time round , I think I just wanted to feel this love thingy . So when I looked at him, I blocked my checklist in terms of looks and concentrated on how well he articulated his words. At 19, I had finally found the man of my dreams. That night I dreamt about me telling all that I was in love. I smiled nonstop.  Since my mom is my BFF, there I was, pouring an event after another at the breakfast table the next day. She was happy. At least as a mother, she was happy I was straight and normal and gave the signs to bear a grandchild someday.

I remember how I wanted to spend every minute with him but my big ego was a good regulator. My ego never allowed me to change for him (I am super grateful for that). It’s also the time I found out that i needed to be closer to God, more than ever. I wanted the sign to know if he is “the guy”. I wanted to live in the bliss forever.

Having been the “independent woman” type, it was easy for him to deal with me. I was less demanding and said my thoughts as they were. This was love? Day in day out and my feminine side grew. I wanted a lover, a friend and a partner. I wanted to be treated like a queen but still have my “macho” side intact. I wanted to be shown how I mattered, how important I was, how delicate my body and heart is and be reminded that there was a man in the relationship. This was not something I had anticipated. I promised myself in the entire life that I would never be hurt, attached or get jealous. Why all this now? Your guess is as good as mine. I think I was in love. But hey, hold on. I had my checklist of what I wanted in a lover. After a long time since I met him (time in years), I went back to what I ought to have done on the first day . Lay down clearly what I expected and choose if I wanted to pursue it or not.  I started evaluating what had happened based on the script that was not followed. My stupidity had overgrown my first ever ponytail in more that fifteen years. i was blind to my feelings that not even my specs could have aided in seeing the truth .

Being a Gemini, I knew I had the power to turn things to what I wanted. Being a woman, I had the ability to manipulate. My tomboyish side had the power to tolerate but the me inside had the power to choose. To come to  a decision , I had to have a meeting with my feelings, ambitions, strategies , experience, ego, needs and my brains.  I am not sure what the outcome was is or will be but what I am sure of, never get into something you don’t know what is it. It does not harm to say what you want; this will keep you from building sky crappers using sticks and mud.  From my pastor, Mr. Waweru, It’s important to fall in love with your friend because there is 100% chance you share 80% of your ambitions.

Is this stealing or taking ?

Often at times have we been caught in a situation that we wish it was just a dream. A situation where we wanted something that we knew wholly belonged to someone . we dint want to share it or rather the owner would never allow us to share it but since the urge was so much , we have to get it .

I have been in the shoe. There was this mango i wanted so badly , not that i was starving or it was the ripest mango or neither the juiciest but i just wanted to have it . For no particular reason but just to prove to my ego that i can have all that i want . This mango was not on the tallest tree, it was within my reach but the problem is that the owner knew that it existed and would know if  I dare pluck it . So what do i do ? My selfishness got better of me and i decided to have it no matter the consequence . I go ahead and lay possible ways to have the mango and still go un noticed by the owner. possible ways are

  • use a needle to siphon out the juice and let the fruit wither on the branch
  • pluck the mango and drop another on the ground to confuse the owner and make him think its his
  • help the owner harvest it then take it ans we moved along

the last option was the inevitable . Have the mango no matter the consequences and deny the farmer the satisfaction of the fate of the mango . being a rather considerate person , i decide to let the owner have benefit of doubt . the mango, I must have, but the owner MUST know the fate of his mango ( withered or harvested) . for this reason i choose the needle . Yes the needle used to prick your fleshy bum .

its a tedious and long process but since my eyes are focused on the prize, its worth the pain and enduring it is . when i go to the chemist to buy the needle , i lie that i got a patient who needs insulin shots and am out of needles and bingo! i get my plans underway . along the way i realize that there is no way i will extract the juice from the  mango using the needle , even if it were rotting . so what now ? My appetite and greed cant hold it anymore. i want the mango, and very fast . i decide to give myself time and lay down the strategy. One of the things i realized i had skipped was research. what type is the mango, how does it taste, from the kitchen  how i can in cooperate it in making my salads, or drinks and the nutritional benefit . so i decided it doesn’t harm to do both a background and a rain check .

