BOB

When we met, Bob had just discovered that his then girlfriend and now wife was cheating on him while my husband now ex-husband was cheating on me. We had gone for a common friend’s birthday party and ended up sitting next to each other. He seemed so unusually quiet for someone at a party so I started a small talk. We ended up talking through the night. A decade has not erased the details of that conversation in my mind. We talked about work, growing up and friendship. The friendship was hilarious as we described the specific relationships we had with individuals in our circles. It was a very honest conversation, a refreshing one. We exchanged contacts in the morning when he dropped my friend and I at home. From then, we talked on phone nonstop. We texted through the day and had the longest phone calls late into the night. My husband lived in another town and we only saw each other on weekends. His girlfriend had enrolled in a medical school as a trainee nurse and visited only on weekends. It was easy to talk through the weekdays.

One weekend after visiting my husband and fighting over him sleeping around with friends of my friends, I came back to the city with a resolve to cheat too. See, it was easier for me to have walked away but I was not ready to be a divorcee barely into my 30s. We did not have kids yet but we were trying. I was planning to quit my job at the end of that year. It was something we had planned out. This however did not stop him from hitting on and eventually sleeping with two of my friends’ friends and other women I learned of from texts, calls and to my surprise, his friend too. So when I came back to to the city and jokingly told Bob about it, he replied that he wanted to be the man I cheated on my husband with. Not that our conversations were not flirtatious enough and calls filled with sexual undertones, we just had not gotten an ice breaker. My husband was my first love and never had I ever dreamed that I would have cheated on him. I was home and done matters dating and always blamed the distance for his philandering ways.  For over two years, I cheated too. It was fun, honest and rejuvenating. I found comfort in Bob. I glowed and he flourished not just physically but in every aspect of life. I got new perspectives of life. He challenged my comfort zone, picked me up when I fell and was always there to celebrate my successes. I sat in for him in his businesses when he traveled without a second thought. I picked our bills without feeling it was a burden. I never felt obligated to repay whatever he gave me. In the second year of our rendezvous during my hushed smooth divorce process, I was so at peace partly because of Bob. It felt good to have sought “revenge” with a man who gave me reason to love without reservations. Bob never dumped his girlfriend though. She was a gem who despite being a student, ran businesses and supplemented their income. She encouraged him to invest and chipped in to top up deficits. Bob and I loved her. She never knew I existed.

After the divorce, we decided to call it quits because I knew with my husband out of the way, I would want more. We discussed it and agreed it was the best thing to do. Wasn’t easy and severally we got back together. One morning, I found out that his girlfriend was expecting their first child and it really hit home that whatever we kept on sneaking around about was no more. I moved to a new city to start afresh. Looking back of how I got married and divorced without my family knowing is still a mystery. My ex-husband and I ended up working at the same company. We don’t talk about the past as he is married with two children. He is a good colleague but he has never been able to keep it in his pants. I may have had a very smooth divorce process but the divorce decree haunts me every time I look at it. My therapist told me to allow myself to mourn my dead marriage but I think I am yet to let myself to. By writing this, I hope to allow myself grieve, forgive my ex-husband but most importantly, forgive myself. Forgive my self looks like a non-issue but here is what I have learned through therapy;

  1. I should forgive myself for making excuses of issues in my marriage including hubbys’ cheating.
  2. Forgive myself for staying when I should have walked.
  3. Forgive myself for getting into a marriage that was a secrete; there was no introductions or dowry.
  4. Learn to admit that I did wrong by cheating and I should forgive myself for that.
  5. Above all, get closure that the marriage meant a lot to me , that I was broken when it ended and I need to move into the future with no baggage.

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Taking Stock – July 2019

I am going through a season. The season is called “THE WISH SEASON”. My mind is all over the place wishing for so many things. I have been watching a lot of home building and décor videos and my appetite and yearn for high walls home of my own has become crazy. I am really praying that God opens doors very soon . A place I can wake up at 3:00 am when sleep is playing hide and seek to write , read or just work on pending things. Travel is another of those things that  my finances seem to run away from. I honestly really need to travel and explore thingdeets. Maybe I really need to periodically get away from my place of stay because I get “suffocated” so easily. Drives work for me. I never underestimate the power of a good drive with the sun hitting the face or cold on the cheeks. Anyway, too much digression. Let’s dig into the intention of this post.

Making: A lot of breakfast recipe options. I have discovered that I get so much nausea in the morning which is making me eat more later into the day and night. Need to curb this.

Cooking: More traditional vegetables and cereals.

Drinking:  Lemon tea in the morning and green tea at night.

Reading: A lot of marketing journals and company profiles because I have to.

Wanting: A get away in the wild or desert.

Looking forward to: September.

Playing : A lot of random Kenyan music.

Wasting time on social media. I promise myself to unplug in September.

Wishing that I would wake up to breakfast in bed with coffee as a beverage option served by someone’s son. Overlooking some nature/woods would be a very big bonus.

Waiting on the outcome of something. Fingers crossed that it goes smoothly.

Enjoying the little realness and emotional touch that is growing on me. Feeling moments that I would rather have blocked out.

Liking : My natural hair journey. I never knew I could get away with “matuta” to work .

Loving : Anything with chocolate or wild berries smell. I realized that I really like the feeling of using a wild berries flavored shower gel , apply some baby glycerin from head to toe and a little cocoa butter oil on my hands before bed. During those moments, I always believe that I am my own snack.

Hoping : That I will get to travel to a few places before end of this year.

Marveling  at my skin. A little attention to the skin can do magic.

Needing new books that is not anywhere in my budget. The Moment of Lift by Melinda Gates and This is Marketing by Seth Godin

Smelling ; Lemon from the slices in my drinking water

Wearing : A sky blue dress. This is an only sky blue dresses week. I have noticed that I am a sky/Bermuda blue and grey girl.

Noticing that I have added quite a lot of weight in the last 4 months and I am absolutely loving it. However, I will not maintain for long because my fitness and flexibility is in the gutters.

Knowing that I have a lot of things that I need to change but I gotta trust the process.

Thinking about how I keep on being in denial about something 😉

Feeling a bit more expressive in the past few months. More like I don’t care much about the judgment . I really wanna stay true and honest to myself

Bookmarking sites with black and white or black and ash grey house décor color schemes

Opening nothing. Maybe this page I am writing on.

Giggling  at how little things are giving me pleasure.

,,,,,I hope and pray that this second half of the year will be kind to you and I…..

Lost Control

I have a growing love for country music. Maybe because I feel like reggae, the story lines are so relatable.Kathryn Lang’s ANYWHERE BUT HERE ( as a suggestion while listening to Chris Cagle’s Anywhere But Here) , is one song most played in my library at the moment. Here is a bit of it…

All too often the dreams I’ve dreamed have died.
And all too often I’m never satisfied.
A chance of freedom, a chance of fate, a chance I’ll take.

IMG_20180304_165417_553These lyrics spoke and continue to speak to me. I have lost so much control over a couple of very important things in my life. I do package myself for the world always but sometimes I really wanna shout on top of my voice that I am a wreck though I cannot. This is because in all the moments I have felt that I have lost the grip, I have discovered that I still have so much control over other aspects; which sometimes mattered more than what I have control over. It’s funny that listening to the song always gives me this feeling of traveling in an off road truck, cowboy look while smoking and blowing out of the window leisurely. In the background would be some rock. That I would drive off into the farm and never settle in the city again. Funny because I do not smoke nor am I crazy about rock music. I however have a deep thing for trucks and farms. In all this, I envision that there would be someone who would think that I am crazy going to settle on a farm and he/she would have known what a wreck I was while leaving and they would be concerned enough to want to know how I am doing. .I don’t know. I think I day dream a lot too much sometimes, but those moments are so vivid that I swear I have smelled fresh earth and freshly cut grass in those reverie escapees.