finally armed with all the information i realized i had been a fool all along . despite the fact that the owner looks at the fruit everyday , he knows that he cant know how many fruits are on the mango tree. he also understands that some animals and birds feed on the same. at the end of the day he is sure that after the “little” losses , he always gets his portion o the harvest. riddle cracked !

this is what i did. i made sure that the owner was out of the vicinity , went into his territory , plucked that mango and disguised traces of my presence and went back to my home. I cut the mango into pieces and experimented with it as a slice of fruit, part of salad, as mango juice or in cocktail juice. i even flavored my milk shake with it . since we discover new recipes every day , as long as the mango tree lives , i foresee myself getting more mangoes and enjoy the new delicacies !

Dear mango, i don’t want to  have you stolen but thats the only way i can satisfy my greed as long as it last.. Till next time when i want to have my fruit cake and you as a component or your flesh as decoration on my desert, i will enjoy the apple, my favorite fruit .

Dating Weirds

its funny how i never want to talk about my dating life . i still don’t want to but watching zoe Hart in the series Hart of Dixie got me all inspired . And anyway , what is there to tell. i think i almost got nothing but eeh? wait . just remembered some tit bits . this is not the real relationship thing but had a few drama moments. i remember towards last year , my first and last worst date i had. i am a tea totaler and had had to hit the bar on my first date . we had the norms , some Nyama choma and managed to wash down with red bull. but during all this time i was really looking for a job so when a pal of him showed up with some prospects , i jumped into maximizing the opportunity rather than concentrate on my date . on leaving i hit the table accidentally and hell broke loose . broken bottles and glasses, messed up clothes and the attention from the rest of the customers . i literally dragged myself out on the 4 inch blocks i had worked so hard on learning to walk in . the rest is history and we never met again.

but my most relishing was one i was set up. we got to know each other while watching a rather boring epl match of the team i support, Chelsea and cant remember which other team . my spirits were quite on the lower end and my adrenaline was packed. then came the disaster part , a real date . in knowing each other i happened to mention that i do all sports except cricket and he thought was funny , and maybe a lie . So happens one day where the weekend is full of Football, tennis, formula one and rugby . between a date and watching the sports, your guess is right with what i chose. my sports come first , no excuse . thinking that i might be feigning , he decided to keep tabs through the alleged matchmaker , and he disappeared without trace until the day i was invited to his wedding .

then there is the romantic boy . trust me i never knew that if brought flowers, you need to smell them , look for a  vase and keep them somewhere safe for the longest . instead i started picking the petals right away . complained of how i had my teeth massacre because of sweets in reference to chocolate .

i sucked at it until the first day i tried putting on make up. thats was a revelation that being a woman is a responsibility . and being a lady, is a learning process and am definitely in class

 

2014 my Way

yeeeeaaayyy! its 2014 ! thanks be to God i am still alive . am so blessed to see the 24th 1st January in my life. 2013 was  a year i remember more for the good. its the first year i had a job for the entire year . way my first year to attend in the super bike trophy . was my first year to live entirely on my own . Was my first year i was single, at least since i left high school . Was my first year to ride in most of my dream cars and sample some of my must have have bikes . was my first year i bought myself some a gadget (yes, i suck at electronics, i own gifts) .  pretty to say, it was a year of many firsts.

as this year begins, I hope that it will be a greater one . i have many things i look forward to .However , i feel there are some that i will prioritize

  1. learn tithing faithfully. it is a challenge that i always fail at . but am gonna pray and hope for a breakthrough this year
  2. give , give, give. i want it to be year i bless souls .  especially with children
  3. Improve my relationship with God. i have realized that the deeper i connect with God, the more ability and strength i have to tackle life
  4. see my mama more . of the 365 days in 2013, i spent only 15 with her
  5. Change my wardrobe . 2013 was a year i realized that i could still rock my feminine side without eliminating my tomboy touch
  6. Ride and drive . no more excuse
  7. and lastly,,, go on a real holiday,,,,,and get a toe massage while looking into sunset ,

as i look at this list, i know that all is possible. with hard work, discipline , dedication and above all prayer, i will achieve . so help me God ,,,