I may not have control over a lot of things in my life and that is okay. My built walls will not protect me from the harm that I have caused myself. I may not be ready yet to seek help, stop living in some lies, take the biggest risk that stares at me every single second of my life or live the dreams I have, but I have taken the first step to know that I have lost control. I put up a good people pleasing, self-sabotaging,  fit in, society conforming, people worshiping, second guessing and many more personal fights, but I lost, all. I thought that living in certain way would make people happy an make me happy too. That taking on and fighting fights not meant for me would ease the impact of any pain that may arise from it. Guess what? I was super-duper wrong.

There is a lot of information I consume from the internet and books. One that I have deliberately pursued this year is opening me to reading, listening and watching things that will disrupt my normal especially from the basic point of view. I knew it was dangerous space I wanted to explore but I just went in. I am accepting the little girl in me who is vulnerable and so strong in equal measure. The girl who is unique . The woman who puts her interests first before the standards set in the environment she exists in. That this woman is flawed, damaged and has lost control on things she thought she had control over and is willing and working on them. That the woman this girl wants to be is one who is free and true to herself. The bondage of lies and truths will not stop me from becoming who I am. The scars I have and may get will not define my destiny though they may come at a cost. That at some point people I love so much & hold close to my heart will go, I will let them go and that I will have to make peace with that. They may never understand nor will I but it will be important for me. At some point,  what I think  I cannot do without will mean absolutely nothing and my health and happiness will come first. Shame and failures will not define what I want to be because I have to let go to become.

Dear Doris, you are not perfect, you are human. Get that and I cannot promise that it will be easy but it will be worth. Do not loose focus , don’t get drowned in the moment; just keep your eyes on the price. Being scared is alright darling, it shows that you are human. Do not be scared, it will alright. God will see you through everything. Yes some people will go but be rest assured those who will remain will be enough and if not, God will send those who matter your way. Biggest one Doris; FORGIVE. The wounds may still be raw, the scars too big but you really need to let go. Those were their mistakes, forgive yourself for putting yourself in bondage. You are stronger than you think baby girl, a step at a time. Do not give up on yourself and those that matter, as your boss says “hang in there a little longer, its only a matter of time”. Seek and accept help when you need it. Be happy . Life is too short to live a miserable one .

PERMISSION GRANTED! Saying YES to Myself

Growing up is an interesting journey. It is not a guarantee so you just live through it. Though one may plan, tomorrow is never guaranteed and at times we are forced to deal with the cards we are handed. The journey will never be smooth no matter what, always a bump here , a scratch there , broken hearts and dream shattered but we always keep on going. My journey has not been any different. I have had the best of both worlds; the good and the bad. May is a mental health awareness month and the messages shared on different platforms have really made me think about so many things in my life. I have never been clinically diagnosed and/or treated with a mental illness but my mind surely has gone through a lot. For a long time, I have worked really hard on a few issues one of them being ACCEPTANCE. At times I seek validation from or in people but I have learned to tell myself that I am enough. I do not deal well with rejection, which I have faced so many times in my life, and the battle to not take rejection too personal has been HARD WORK to say the least. Here are few areas where I am still work in progress but I can say I am really proud of the steps I have made

Family

I grew up in a home where my mother would lie with us on a mat and gaze at the sky at night while trying to identify constellations. This was bliss. However, I really battled with the fact that my paternal side of the family actually kicked us out of our home. One time while in class four (4) or Five (5) I think, my grandpa came to “close” our house in the morning complete with a wooden bar, nails and a hammer. My mom was seeing us off to school and I clearly remember her telling me to take my siblings to school then she sat on a water container that was at the door. I did not know where we would go after school but lucky to say we came back “home” and managed three more years until enough was enough. African society is a patriarchy one and I would never have imagined that at some point, one could do such a thing to their own son’s children. For a long time, I looked for the wrongs we did to deserve such. I got tired at some point and decided to look at the sacrifices my mom had made, the love she showed us and the way she fought so hard so that the “bullets” would never hit us. I have worked and still working on the fact that family is not necessarily blood. I have met such awesome people who are family. I do not need my paternal affiliations to have an identity. I carry my dad’s name Kisahi so proudly because for the six years I shared with my dad, I was always safe, catered for and put first. His kins maybe trash but my dad wanted me and he was there. I accept that things did not turn out as he wanted but he chose the best mother for my siblings and I and for that , I will be eternally grateful. I have my biological family that loves and appreciates me, just like the family I have met or will meet. I belong.

Self-Image

I was a late bloomer, I am extremely shy and a tom boy. Over the years since my early years in school, I never really had female friends. I was always alive in male circles full of banters, menial jobs, sports and mischief. I was never really welcome in female circles because it always has been too much work being a lady for me. I wanted to be able to do girl stuff, gossip or put on make-up but I fell off the bandwagon as soon as I subscribed. My mom probably knew every boy/man who tried to have a thing with me till 25 I think. She still does here most of it. I never wanted relationships because I knew at some point we would have sex and I would get pregnant. How could a 16 year old without boobs feed a baby? This made me really doubt what intentions of any man were towards me. I was not a “lady” thus question why one would want to date me? With time though, I learned that we like different things in different people, that I was shy but quite good with addressing crowds and that my fear for heels was just that, fear. That A little lip balm and earrings were okay. Still a journey but I know for sure this was a core turning point of so many things in my life. This did boost my self-esteem and confidence in ways I did not expect.

Dating

I will not delve into exact details but here are a few reasons why I have been rejected when relationships started becoming serious or were so serious and “serious” talks were happening. Mark you, this for relationships that were, not at the wooing stage.

  • Not being Christian enough because I go to bars to watch sports and at times what I put is not “Godly”
  • I was not a Muslim enough for the family; duh! A victim more than twice and you would think I learned my lessons. Ohh boy! I never learn
  • That I was too bold and too ambitious. I was so mad at this for a long time to be honest. How does one change this?I may be unreasonable at times but there is NO WAY I will stop dreaming just because someone else in uncomfortable. By the way, this makes me a bit of a workaholic.
  • For being not cultured enough to be a wife because I suggested a day time movie for our  dating anniversary date. Cultured wives, where do people go on first dates? I am will to work on this one
  • For ordering wine on a date. See, funny bit about me is that the people I have really liked the first  time I met them are teetotalers . Mostly because religion is one big aspect for me in a relationship which to most translates to zero alcohol.This is one bit of my life that I gave myself permission from the word go. If I am to date anyone which may mean a lifetime commitment at some point, I will be so real. I am not the kind of lady who will pull surprises on you later on. I will be me from the word go, take is or leave it because that is exactly what I expect too.  I have a very easy time dating.

Career/Work

Now this is the current top on my list. Those people who know me know how good I am at what I do. Be it academics, tasks assigned or my baby projects. I will put in everything to give my best. I am yet to know if at times this is the best approach to everything in my career because the rejections I have had, oh my God, they have really dealt a good on me. I have worked on businesses that I have invested so much and gotten out with just debts. I have put in 48 hours of no sleep on some work, presented got turned down then the organization implemented EVERYTHING I presented and hired a friend to run with it though honestly happy that execution was a nightmare and has never been fully realized. I have been employed, worked so hard and gotten raw deals. At some point, I was so hurt that I just stopped. My body and mind shut down for a while. I thank God for these talks that I do attend because at the end of the day I am very young and still have a long way in my career. I can only get better. My employer or business partners do not define my success. I am the brand so irrespective of where I am, I need to work on me, equip me and add value to myself. This is a big motivation even on the days I have wanted to buy one way ticket and never come back to Kenya. On the days I feel unappreciated , I write a list of things that I have learned or gained related to the situation I feel so bad about . I keep a log of things I learn and I affirm. I work on me because I can not draw out enough to feed my career thirst if I have nothing to draw from. I have to be a well of knowledge.

I do hope that with the little I have shared, someone will gain something from it. The mind is our biggest asset and with it, we rule the world. During this mental awareness month, I hope to continue exploring the many areas of the mind that I need to work on. I am taking charge of my thoughts and mind sets. I am getting rid of things, situations or people who continuously hurt me. I am looking for my spark in the darkness and finding my balance of the pedestal. I am working towards and claiming what is mine. I am finding myself and loving it, I hope you do . #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Happy Mother’s Week & Happy New Year

In 15 days, I will be starting 20’s last year by God’s grace. I am really shocked at how time flies. Just the other day I was 22, fresh from college and thinking that 30 was so far-fetched. 28 has been my best year yet. The whole growing up and responsibilities thing was super hard on me but I have not achieved much in a year like I have as a 28 year old. My biggest would be graduating after finally making a decision to veer of Journalism and explore the marketing world. I did enjoy the three years in Journalism school but business school was every challenge and growth the adult me was ready for. I still cannot do a balance sheet to save my life but I would have fun bringing a product to life and “balancing” it in your needs. Visiting Rwanda was very eye opening and really gave me time to think a lot about myself. It was my first time ever out of Kenya and I lived it and still re-living it. Winding up top three of my best moments was seeking help when I thought I had reached the rock bottom. I have never appreciated the blessing of friendships like I have this past year. The gift of strangers who have become family, the friends who left when their season was over and above all, family that remained my foundation.

VSL_2015x8x10This being Mother’s week and 12 days to my Moms’ birthday, I will never stop thanking God for my mom. I know it is a cliché in some quarters to say that my mom is my best friend, prayer partner, my rock, my therapist, my gossip buddy but to me, it is not. Liz is everything I pray for. She is not perfect but I really do not know how I would have survived my adulthood without her.

My creative juices have been dry in a minute and here is a brief of my taking stock.

Craving: A get-away just to think, relax, review 1st half of 2019 and plan for the next half

Drinking: White coffee. I am surprised at my self too because I have never been a coffee person

Enjoying: This burst of social energy I have had in the past two months. My two left feet & I have been doing well

Feeling: Motivated about the future. I have reached out to the people who really impacted my life in 2013 when I started my career. It is refreshing and seemed like an overdue audit I needed

Following: More people on social media platforms with a great sense of humor I can relate to. A laugh a day is good for the soul

Learning: To be positive every day. An ohh, to make bomb ass steak

Looking: For more meaningful relationships that will challenge me out of my comfort zone

Listening: Grateful by Rita Ora and Broken & Beautiful by Kelly Clarkson on repeat

Making: A lot of long term decisions. It is new to me but exciting .

Missing.. Live Music/Concerts. Joan I really need you back in this part of my life.

Noticing: How I am living a little more in the recent past.  Being the authentic me is really nice

Needing:  A new boy gang to watch sports with, Some good money to get a few things that have been pending for ages

Playing: A lot of new country and 90 RnB

Reading: Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini that I can’t seem to move at all

Watching: Repeats of World of Dance Performances. I was rooting for LA Unity but Kings deserved it.

Wishing: That I could have taken more risks in my mid 20’s

Working: Being undoubtedly very good at what I do

I really pray and hope that I will have the best yet 29th. I am ready to flap my wings and fly. I pray for good health and wealth in my family and to all my friends.

Happy Mothers Day in advance to all mothers here on earth and those who turned angels in heaven, to the ladies who stepped up and took the mother roles in so many lives and to those who have tiny lives in them. We are glad, blessed and grateful to call you Mom/Mum/Mummy.

Break

img_20100101_073537There is one day you will wake up and realize that you have taken such a long time to systematically destroy yourself. I do not know what day that will be but that day may also never happen if you are conscious of every action you do. For the sake of this piece, I will focus on the day you wake up and realize that you are destroyed. Not by anyone else but you. You have become this toxic person even to yourself that you are actually afraid that it may be only be  a matter of time before you self destruct. You no longer recognize yourself. You have so much negativity flowing in your veins; so evident in your actions and speech that it will scare the hell out of you. You will be so afraid that you will just keep up releasing the negative energy not knowing the stream. After that one day though, you will get another one day where you will wake up and want to know why the toxicity. You will be curious to draw the curtains of your life and feel the rays your face again. That one day, you will want to ooze the positive energy that was once your second name. That day the journey will begin.

You will realize how much you have been the strong one yet you barely get anyone to be strong for you. You will relive the days you had to pull all strings, legal and illegal, moral and immoral, allowed and banned just to make other people okay. You will remember the day you had just to fit in because the thought of letting down those who depended on your strength was not something you could like with. Those are the moments where the nights that seemed so long  will actually start to make sense to have been the best because in those nights, you will have had only you to worry about. In the dark of the night, crawling out of bed to enjoy the cold plate of chips and soda and the remaining ice cream would be surreal that you will actually feel the vanilla melting on your tongue.

The suppressed thoughts will race to the times when those you respected and held in high regard told you that you needed fire to be the best steel. You will recall the moments at the table and corridors when you were told to hold on because, they said, “trust the process”. Hahahha! Process my foot! The process will so cruel that it will leave you weaker that what it was intended to do; make you stronger. You will put up with the things you never believed in, you will do other peoples dirty work, you will be accept everything that comes your way because as they said, you needed to trust the process. In the process, you will see the undercuts, be privy to the back stabs, understand to see but never say. You will actually start to believe in the things you swore against. The process will damage you. However in all hope that it is the only way to the end of the tunnel, you will trust the process, day in day out.

That day when the journey begins, maybe will be the day you actually never wanted to wake up because the body , mind and soul was just so tired. You wanted to close your eyes and just never open them back to reality. That day however, you will wake up , bubbly and ready to face the day. That will be cut short when reality of the present creeps in. You will be too afraid to end it because you are not the weak one to throw in the towel. You will just want the sun to stop so that you can have a moment to breath.  Just a minute where the brain will stop and you will feel nothing. The weight will be too heavy to bear but what about those that think you are that shoulder they need to lean on? What about those you promised that you will be okay and trust the process? What about the promises that they say tomorrow holds. You will stand in the mirror and will not recognize your self anymore. You will turn off your phone and without drawing the curtains, go back to bed and stare into space. You will not yearn for a better tomorrow, you will not want a better today. In that moment, you will not care about those you are about to let down or those around you see you break. That day, you will just need a break from everything.

The Memory Mirror

dsc06969A story of my little memory.

For a long time, I grew up knowing that I had close to zero interest in TV because my dad restricted TV hours thanks to my eyes. There were days he had to run late in the morning because my eyes won’t open and he had to use warm water to dissolve the rheum that glued my eyelids together. Fast forward, I mostly enjoy only sports on TV. The rest is just by chance.

Through that, I discovered that I generally did not like visuals. I like to create my own pictures. I ENJOY, which is an absolute understatement by the way, day dreaming. I may be seated in a matatu and I have to literally stifle my giggles or hide my face in the palms so that the person in the next seat won’t see my sheepish grin. The thrill of identifying a voice over the phone can actually make me squeal.

I was not planning on writing anything tonight but I am seated on the bed listening to Lingala as I plan the week ahead. A friend thousands of miles away is awake and I propose a quick video call. Just to show her something. When done, I stare as my screen, my Skype account then on two subsequent chats I had sometime last year. And all the memories just come rushing. Two very diverse but closely related memories. 8:20 PM, I close my eyes and for five minutes, I am reliving a conversation I had in the lift lobby at work and some call I took at around 1:00PM someday . These two intense moments with two different people who actually don’t know each other but share a passion, just align. I am in this world that I am so grinning that when I get off the zone, all I think is writing this so that I don’t forget the five minutes.

My mind is the wildest, calmest, most vulnerable and open place one can be. My mind is one free bird that lives a little more than I do. It also hurts a bit more than I normally think. But one thing that stands out about my mind is that it is never in denial, does not lie or pretend. It is so genuine that at times I really wish that my whole being would align. It is the only thing that has refused and actually worked its way around my manipulation skills. It has a life of its own. Sometimes at work, I have worshipped and prayed so much in my mind and the best thing about it is that during such times, it is only thanksgiving. My mind NEVER feels defeated or the need to complain in isolation.

Tonight though, my mind is in on the trees, shrubs, thickets, rivers and the warm earth, fresh from the heat of the day. My mind is somewhere near a gazelle and a lion, behind the elephant and above the squirrel. This mind is in the wild !!!!!!!!!